Breastfeeding Broke My Heart

You are a mother nonetheless and it's something out of your control. I too struggled with breastfeeding at first, my son was a preemie and we had to supplement with special formula to pump up his weight. My son actually weaned himself out at around 8months old and I grieved for months beating myself for it. I think we all should stop before judging a mother who instead of whipping out her boobs, whipping out the bottles. We all know that breastfeeding is best but there are situations that just beyond our control and luckily for us there are ways to still feed our babies and they are growing healthy and that I think is the most important thing. This is a very heartfelt post. Thank you for sharing with us.

This is beautiful, and actually made me cry. I am a breastfeeding mother with an abundance of milk and I have no idea how this would feel, but you have dealt with your feelings in a beautiful way. I do support breastfeeding, but formula was designed for a purpose and when used to that purpose, as in your case, is no bad thing.

thank you so much for writing this. i was incapable of breastfeeding my children and when breastfeeding advocate gave me those looks or comments, it would just break my heart. i'd cry and get angry and was just depressed over the whole situation. we need to be sensitive to each other, as women, and take into consideration that there might be something underlying going on…and maybe keep our comments to ourselves. because you never know. my children are healthy, happy, smart, beautiful little people….and they all ended up being formula babies despite my best efforts. i wouldn't change a thing for the world.

I am not a mother, but I was so touched by this post and your struggle. thank you for sharing this intimate look into mother with the blogosphere and those of us who will never be able to experience this.

Love, love, love this post Melissa. I had tears rolling down my cheeks as I read it. My experience was totally opposite. I had heard so many horror stories and had this “knuckle down and bear it until it gets better” attitude when my son was born… And then the first time I held him, he found his way, latched on perfectly the first try, and ate easily from the start. All that worrying for nothing. I know it's certainly not like that for everyone though, and am well-aware of the difficulties that breast-feeding can present. I think that's one thing that I keep learning over and over as a mom – nothing is a given. But yeah, even tough my experience was so different, I really could identify with your post. For me, the issue was my actual birth. I had a natural water birth planned with my midwife, and then ended up having a c-section. Even though I always knew that was a possibility (and of course just wanted a healthy baby) I still deal with feelings of failure related to that. Realistically, I KNOW I didn't fail, and in reality, I had a very happy birth. It's just that in the months AFTER the birth I have had to battle with thoughts of “what if” and “if only”. I think I wanted to prove to myself that I could push a baby out… as if that would make me a better mom or woman or something! I know the truth, but it's still hard! My emotions surrounding it really took me by surprise because they didn't set in until my babe was already a couple months old. But anyway, I continue to deal as they surface… and it adds to my experience as a mom, no doubt. Anyway, this is getting way too long (and I'm writing a post about this very subject so I should leave a few things out from this comment so I'll have something left in my post that's new:). But I'll just end with saying thanks for being brave, sharing your heart, and exposing a raw area in order to touch and encourage others. You are beautiful!

I was unable to breast feed for other reasons. It's nothing to be ashamed of; your son knows you did the best you could.

Oh my god. Huge Huge hugs. I too have Insufficient Glandular Tissue. (I wrote about my journey breastfeeding 2 kids through ISG here: Flashback Friday: One Year Ago.

Every single SOLITARY word you wrote, I could have written myself. I wanted to breastfeed SO SO badly. I never wanted formula in my house. I nursed my first son for about 5 months. Subsequent pregnancies grow more glandular tissue (on top of which I've heard taking Goat's Rue during pregnancy helps more) so I had more milk for my second. I didn't have to start supplementing him so soon, but it was still a heartbreaking journey filled with orange crystal pee and a baby scale to weigh him before and after each feeding.

Unlike my first, I never had to get up in the middle of the night to supplement my second. That was bliss! I nursed my second until he was a year old. At the end it was primarily only comfort nursing. Then one day shortly after his birthday, he absolutely refused my breast and never took it again.

I love finding other moms with ISG. SO SO few have ANY idea what it's like to be us – WANT to breastfeed our kids. I hear SO much about what ELSE I could do from women who may have NEVER had a problem with supply. I know they MEAN well, but it's so painful and you can hardly tell them to shut up.

Not sure if you're hoping for a second – that little tyke will probably get more. If you need ANYTHING at all, please do not hesitate to contact me.

*more hugs*

“It seemed that he preferred the bottle; he was introduced to it early because the lactation consultant said I wasn't producing enough, and he was losing too much weight.”

Mommy Spirit – First, I am so sorry for the troubles you had breastfeeding. I know how heartbreaking it is.

Have you ever heard of an SNS? Supplemental Nursing System? It's a container that holds supplement with tubes coming out of it so you can tube-feed the supplement while the baby nurses.

I'm a bit shocked that an LC did not recommend this and recommended bottled supplement. Was she an IBCLC? This nipple confusion you experienced is one reason why an SNS or other non-bottle method of supplementation is to be recommended.

Bravo to you for your honesty and bravery in sharing and for your heroic efforts to breastfeed. We will post your story on our Facebook page of 7,000 followers as our goal is to end the judgment and give moms solutions! Insufficient Glandular Tissue (IGT) is real and is being seen more frequently, some experts suspect toxins or epigenetics. What is absolutely critical is that health professionals, i.e. ob/gyns, pediatricians, and nurses in the hospital are either trained to accurately assess IGT, or to refer mothers to quality IBCLCs. The flip side is that many, many women were misled to believe that they didn't have enough milk (or their nipples “pointed outward”–huh? or were too flat or their breasts were too big or too small or lopsided, none of which affects milk production when there is sufficient glandular tissue). This tactic was created by the formula companies to prey on the fears of new moms and to increase the rate of early supplementation which can actually lead to breastfeeding failure. Unfortunately it has also created a culture where women who truly do have IGT are invalidated. We are working to change that, and to ensure that all mothers who can not or decide not to breastfeed, can have access to donor milk from a milk bank (hmbana.org). We'd love to see the day when mothers like you are properly diagnosed, and given a prescription for donor milk to supplement or replace the small quantity of milk they are able to produce themselves.

Thank you again for this important post!

What a brave post from a brave mama. I hate how mamas live in fear of judgment when they are making the decisions for their child they KNOW to be best. I'm sorry for your pain, because no one should have to experience that following the birth of a child. Although my story is more similar to Adriel's above, I understand the feelings of failure, regret, what if's. Your memory of your last nursing session with your boy brought me to tears. Truly an incomparable moment you will remember and cherish the rest of your life. Thank you so much for sharing.

Your best post ever, Melissa.

While I wasn't formally diagnosed with anything, I was not successful at breastfeeding. I was consumed with guilt. I was a walking trainwreck. I couldn't let it go.

We all do the best we can. You did the best you could, and more. thanks for being so brave in writing this.

You kept your baby happy, healthy and fed which is what any good mother would do. That's the most important thing here and it's what makes you a great mom – you didn't do what you wanted, you did what was best for your baby.

I think it's fantastic that you decided to share this…look how many women can relate to it! You are helping more moms than you know with this post.

I successfully breastfed my son, but could only breastfeed the twins for 6 weeks. I felt a lot of the same feelings you mentioned, the strongest being guilt.

I had tears while reading this!

ISG? I meant IGT. Not sure what's wrong with me today.

Thank you for sharing that. I have flat nipples and monkeyman did not want to latch on. I tried everything but nothing worked. I felt like the worst mother until I met my best friend. She has similar issues. It hurts when people imply that I wasn't good enough to my son

Wow, what a heartfelt post. You really hit one out of the park there, and I know it's hard to share sometimes. Sharing your story will help others, and from your comments above I think it already has.

Being a mom has so many complex levels to it, both real and imagined….but when it gets right down to it, we nourish them with food and love and they grow. It's pretty simple, but all wrapped up in complex emotions.

Great post.

I'm always a little disappointed at the judgement women have for bottle feeders. I just don't get it. We all have choices, and my thought is, if you don't like my choice, you feel free to do things the way you want to with your own kids.

I think you're awesome for trying so hard for so long. I would never have done it.

I had the same issue, although was never given an official diagnosis. The night we brought our son home from the hospital, he went from perfectly happy to uncontrollable screaming at 3:00am. His little tongue felt like a cat's, dry and scratchy. We had been 100% breastfeeding up until then, and he had taken to it perfectly. Unfortunately, I wasn't able to keep up with his demands and we had to start supplementing. (I was very thankful for the samples of formula we had brought home from the hospital so we didn't have to make a 3:00am grocery store run. We had not bought any since we had planned on exclusively breastfeeding.)

After a visit to the lactation consultant, we began the 'triple-feedings' where I nursed, then pumped while I fed him some formula. I also took an herbal supplement to help boost milk production. We were able to keep it up for 11 months, one month shy of my goal of one year. Yes, it was heartbreaking, but we very much enjoyed the bonding time when he nursed, even if it was for short periods at a time. To make matters worse, my mother-in-law was completely unsympathetic stating “I never did that, it was too much trouble.”, and then proceeded to ask patients at her clinic (she's a nurse) what they did and told them all the details of my problems and put in her two cents on the issue as well.

This is really beautiful- I cried a little. Thanks so much for sharing.

Isn't it amazing the 180 that society has done on breastfeeding in just a few decades? The mothers of my mother's generation thought it was a gross, low-class thing to do, and now we feel like total failures if we can't. I was completely unsuccessful at breastfeeding. Mine didn't have a name…just never had enough supply. Gisele Bunchen is a complete idiot and just adds to the pressure that mothers already feel.

You are a mother! You did everything you needed to do to make sure your baby got what he needed.

Beautiful post. I have tears from reading this.

Take care!
Dee

I CRIED reading this! It's so beautiful. I'm so happy you're healing about this. It can be a terrible time when breastfeeding doesn't work out. Other moms can be so judgmental. I think you went so far above the call to try to breastfeed, it's amazing! Any person who thinks you didn't do enough is insane!

This is an area I feel great guilt about. It all worked for me. I produced huge amounts of milk. I stopped breastfeeding my daughter at 4 months because I had to do an elimination diet. I couldn't eat food containing dairy, soy, eggs, fish, shellfish, nuts or peanuts. Four months after having my daughter, I was down to 109 pounds and really weak. I caved and did hypoallergenic formula. I've hated myself for doing this ever since.

But why do we beat ourselves up about the bottle? Yes, breast if best, but the formulas are excellent too. And think about the old days when there were no other options. I'm sure infant mortality was much higher because of this.

Yeah, I still have some healing to do! LOL!

You and Lynda are making me cry! I'm so sad you had to struggle with breastfeeding. So many women do and beat themselves up over it. You did everything you could do, within reason, of course. It's so funny, because all of us struggle with certain parts of motherhood. We feel like we have to be good at it all. But, in the end all the matters (as with everything), is if we are happy and our families are happy. That's it! End of story. And I wish all the moms who like to pick sides would just give it a rest. I'm also learning to forgive myself for the stuff I struggle with as a mom, because a stressed mama is not a happy mama. And that creates and unhappy family. Big hug to you for sharing your story. With all the reading I've done, I've never heard of this until you and Lynda. And you're both rock star moms to me. =)

Beautiful post. You wrote it so well.

I think you are a fabulous mother.

Oh, wow. Such a personal post. So open. Giving. Some other woman somewhere will read this and feeling relief. Your words are a gift to others.

Eileen

Melissa,
You like your sisters are great gift from God!
I wept as I read your blog & remembered my struggles first with Sandra & and then each one of you, because I kept trying thinking I would succeed with this baby. Unfortunately all I was told was that I had inverted nipples1!!!!? But like you I found that the suckling was bonding for me & my babies.
Thank you, Mija

Oh my. Can i relate to this post! I actually had the opposite problem. I made TOO MUCH milk. I was constantly engorged and in pain. I got infections — terrible infections. One night I ended up in the ER on Christmas Eve with horrible mastitis. That was with my first child. I gave it up after just a couple of weeks. I called Le Leche. I asked all my mommy friends for advice. But I was miserable and in pain. All. the. time.

With my second, I didn't even want to try. I couldn't imagine going through the nightmare again. But the nurse talked me into it. I tried. I really did. For about 6 weeks, things went fairly well. Then the infections started again, the painful plugged ducts and the engorgement. I gave it up again.

And I felt guilt. But I knew I just couldn't. My body was rebelling. Thanks, Dr. Mom, for not telling us we should all be jailed for this offense. Often, we truly are doing the best we can.

Thanks so much for your encouragement before my conference last week. It went very well! ;0)

Wow. What a journey. Being a mom and trying to do it all right is such a monumental task. It is sometimes hard to let go of what other people are doing, and be ourselves. You did an amazing job both with your son and this post!

I had to quit breastfeeding at 8 weeks because I had to start taking medication. It felt like an awful failure for a long time. Thought I think it's great to publicize the benefits of breastfeeding, I think it contributes to the ill feelings when it just doesn't work out.

I'm sorry you had such difficulty.

What a lovely, well written post. I know you've come through this hard road a better woman and mom. BFing is such a deep and sensitive subject. I was lucky to be able to do it for a year, but that last couple of months was not unlike what you experienced. I just forced and did everything in my power to get those few ounces a session so I could at least supplement. I know it's not the same, but your heartfelt description took me back to those days and the tears flowed anew. I too had that very last nursing ever with my son in June. It was heartbreaking, but beautiful too. Thank you for sharing this as so many women need to read it.

We do whatever it is that we have to do to have our children thrive. BF, formula, supplementing, whatever it takes.

They are alive, and that's all that matters.

Beautifully written, can't imagine how you felt, did you have blogging or the internet back then to find similar women? I know my baby days would've been a lot less lonely and full of self doubt if I had had blogging back then.

It would've changed the entire feeling of dropping off the face of the earth feelig that I had.

Oh, I am overwhelmed by all of your thoughtful comments and support. Reading your own stories and experiences brings me to tears all over again. Thank you all so much for sharing and reading. I'm amazed by how so many of you have similar stories and some not necessarily about breastfeeding but about giving birth. It's been an emotional day, reliving this again and relating to your stories…Thank You again.

I've categorized Gisele with Tom Cruise in my mind… it is a STFU category.

After having a wonderful nursing experience with my first baby, I took it for granted that I would successfully nurse my second. When she was born ill, and the struggle to nurse began… wow, it was heartbreaking for me too. After an experience much like yours, we went to bottles only by 4 months old. I cried with every bottle I made, and had to be put on antidepressants.

Wouldn't it be nice if we could give ourselves a BREAK? We don't have t be perfect mommies to be GREAT mommies. Sometimes, things simply won't go the way we hoped/planned, no matter what we try. And that is okay.

Glad you've reached peace in your heart about this. SO MANY BABIES are bottle fed, and thrive.

(From SITS)

So beautifully written, Melissa. You totally made me cry for you. I felt robbed and judged at times about my C-section. While I do agree they happen all too often, I still GAVE BIRTH. People who don't share that opinion baffle me.

As far as feeling people judging you, I have felt those burning eyes too when I formula fed my first after three months in public. However, I was reminded recently of a story about judging that I wish everyone could read:

It's from Steven Covey's 7 Habits of Highly Effective People class…

A father was on the subway with his two boys who were acting out of control. The dad was doing nothing about it. People were shooting dirty looks and finally one man stepped up and asked if he could control his kids because they were being disruptive.

The father told the man, “We just left the hospital where their mom just died. I don't know how to handle it and I guess they don't either.”

Whenever I find myself judging, for WHATEVER reason, I think of that story.

((Hugs))

Great post! I admire your effort to continue to breastfeed despite the insufficient tissue. When many mothers would have given up, you kept trying. Fabulous

Melissa, I'm sorry you know this heartbreak. I wish I could give you hugs.

My heartbreak is HG- I vomit non-stop through my pregnancies, am fed through IVs and tubes and take loads of medications. I can't eat and when I can it is often awful food. Then I talk to a pregnant woman that won't even take tylenol for a bad headache or says things like “I just couldn't put my baby in that danger for my own comfort.” People criticize me for drinking frozen cokes or eating unhealthy foods but they don't understand that it was the only thing I could eat and I was hoping it would stay down for 20 minutes so I could count it as calories in. At full term I was only 5 pounds under my prepregnant weight and thrilled I gained that much weight back.

It wasn't what I wanted, it just is. Every pregnancy I've tried for a healthy, positive experience and I'm glad that I did. Those people that judge me for what I eat and take to get through my pregnancies just don't know. How could they?

Your son is blessed to have gotten 5 months of breastfeeding, what a beautiful gift that you were able to even do that.

I write over at The Leaky B@@b and am building a website with the same name and have a forum as well. My goal is to support mothers, any mother. Breastfeeding or not. Any and all amounts of breastfeeding and breastfeeding attempts are encouraged and supported without judgment. We don't know what path someone has had to take, we can only see our perspective and it is undeniably limited.

(((hugs)))

I'll be sharing your post on The Leaky B@@b Facebook page, you have a very touching story.

I'm sorry, I forgot to say I was stopping by from SITS!

Being unable to breastfeed is nothing to be ashamed of. I was unable to due to my daughters complex medical needs and for other reasons I am not ready to share. It is a sensitive subject and it is easy to think people judge quickly. I have learned to not care about the judging as those people truly will never know what it is like to take a walk in your shoes. I am a new blogger and plan to follow

That's an awesome post. I'm glad you are able to be objective about your situation, as painful as it is. I've long since given up on the idea that I would be a better mother if I breastfed or had natural child birth or only fed my child organic foods. Being a good parent is not black and white. It's more than just a list of dos and don'ts. It is nourishing their hunger as well as their minds, souls, and senses. You've been blessed with the gift of perspective.

Stopping by from SITS. Great post. I had a similar experience with my firstborn and like you, did everything possible to satisfy him with breast milk but it just never was to be. He always had to be supplemented with formula. My lactation consultant wanted to write me up in her newsletter because she had never worked with anyone who tried so much to succeed. It was worth it – he got the nutrition and benefits of the milk along with the additional nutrition he needed from the formula to fill him up. I was prepared for the same scenario with number two, but she came out of the womb, they plopped her on my chest, she latched on and away we went. No trouble at all. Go figure.

You should be so proud of yourself for hanging in there no matter what. Parenthood will be like that off and on all the way through… and you are clearly up for the challenge.

I have never had any trouble breastfeeding my babies. It came naturally and it was so fulfilling. I can not imagine the heartbreak you must have felt to be unable to provide enough nourishment for your son. What you could provide, though was love, comfort, security.

As a nursing mother, I have never looked down upon those mothers who bottle feed. Whatever works for you and your child is the best thing regardless. Sometimes you have to realize that breast isn't always best. Mommy's love is best!

I commend you for the endless effort you devoted to breastfeeding. Your son is lucky to have you as his mother. What a blessing that you were able to have a nursing relationship for 5 months, even if your son's main source of nourishment was from the bottle. Wonderful blog and thank you for sharing your experience with us.

Me too. I breastfed as long as I could but really, my babies got no more than a few mouthfuls at each feed. People judged me, and still judge me; but you & I know that we did our best. *hugs*

I had the same problem as you. I gave birth to twin girls the day after Christmas 09. They where healthy but for the first two weeks there was a problem… I cried over it. My husband was wonderful about getting them at night and putting them on my breast before he went to make a bottle. I thank you for writing this story. It touched my heart in a way you could never know.

Rachelle, Mummy to Merri and Bella

Thank you. I just decided to quit breastfeeding my three month old yesterday. For me breastfeeding is VERY painful. At least for the first bit. This time it took until about 2 1/2 months for it to not be painful for me. When I was at the WIC office I had them see how my baby was latching on, and they said it was perfect. And yet, the pain. And then I had to go to the emergency room for pain in my back the last week in July thinking it was a kidney infection, ended up getting my gall bladder out. Because of that, they told me to pump and dump for a week to get the drugs out of my system. I gave up on pumping, because what is the point, when you are only getting a smidge out. I did have more luck with hand expression though. So, after 1 1/2 weeks of not breastfeeding I tried for two days. I am truely amazed how quickly the body can forget! THE PAIN!! I just can't handle it. This is my fourth child. And I have only exclusively breastfed one. Giving up on this one is hard, even though, yes he was getting supplimented with about 1 bottle a day. I think it is sort of because I feel like the choice was taken away from me if that makes sense. And then I feel the judgement. That I didn't try hard enough. But the pain. I just can't handle it. And so, I move on and will be formula feeding again. And every time I have seen something, anything, about breastfeeding I cry. But I do know that it is not the end of the world. That it is ok. Because in the past it was. When on my third child I knew I couldn't handle it because of post partum depression – something I have had to deal with every time, this time being the first that I am actually doing something about it. People can be judgemental about that as well. I was VERY lucky to have a lactation consultant that time who had just gone through the same thing and was very understanding. Usually I feel like I am being looked down on if I am not breastfeeding when I go to WIC. Yes, they are supposed to support you when breastfeeding, but it is horrible when you are not breastfeeding, and you have to go through the talk about it several times with someone who says in one breath they can't believe that their sister in law didn't stick with breastfeeding because in most cases there is no real reason not to, and in the next says that it is your choice, and she is not going to judge you about it. this was from my current Lactation Consultant at WIC while I was pregnant with this baby. When I hear people like that it just makes me feel ANGRY because there are a lot of issues that make the choice for formula better than the breast.

Anyway, I should stop venting and rambling. I hope some of this makes some sense!

Anyway, sorry for all of the rambling.

I can't birth naturally. I'm a c-section only mom. In the olden days, I would have died in childbirth. No matter what I do, or how long I wait in my pregnancy, no matter what interventions are or are not taken, I don't dilate. The end.

I have had a billion thoughts just like yours. I felt like I was less of a woman, because I can't do something that comes naturally. And people can be so cruel. I've been judged very harshly – I didn't do enough, I believed the horrible, lying doctors, I'm not a strong enough woman, blah blah blah.

In reality, I fought harder and stressed myself out more than I probably should have.

In the end, though, I have two beautiful girls, and even if they didn't come out “naturally”…so what? They're smart and strong and well taken care of and neither of them gives a crap about how they were born.

You're awesome for trying so hard and for sharing a painful story. You sound like a fantastic mother.

I loved this post.

I have been blessed to be able to exclusively pump plenty of milk for my preemie, but I totally relate to the “shame” of pulling out a bottle. I sometimes feel like I want to put up a sign saying “THIS BOTTLE CONTAINS EXPRESSED BREAST MILK!” to stave off the “judgment” that I feel like others are passing on me. (No one has ever said one thing about it though. I'm pretty sure it's all in my head.)

You are an amazing mother!

I had to read this as it has been the talk on Twitter. I share your moment though my non mommy thing was that I could never deliver vaginally. I tried so hard all three times, I wanted that magic moment of pushing my baby out, off all that hard work, all that sweat and then all the joy. I felt cheated because I didn't get it.
I also wrote breast feeding post. Kind of like my little love letter (with a little humor) to all my fellow moms who can't or choose not to breastfeed from a mom who did breastfeed. I have many of my mom friends confess to me that they did not want to tell they were not breastfeeding or they had stopped because they had thought I would be disappointed in them. Can you believe that??? I just want them to be happy moms, however they get there is up to them.
Thanks for the great post
http://makingitworkmom.blogspot.com/2010/08/maybe-gisele-should-just-mind-her-own.html

Thank you for sharing. Never feel guilty. You are a great mom.

Hi Dr. Mom,
(I haven't read through the comments, but I'd like to post anyway…)
My heart goes out to you. Thank you for describing your difficulty breastfeeding. While you were never fully/exclusively breastfeeding, you WERE breastfeeding, and every single drop of your milk was welcomed and enjoyed by your little one. Partial feeding of BM is just as important as fully feeding, and provides much of the same antibodies and good stuff as fully feeding, just in a more concentrated form. Also, if you were able to pump 2 oz, your LO probably got closer to 4 oz, just from being better able to extract milk from you.
Hugs, but please don't torture yourself. While this was not your ideal, you need to view yourself as a BFing mother. You are not a failure in any way shape or form. You did breastfeed for as long as you were able to. Contratulations in that huge accomplishment!

Wow what a beautiful and heartfelt post. I had similar issues to you with both my daughters (now 18 and 15).

Nobody ever made me feel bad or lesser for the issues but I certainly tortured myself over it! I now look at my beautiful healthy girls and realize that it was not detrimental to them.

Anxiety and worry overtook me as a new mother and I wish that I could have taken the time to relax and enjoy.

Hopefully your story and that of others will help women going through the same issues. Thanks for sharing.

This could be my story. Pumping 12x a day and still giving formula. It's a hard, hard thing and not a lot of people understand. The BFers think you should try harder and the formula feeders think you are crazy for going to all that trouble for a 1/4 an ounce. Good for you for sticking to it. I think a big part of it is dealing with the grief – the loss of what you thought you should have but don't.

Thank you!! I nearly died giving birth to my daughter. I had an abruption and went into DIC. I spent her first night in ICU and received 4 units of blood. By the time I was reunited with her I think my body had just gone through too much stress. There I was recovering from a nightmare delivery of an emergent c-section followed by being separated from my sweet girl! I was so mentally and physically drained I just couldn't breastfeed!! I felt guilty but at the same time I just simply could not do it! So thank you for reminding people that it's not laziness that leads us to formula feeding but necessity!!!

That was so beautiful, I have tears running down my face. There's a yahoo site, MOBI, to support nursing mothers & many of us on there have IGT. Great job, Mama!!

You said, “What all women should be able to do.” I get that in the respect that I had to endure years of infertility and ARTs (assisted reproductive technology) in order to get pregnant…and then wasn't even able to deliver vaginally.

I commend you and congratulate you for trying so hard and breastfeeding as long as you could. This was a beautiful post.

This was heartbreaking to read. What an amazing mom you are to have put in so much effort to breastfeed your baby. For a lot of mothers, breastfeeding is not something that comes easily…and that's without having IGT. While I have breastfed both my children (still bfing my 6 mo old) I feel that it's more important for a mother to do whatever is going to enable them to be a better mom to their baby. Being a good mother lasts a lifetime…how we choose to feed them in their first years of life is not as important as being caring, affectionate, understanding parents. Thank you for sharing this beautiful post about a mothers love and devotion to her child.

Great post! Truly insightful.

Thank you for your honest, eye-opening, and heartfelt post. The longer I am a mother, the more I learn that things are not always as they seem. That motherhood is the toughest (and most thankless) job in the world. I feel tremendously blessed to have been able to nurse my babies.

You are a good mother. A wonderful mother. I hope writing this post has blessed you as much as it has blessed me.

Wow I could have written this. Except no answers have been truly given. Suspect insufficient glandular tissue or PCOS or both.

With my first 9 yrs ago she starved she dropped weight 11 lactation consultants and no answers. Supplements, SNS tubes on the boobs, nursing and pumping around the clock.
Everyone told me this time would be different, I hoped it would be, but I think I knew it wouldn't. It wasn't.

We are at 19 weeks and I still pump, if I am lucky 2 oz a day! But that is 2oz of liquid gold. I nurse her when she wants to latch now, which honestly isn't often.

I am still in mourning over losing the peaceful times of nursing. I will never have my babe looking up from the breast with a milky grin.

I have found a groove that works better this time around as what happened last time set me up for serious PPD and lack of bonding with my daughter that still affects our relationship 9 yrs later.

Although I have had to defend myself in public when I give my baby a bottle. I can't believe people have the guts to walk up to me and tell me ” breast feeding is better” Yeah I know but my boobs are broken.

Thanks for posting

You are a truly amazing woman, and the most AMAZING mother!!! I applaud you and your months and months of commitment and the endless effort. Your spirit and beauty shine through. You are an inspiration to all mothers who strive to breastfeed, and just generally be a good mom. You are a great mom!

Thank you so much for sharing this. I'd like to translate it to Bulgarian. I've sent you an e-mail. I think your story is truly inspiring to many new moms.

Thank you. That was beautifully put. You brought tears to my eyes as I remembered the struggles with my first. He had three weeks where he only gained one ounce per week. He was a near-term preemie and tiny to begin with. My LC helped as much as she could – eventually we started supplementing.

I remember pumping a precious ounce. As i tried to set up the drop in nurser bottle, that liquid gold spilled all. over. the. carpet. I don't remember crying that hard since my grandmother passed away.

By the time we were up to 20 oz of formula a day, I had mentally given up. I stopped pumping. I stopped herbs. I gave up. Right at 6 months, I was still comfort nursing him. We discovered that my thyroid was out of control.

The thyroid problems plus the stress of a baby struggling to gain weight… it was the perfect storm that became extreme postpartum depression and anxiety.

Thankfully, once my thyroid was under control, my milk started coming back. My depression/anxiety began to lift. We nursed with minimal supplementation until 15 months (after 12 months I was dry due to pregnancy).

I got rude looks and comments no matter HOW I fed. I had to grow a thick skin. Why are moms so mean?

One of my daughters had fertility treatments to get pregnant, never went into labor (42.5 weeks!) and was induced, and after over 30 hours of labor had a c-section when the baby went into disress. She also had IGT. She supplemented with an SNS, with donated milk from her 2 successfully breastfeeding sisters (just add insult to injury), until the baby began solid foods at 5 months. By the time supplements were started she was in the 5% for weight (after being born at almost 10 pounds).

However, the nice end to the story is that her daughter is 2 years old now and she is still breastfeeding. There comes a point when it doesn't matter how much milk you make. The baby will be happy with whatever there is, eat lots of other foods and happily continue to breastfeed.

I applaud all you moms who struggled with breastfeeding for weeks, months or years. I just needed to share this little window of what is sometimes possible in spite of great obstacles.

Thank you so much for sharing your experience! I was unable to breastfeed for different reasons than yours but experienced many of the same feelings. The parts where you express feeling betrayed by your body and feeling ashamed to bottle feed in public particularly resonated with me. Thanks again for sharing, and for putting into words those feelings I have not yet been able to express.

Love this post, your honesty and courage in sharing, the raw emotion and the real advice that can help many other mothers in your situation.

What I don't love are the type of terms the medical community come up with to describe differences or changes that affect us as mothers…whether it's 'insufficient glandular tissue' or 'incompetent cervix'…it's as if they're designed to make us feel like failures. I'm glad you are able to work through your feelings in your writing – we need to be able to use our own words and rewrite our own stories to describe and own our various individual experiences of mothering – none of which deserve to be called 'less' or 'lacking'.

Thanks so much for sharing and do be comforted by the fact that the little amounts of breast milk and time spent nursing with your baby were immensely beneficial – both physically and emotionally.

As a pediatrician did you have judgements before your own experience?

For myself, if I could go back to teaching, I would be such a different teacher. After being a parent, especially as special needs parent, I would change so much about how I did my job. So I was just wondering if this changed your thoughts. If you thought all moms could breastfeed and didn't, or if you told every new mom she really needed to try her hardest.

I made it 9 months with both my boys, and it broke my heart when I stopped. But they slept way better with formula and after 9 months of no sleep I welcomed it! I even pumped every 4 hours when my little one was in the NICU for a month. That was rough! Getting up at night to pump with a machine when I should have been getting up with my newborn.

Thanks for this post! It is fabulous.

Oh your post made me cry! When I read the words “He turned in, like he wanted to nurse…which filled my heart with so much joy.” and “He let out a sigh of contentment.” WOW! I am a mother of three, with a forth on the way. I have been blessed with being able to nurse my children. When I say, blessed, I know that it is a blessing not something to hold over someone else for whatever reason. What you gave to your son was pure love. Your story and love for your child is such a special gift. You truly bonded, just as any other breast feeding mother out there who tries to bond with her child. But your love and diligence just brings sweet tears to my eyes. You really do love your son!

Thank you for posting this. It is wonderful for people to realize that BFing make you a mother. Everything else does.

Melissa, I cried when I read this. I was not able to breastfeed my first son at all. After 2 weeks of never producing enough milk to do more than thinly coat the bottom of a bottle and a baby who would absolutely not latch on, I grieved my loss. I never even considered that I wouldn't be able to breastfeed my children.

I have small breasts, and know now that the shape and placement are indicators. So is the fact that I also had no increase in size during my pregnancy, and my OB literally NEVER checked my breasts during my whole pregnancy.

This time, I was able to produce a little more with the help of domperidone. But my son still never got more than an ounce between both sides. At 5 weeks he started refusing the breast, and we were done. Despite the fact that our time doing it was so short, I feel so happy that I was able to do it for that amount of time with him. In the first 2 weeks especially I know it provided him with so much comfort and I loved that I could do it.

Thank you for posting this. You wrote about it so wonderfully. I said it to Lynda too, it's so important for women to hear these stories, so we can support each other, so we can educate each other.

What an incredible post. It made my heart ache just thinking about it. I loved breastfeeding, although I didn't do it exclusively. I can't imagine how hard it would be to not have that choice.

By the way thank you for visiting me and following me. I'm going to follow you too. :o)

Thank you for sharing this amazing post. It made me cry, remembering my own struggle. I, too, struggled to do everything I could to breastfeed, with all four of my children. My lactation consultant never uttered the words “insufficient glandular tissue,” but she gently told me that sometimes women just aren't able to breastfeed.

Like you, I was heartbroken and continued to try, through all the means you mentioned. I couldn't help but feel less of a woman and less of a mother than all of those breastfeeding mothers. At playgroups, I was embarrassed to pull out the bottle; I felt like they labeled me an uncaring mother.

Thank you for sharing your experience.

I have been so touched by all your stories and words of support. Thank you for being brave to share your own struggles. I think it is so important to share our stories. If you didn't recieve an e-mail response from me it's b/c your comment reply was not enabled but I did try to visit your site and get to know you that way. Thanks again Ladies, you are all amazing Women and Mothers!

WOW. It finally makes sense. IGT. I wish that I knew of the possibility. Throughouut 2 full term twin pregnancies, I had the sore boos in the first trimester, but NEVER did my breast tissue change, grow (in fact they shrunk because I lost weight during my pregnancies), get firm… nothing.

And I thought I had boobs from heaven… I thought I could feed a starving nation if I were bold enough. I had hungry twins to feed and a pair of 40-Gs.

My mother, my friends for whom breast feeding was the only choice for them, books from doctors who believed that “absolutely any woman can breastfeed, even thought who have adopted other babies”… they all told me to faithfully keep up the good work and it will come. It will come in 3 days after delivery. Just wait 3 days. Maybe 4 days and you will be so swollen and sore that you will feel so silly from all these feelings of inadequacy. OK, maybe 5 days.

It never came. I slept maybe 75-90 minutes a few times a day. The rest of the time I had either a baby or a machine hooked up to my breasts. I would average 1/4 to 1/2 ounce after 30 minutes at the pump, sometimes a full ounce when my tons of water, suppliments, beer, oatmeal cookies, and herbs were all taken at once. Weighing baby before and after showed those little sucking machines could only get a 1/10th of an ounce out of both breasts after 40 minutes.

I closed up shop at 2 months so I could regain my smile and my life for my first set of twins. The transformation was awesome… i fell in love with my babies instead of resenting them. Instead of feeling like I was failing them so how could THEY love ME?

My second pregnancy proved breast feeding was an identical chore. At one month post-delivery, I chucked the notion that my G-cup breasts were good for nourishment. Nope, they are only good chest adornments for the opposite sex.

Dr. Mom, I *wish* I had read your blog 4 years ago. I probably would not still hold feelings of resentment over this issue. While I know I did the best for me and my kids based on what I had, I still feel inadequate.

Thanks for sharing. I wish there was more of this info out there. If I heard one more time supply will meet demand, just put them (twins) on, I would scream

This made me cry. I'm sorry for the struggle but I'm happy for the joy you did get from breastfeeding. I'm also happy you are able to share your experience with us. I really don't know what else to say or how to explain my emotion.

Your story broke my heart. This is the reason why we all need to stick together as mothers, as woman. Reguardless of the choices we make on how to raise our beloved children.
I thought you would like this poem, I like to share it with woman who cant or chose not to breastfeed. Because its not all about the breasts. Its aboue the love we all have for our children. xox

HER HANDS
Her hands held me gently from the day I took my first breath.
Her hands helped to guide me as I took my first step.
Her hands held me close when the tears would start to fall.
Her hands were quick to show me that she would take care of it all.

Her hands were there to brush my hair, or show me how to throw.
Her hands were often there to comfort the hurts that didn’t always show.
Her hands helped hold the stars in place, and encouraged me to reach.
Her hands would clap and cheer and praise when I captured them at length.

Her hands would also push me, though not down or in harms way.
Her hands would punctuate the words, just do what I say.
Her hands sometimes had to discipline, to help bend this young tree.
Her hands would shape and mold me into all she knew I could be.

Her hands are now twisting with age and years of work,
Her hand now needs my gentle touch to rub away the hurt.
Her hands are more beautiful than anything can be.
Her hands are the reason I am me.

I had a breast reduction before my daughter was born. I had milk at first after her birth, but then it shut down (likely because my ducts were not all attached, so I had engorged areas that could not drain, which sent a message to my body to stop producing milk, since it wasn't being used). I also have thyroid problems (that medication isn't helping), and PCOS.

I wanted to avoid bottles, but my daughter had different ideas. She refused the SNS, cup feedings, syringe feeding and finger feeding, and that didn't leave me many options.

I saw 3 LCs, talked to my very pro-breastfeeding doctor, talked to LLL, talked to my midwife, and no one's suggestions helped my supply at all.
I spent a week's grocery budget on herbs. I pumped or hand expressed during feedings (from the opposite breast) as well as after feedings. The most I could pump/express was 1/2 ounce -in an entire day- and that was dwindling fast.
Lots of websites tell you that anyone can pump their breasts and magically make milk, so I was holding out for a miracle, but it never came.
It wasn't long before I couldn't pump anything at all, but I kept trying, until all that came was blood.
It wasn't just cracked nipples (although I'd had those, too, and they're still scarred from it), this was duct damage from trying to pump my dry breasts.

I don't think I'll ever get over “giving up” and switching to exclusively formula feeding. Not that I had a choice.

There have been so many stupid comments.
“Ew, you're feeding your baby high fructose corn syrup!” (No, there's actually no corn syrup in her formula at all.)
“You're just a victim of bad hospital practices. They sabotaged you. Too bad you didn't know better.” (I gave birth at home.)
“You'd have been able to breastfeed just fine if you took vitamins.” (I was taking vitamins, but apparently I was taking the wrong kind, since they were unable to undo previous surgery.)
etc. etc. etc.

The thing that hurt the most, though, was the women who actually said that my baby would be better off starving than being formula fed.
They were insinuating that my baby deserved to die of starvation because I was unable to produce milk, that death was better than having a mother like me. THAT hurt more than anything.

Your article is helping me mend my broken heart a little. It's a slow process.
Thanks for sharing.

Thank you for sharing! I swear you were talking about me. I also have IGT, but it wasn't diagnosed until my 2nd daughter. I fought depression and that guilt of “why can't I feed my starving baby” with my 1st daughter. While it was somewhat comforting to get a diagnoses of what was wrong, it was also sad because there's nothing more to be done that I haven't tried. But with each baby, I think my breasts made a little more tissue & by my 3rd, I am able to nurse the edge of hunger off before supplementing! I recently rejoiced at my victory of making 2oz from one pumping session & almost cried when he greedily drank it down in a few seconds it seemed. Somedays I get angry at my breasts for not working right & others I am so thankful to at least get some milk for my 2.5 month old since this is the longest I've had milk in my breast to feed him. I've had to mourn my desire to only breastfeed & I'm still working through jealousy of moms who can nurse their baby (or two). I used to long to know what feeling engorged was like even. I am so sorry you had to go through this & hope more people will learn about and understand IGT so maybe someday we can learn how to better treat it.

Thank you so much!
This is MY story…
Just gave up breast feeding yesterday after trying EVERYTHING for 4 months.
Thank you for sharing, it really made me feel good.
I live in Europe and have never heard about IGT but after reading about it I'm sure this is what I have. Feel so relieved, that it's not just because I was a stressed new mom.. Thank you for creating awareness and for telling my story:)

wow. i wish I had seen this post two years ago. I found the most obscure link on KellyMom about insufficient glandular tissue and I knew it was my problem, but since nobody ever else ever heard of it, I felt like it was such a cliche, people just assumed I gave up, never tried hard enough, took the easy way out, etc….

You inspired me to write my story, or at least organize it from a mommy chat board I have it chronicled on…

Oh my heart goes out to you. I can not even imagine what you have been through. You are the best mother ever – for putting in every last drop of effort that you had and even more that you didn't have. Your son will someday know how lucky he is to have you. And every single drop of breastmilk that you fought to give your son was a TRUE BLESSING – a little bit of heaven that you were able to pass along to him. Tears are streaming down my face as I read your story. <> to you.

what a lovely post. I'm SO sorry for the pain you went through, and the pain that still lingers. As mothers i think we ALL struggle through guilt of some sort whether it's about BFing or not. We all feel inadequate. I applaud you for being so brave to tell your story & i hope other moms can be encouraged by it.

Beautiful & heartbreaking all at once. I am a breastfeeding mama of two (my oldest is 3 and I was able to nurse him for 2 years) and my youngest is 5 months and I'm still nursing her.
I almost gave up on nursing with my son…he was 9lbs. 4oz. at birth and it was PAINFUL for the first 8 weeks to nurse…and I could only get 2oz (one from each side) when I pumped. and only once a day if I was lucky. I took him everywhere bc he seemed to get enough while nursing but I couldn't pump a bottle for a babysitter.
With my baby now I can pump and pump and pump (still only about 4oz. a day but it feels like a TON more) and it wasn't painful at all…it's just different.
I mourn for you (and my sister who does not breastfeed-by choice though…too much stress I think) but I'm SO glad you had that contented baby moment! SO GLAD! You seem like you truly truly wanted to breastfeed and I'm glad that your baby gave you that moment.

I learnt something new from this post. Thanks for sharing. I hope it has helped you come to terms with your feelings about BFing. x

Thank you, thank you, thank you! I had problems with my first two daughters. Everything was going right especially with my first. The perfect birth, excellent attachment, but no milk! Nobody even told me that it could be IGT. I felt so alone. I felt like my breasts were pointless, I felt and still feel jealous of other women who have no problem with supply. It warms my heart to hear other women and their stories, I no longer feel alone, a little depressed at times, especially in knowing that the baby I am pregnant with is likely not to be able to be breastfed either.

I too was diagnosed w/IGT. However, my diagnosis came from a plastic surgeon in 2006, prior to having children. I remember staring at him as he told me I had “rare” breasts & he'd only seen a few other cases. After the birth of my first child, the LC I had was more interested in selling me a breast pump that actually working with me. I remember the LC saying “oh she has a high palette, that might cause problems.” Ok, thanks?!
Then my daughter ended up w/jaundice & dehydration & was hospitalized at 5 days old, where I had to introduce the bottle, no one told me about SNS at that time. I would get her out of the “tanning bed” every 3 hours & only had 30 min to feed her, I'd nurse, give her the 1 ounce I was able to pump & then offer her a bottle-NIGHTMARE! I continued to pump when we returned home, never getting more than an ounce (this went on for 3 months), finally I had lost my sanity & went straight to bottle/formula.

After my son was born (& I was at a better hospital w/great LC), I explained my previous experience & my IGT diagnosis. They agreed that's what I had, gave me a SNS. I worked w/IBLLC for 3 months, went to support groups, & was finally told by my wonderful lactation consultant that I “was dealt shitty breasts” & that it wasn't my fault. I knew I'd tried everything, including Reglan, herbs & teas, so she said to continue doing what I was doing until I couldn't do it anymore. My son was a comfort nurser & we continued until he was about 4 months old. He's 16 months old now & I still miss it. I hate that my breasts are useless & I envy women that breast feed successfully & those that could BF but don't. So, I empathize w/your pain. Not enough people are aware of IGT & I hated pulling out that bottle in public, made me feel as though I was/am a failure. I am still struggling…

I wish I'd seen this sooner!! I tried and tried to breast feed but my daughters palate is so narrow she couldn't latch. I pumped forever but so badly wanted to feel what other moms felt. Thank you for making other moms feel less alone.

I believe I was supposed to read this. I feel as though you spoke the VERY words that I said to myself over and over again. Thank you for being one more reason I'm giving myself permission to forgive my body for its malfunction. Absolutely beautifully written.

What a wonderful post! It brought me to tears, as did many of the comments. My daughter is 7 months and I have been fortunate enough to have a great milk supply. It didn't start out that way and I had to supplement for the first few weeks. It was heartbreaking. I cherish every day I'm able to breastfeed and will do so as long as she will take it!

I know the heartbreak that is IGT all too well.
I recently started a blog about living with this condition: http://diaryofalowmilksupplymama.blogspot.com/search?updated-min=2011-01-01T00%3A00%3A00-08%3A00&updated-max=2012-01-01T00%3A00%3A00-08%3A00&max-results=9
I hope you don't mind, I posted a link from this page on my resources post. It's always good for moms like us to know we're not alone.

This post made me bawl. I feel exactly the same way about bottle-feeding in public. That no one believes that I really have tried EVERYTHING (including natural birth, and consuming my placenta!) This is my third baby, and my last. I tried herbs during pregnancy, hoping to build up more glandular tissue. Didn't happen. When I gave my newest baby her first bottle of formula, I bawled. I had done everything RIGHT, why isn't this working?!?
I just have to remember that every drop of breast milk is worth it.

Thank you for posting! I could have written your exact post almost word for word. I gave birth in June 2010 to a beautiful 8 pound 11 ounce baby girl who lost 13 percent of her birth weight in the first few days of life because my milk never came in appropriately. I had a very arduous vaginal delivery with prolonged second stage and over 5 hours of pushing (baby was totally fine but I was absolutely exhausted afterward) and that could have been a contributing factor to delayed lactogenesis, but I also have very small breasts (AA pre-pregnancy and A pregnant) and I suspect possible IGT. My daughter would scream and claw at my breasts because she wasn't getting anything. I had to shawl wrap her with her arms behind her back to try to nurse. I had to start adding formula on days 4-5 because she was so dehydrated and jaundiced. I could never pump more than 1 ounce, combined, from both breasts. She did eventually learn to latch on well and feed well, but I had to supplement every feed. I took so much fenugreek I smelled like an IHOP and I drank all that mothers milk tea that smelled like cat pee. With domperidone which I added at 5 weeks I was able to give her about 1/3 of feeds as breast milk and pump 1-2 ounces at a time. I went back to work at 2 months and dragged the hospital grade pump along with me, but despite taking in this thing that seemed as big as a cello every day I could only bring home about 3 ounces of precious milk. Finally at 3 months I decided to call it a day and quit the domperidone and pumping; it was just diminishing returns at that point. I enjoyed having her feed at the breast but my meager supply totally dwindled with stopping the dom and pumping so I quit at that point.

I am also a pediatrician and sometimes when I see moms peacefully nursing their babies I am so incredibly jealous. I can totally relate. I also feel bad a lot like my breasts are defective, and this experience hasn't helped some feelings of inadequacy I had about their size (I realize lots of small breasted women breastfeed well and perhaps their size was not a factor in my lactation failure and in my case none of the LCs I saw mentioned an anatomic issue but I can't help wondering). Hugs to you!

Thank you so much for reading my story and commenting with this link on my Savvy Sassy Moms post. This post is perfect and made my cry, stirring up all those old wounds–the body “betrayal”, the hatred, the self-esteem blow, the judgment. I wish there was more knowledge about IGT–especially in the medical community. And, oh how I wish you were our pediatrician!
I am so terribly sorry that you had to experience too, but I am so thankful for sharing my story and finding you! NO one truly understands unless they've been there too, so I appreciate your honesty in sharing.

I am sorry for what you had to got through but glad you came to peace with it. I don't understand why women who don't breasfeed (for whatever reason) feel so inadequate about it and why other people think they have the right to make them feel that way. I wasn't able to breasfeed my first child, for several reasons, and felt ok about it…but I did my daughter for 8 months, 3 years later and felt ok about it too. I think it's a North American thing. I've been in Canada for 7 years now and I only hear about that here. My sister lives in Paris, she just had her second child and is planning to breasfeed for 4 months. She has a PLAN. My best friend back home had her first born a few months ago and since she had to go back to work early (only having 49 days of mat leave) she decided to do it for the first 4 weeks only. During the war, we all had to consume powder milk. In that part of the world cancer occurences, coronary problems and learning disabilites are not in higher proportions than in North America. So what is the big deal? Yes breasfeeding is better both for mom and baby, but nowadays formulas are very good too. My mom breasfead me for more than a year and among my siblings, I am the one that had the msot sicknesses, diseases and allergies….As everything else, I believe that it's the choice of a mother what she wants to do. We should spend out time on other more pressing matters. I wish we could just relax and not judge ourselves and everyone else, for every little thing we do or don't do in that parenting adventure and just enjoy it!

Like everyone else, reading this brought tears to my eyes. Jealousy, being angry at your body, being ashamed to pull a bottle out. I deal wi all of these. Thank you for being so open.

Would you mind if I copy and pasted your story to my blog as a post? I will give you credit and link to your blog. I am collecting stories of moms with IGT.