How exactly did I become the accidental co-sleeper? Out of pure desperation. I imagine this is how most co-sleeping begins. Our culture is not one that supports or condones this kind of arrangement. So, you see, being a pediatrician and first time mother, I too subscribed to the thought that babies sleep in cribs. That’s just what they do.
Why else would I have carefully chosen a beautiful white crib with the blue and yellow star studded bedding to go with it? The room looked adorable, just waiting for our peaceful little baby to fill it up. Truth is, I think my little angel spent a total of three whopping hours in his new and beautiful crib. And those three hours, over the course of 8 months, was anything but peaceful.
I could go into painful detail of all the things I tried to get my little guy to sleep, but in the end, none of them worked. I read countless books on sleep training, had friends swear by the baby wise method, and I really wanted this to work. It didn’t. I thought there was something wrong with me: I was weak, I gave in too easily, I wasn’t doing it right. Then I blamed my baby: he’s difficult, why can’t he sleep in his crib?, what’s wrong with him? FINALLY, I threw in the towel and threw all the books out the window. Okay, not literally, but I wanted to.
What my poor baby had been trying to “tell” me all along was simple: he wanted to sleep with me. And why was I fighting it so much? It’s simple really, a natural inclination that I had been labeling as “unusual”, “difficult”, and “exasperating”. It was exasperating because I was fighting it. Well, no longer, it was time to revise my attitude and re-train my brain.
So, in search for some validation that I was not alone, I surfed the web. Well, thank god for the internet and for Dr.Sears because if I hadn’t found another pediatrician who supported what I felt was the right thing to do, I may not have been so confident to move forward. After 8 miserable months of feeling like I was failing my baby, we finally found sleep. The sleep I had been hoping for. With all proper safety precautions in place, my baby and I found peace.
Not that it was all smooth sailing, I definitely had a high maintenance sleeper on my hands. Even with co-sleeping, he required lots of soothing and rocking in the middle of the night. But, it was 100% better and I felt good knowing I finally tuned in to my mommy instinct. It was a huge lesson for me and one I look to even now when I’m wondering if I’m doing the right thing. My mommy instinct is strong and I shouldn’t ignore it.
All this being said, co-sleeping is not for everyone, just as sleep training is not for everyone. This is not a one size fits all kind of issue here. When other moms would tell me about their experiences trying to sleep train their babies, I always wondered what they meant by “crying”. Because, my baby didn’t just cry…he wailed, hyperventilated, threw up…it didn’t stop. Looking back, it was ridiculous that I thought this was the way to go for us.
My second child was much more amenable to finding sleep on her own. By 7-8 months, I was able to put her down to sleep after our night time routine and she would fuss (not let out blood curdling screams) for less than a minute and then was out. Are you kidding me? So, this is the type of baby all those experts have in mind when they are talking about sleep training. Okay, now I get it. Problem is, each baby comes with their own unique set of needs, and surprise…they’re not all the same!
I’m thankful my first born taught me this lesson so early on in my mothering. I wasn’t thankful for it at the time, but it has been an invaluable lesson, one that will continue to serve me well in this journey through parenting.
Okay, I spilled the beans…what about you? Can you think of a time you tuned in and listened to your mommy instinct, even if it was “against the grain”? Thanks for sharing.
I totally refer to myself as an accidental co-sleeper, and an accidental attachment parent. that wasnt the plan, but its the way it worked out and what worked best for my son.
he is 15.5 months old now,and does sleep in his crib, after some sleep training. but i CANNOT get him to nap in his crib!
I totally refer to myself as an accidental co-sleeper, and an accidental attachment parent. that wasnt the plan, but its the way it worked out and what worked best for my son.
he is 15.5 months old now,and does sleep in his crib, after some sleep training. but i CANNOT get him to nap in his crib!
I have coslept with both of my boys. I had no choice and they still sleep with us. It was the only thing that worked for us. I totally agree that it's not for everyone. Great blog!
I have coslept with both of my boys. I had no choice and they still sleep with us. It was the only thing that worked for us. I totally agree that it's not for everyone. Great blog!
With my first I tried really hard to do the 'right' thing. The thing everyone told me to do. We let him cry. He cried so hard he would throw up all over his crib. It was awful. We FINALLY gave in and brought him to our bed. With my second I again tried, but not as seriously, no throwing up. She ended up in our bed. We realized it really wasn't the big deal that everyone made it out to be. They did not sleep there forever. It made everyone happier and totally worked for us. When my third came along we didn't even question it. In our bed, wasn't long, and now she is happily sleeping in her own room. I am so a believer of doing what you think is right for you, not the books, not the relatives, or the 'know it all' friends. Everyone is different. Do what your gut tells you to do.
With my first I tried really hard to do the 'right' thing. The thing everyone told me to do. We let him cry. He cried so hard he would throw up all over his crib. It was awful. We FINALLY gave in and brought him to our bed. With my second I again tried, but not as seriously, no throwing up. She ended up in our bed. We realized it really wasn't the big deal that everyone made it out to be. They did not sleep there forever. It made everyone happier and totally worked for us. When my third came along we didn't even question it. In our bed, wasn't long, and now she is happily sleeping in her own room. I am so a believer of doing what you think is right for you, not the books, not the relatives, or the 'know it all' friends. Everyone is different. Do what your gut tells you to do.
I'm having trouble with my comments…I don't know why but they're not publishing. I get an e-mail but they don't show up on my blog. Working on it…Thanks!
I'm having trouble with my comments…I don't know why but they're not publishing. I get an e-mail but they don't show up on my blog. Working on it…Thanks!
I'm not an advocate of cosleeping myself! However, I am an advocate of “To each, his own!” Everyone has to do what's right for them and their family. Women–particularly women who are mothers–have to learn not to turn their nose down when other moms do things differently than they do!
Where did I go against the grain? I sought out help for my daughter even though her teachers and pediatrician kept telling me she was just fine! I went against the initial school district psychologist who insisted that my daughter was just fine and didn't warrant an observation at her preschool. After successfully convincing her to do the observation, I was finally told my daughter was autistic after all and needed help. DUH!
I'm not an advocate of cosleeping myself! However, I am an advocate of “To each, his own!” Everyone has to do what's right for them and their family. Women–particularly women who are mothers–have to learn not to turn their nose down when other moms do things differently than they do!
Where did I go against the grain? I sought out help for my daughter even though her teachers and pediatrician kept telling me she was just fine! I went against the initial school district psychologist who insisted that my daughter was just fine and didn't warrant an observation at her preschool. After successfully convincing her to do the observation, I was finally told my daughter was autistic after all and needed help. DUH!
Aside from cosleeping (our story is errily similiar to yours!), the whole “when to start cereal/baby food” was a huge issue with my first child. He ONLY wanted to breastfeed up to the age of 10 months. I tried like crazy to get him to eat cereal/bananas/yams/ANYTHING because I was being bombarded from virtually all sides with comments like, “you know, he should really be sleeping through the night now – he's probably just not getting enough from your breastmilk” and “if you don't start him on food NOW then he's never going to eat anything” and on and on and on. But, everytime I tried to give him a bit of cereal, etc he would gag and then wind up throwing up. Once I decided to stop listening to everyone else and just go with my gut (with a bit of help from Dr. Sears, too), things got so much better. And it's not like my baby was hurting for calories – he was 20# at 6 months. He just wanted his mama and his milk and nothing more. Then, one day when he was somewhere in between 10 and 11 mo old, he grabbed part of a grilled cheese sandwich off my plate at lunch and ate the whole thing.
Aside from cosleeping (our story is errily similiar to yours!), the whole “when to start cereal/baby food” was a huge issue with my first child. He ONLY wanted to breastfeed up to the age of 10 months. I tried like crazy to get him to eat cereal/bananas/yams/ANYTHING because I was being bombarded from virtually all sides with comments like, “you know, he should really be sleeping through the night now – he's probably just not getting enough from your breastmilk” and “if you don't start him on food NOW then he's never going to eat anything” and on and on and on. But, everytime I tried to give him a bit of cereal, etc he would gag and then wind up throwing up. Once I decided to stop listening to everyone else and just go with my gut (with a bit of help from Dr. Sears, too), things got so much better. And it's not like my baby was hurting for calories – he was 20# at 6 months. He just wanted his mama and his milk and nothing more. Then, one day when he was somewhere in between 10 and 11 mo old, he grabbed part of a grilled cheese sandwich off my plate at lunch and ate the whole thing.
I just got off the phone with my best friend. She had a lovely little girl on Thursday and we were discussing co-sleeping. Much like you, I fought it the first time around so I found myself pacing around in the middle of the night trying to get my son to sleep so I could put him in his crib and wake him up in the process. I co-slept with my second son from the very beginning and we all got much more rest! I don't know why I thought it was sooo important to avoid co-sleeping! Perhaps my way of declaring independence as my life was changing and I was adapting to motherhood? I'm really proud of my friend for taking to co-sleeping right away since it's working for her. I think our instints are right so often. If only we didn't fight them so much.
I just got off the phone with my best friend. She had a lovely little girl on Thursday and we were discussing co-sleeping. Much like you, I fought it the first time around so I found myself pacing around in the middle of the night trying to get my son to sleep so I could put him in his crib and wake him up in the process. I co-slept with my second son from the very beginning and we all got much more rest! I don't know why I thought it was sooo important to avoid co-sleeping! Perhaps my way of declaring independence as my life was changing and I was adapting to motherhood? I'm really proud of my friend for taking to co-sleeping right away since it's working for her. I think our instints are right so often. If only we didn't fight them so much.
I was fortunate in that I found my parenting instincts quickly. I was unsure about everything else in life, but this I understood. Even still, trusting your instincts when it goes against everything everyone else tells you is tough. Good for you for finding this on your own. I'm sure it's changed much about your parenting.
And I'd be willing to bet it's made you a better pediatrician as well. Just think of all those moms you can validate now when they tell you they just felt it in their gut.
I was fortunate in that I found my parenting instincts quickly. I was unsure about everything else in life, but this I understood. Even still, trusting your instincts when it goes against everything everyone else tells you is tough. Good for you for finding this on your own. I'm sure it's changed much about your parenting.
And I'd be willing to bet it's made you a better pediatrician as well. Just think of all those moms you can validate now when they tell you they just felt it in their gut.
Melissa,
Great point that co-sleeping is not for everyone. I also like the way you point out, “why was I fighting it so much?”
Love the reminder that parenting is never one size fits all!
Hugs,
Genny
I'm of the impression that's it's impossible to judge others until they've slept with YOUR baby for months.
My husband's a fourth year med student, so naturally, he did not want to co-sleep with our baby since they usually recommend against it. Fortunately, we've been lucky because our 7 week old sleeps really well in her crib. BUT, that's not to say that on those really rough nights she makes a little debut in the bedroom.
Each baby is completely different and each parent should be permitted to do what they can. Our best is only our best.
I'm of the impression that's it's impossible to judge others until they've slept with YOUR baby for months.
My husband's a fourth year med student, so naturally, he did not want to co-sleep with our baby since they usually recommend against it. Fortunately, we've been lucky because our 7 week old sleeps really well in her crib. BUT, that's not to say that on those really rough nights she makes a little debut in the bedroom.
Each baby is completely different and each parent should be permitted to do what they can. Our best is only our best.
I fell into my entire way of parenting by desperation I think! lol Entirely accidental attachment parent-er… cosleeping included. My youngest is 3 and guess what.. I didn't ruin him or the others.
All 3 sleep in their own beds ALL night. It just had to be when they were capable of self-soothing.. not when I thought they should be able to. That simple lesson… oh I wish I'd have known that the first time around. My poor first child!
I fell into my entire way of parenting by desperation I think! lol Entirely accidental attachment parent-er… cosleeping included. My youngest is 3 and guess what.. I didn't ruin him or the others.
All 3 sleep in their own beds ALL night. It just had to be when they were capable of self-soothing.. not when I thought they should be able to. That simple lesson… oh I wish I'd have known that the first time around. My poor first child!
My first kept me up for years. I always went and slept with him in his room to have him not get used to our room. He kept me up for about 5 years! He did the same thing as a teenager :>)
My easy going middle child never needed us in his room or in ours.
My third got scared often as a preteen. We finally made a little bed on the floor near our bed where he would sleep half the time for years.
I guess my point is that each child is different and you must do what you need to do for that child! Their isn't a right answer for everyone!
My first kept me up for years. I always went and slept with him in his room to have him not get used to our room. He kept me up for about 5 years! He did the same thing as a teenager :>)
My easy going middle child never needed us in his room or in ours.
My third got scared often as a preteen. We finally made a little bed on the floor near our bed where he would sleep half the time for years.
I guess my point is that each child is different and you must do what you need to do for that child! Their isn't a right answer for everyone!
I thought that I had the whole co-sleeping thing whipped. My daughter was in her crib from the minute that we walked in the door from the hospital. I was clearly a superior parent. Then she got into the big girl bed, and now talk about an “accidental cosleeper”. Now she roams freely and I am so comatose in the middle of the night that I don't even know she came in until I wake up with her next to me in the morning! I got so balled up about stuff like this when she was an infant, and now I could care less!
I thought that I had the whole co-sleeping thing whipped. My daughter was in her crib from the minute that we walked in the door from the hospital. I was clearly a superior parent. Then she got into the big girl bed, and now talk about an “accidental cosleeper”. Now she roams freely and I am so comatose in the middle of the night that I don't even know she came in until I wake up with her next to me in the morning! I got so balled up about stuff like this when she was an infant, and now I could care less!
I love this post! I wrote a post entitled “motherhood is NOT One Size Fits All” and that's what this reminds me of. I am one of those sleep trainers but I know it is not for everyone and so what worked for me may not work for the next mom – and vice versa.
So glad you found me!! Welcome to TMC! Totally following you and look forward to reading your blog!
BTW, I really like the message you wrote in your profile and I agree 100%. I am currently a WAHM and managing to make this all work, too.
I love this post! I wrote a post entitled “motherhood is NOT One Size Fits All” and that's what this reminds me of. I am one of those sleep trainers but I know it is not for everyone and so what worked for me may not work for the next mom – and vice versa.
So glad you found me!! Welcome to TMC! Totally following you and look forward to reading your blog!
BTW, I really like the message you wrote in your profile and I agree 100%. I am currently a WAHM and managing to make this all work, too.
We did co-sleep with our son, but not with the twins.
I have actually referred a few friends to your blog…you've got such incredible info here!
We did co-sleep with our son, but not with the twins.
I have actually referred a few friends to your blog…you've got such incredible info here!
Infancy wasn't a problem for us. She slept in her crib until she was one. Then she wanted nothing to do with going to sleep on her own. I'm sure that whatever you do, sometimes you'll have problems. I spent about a year laying down with her to get her to sleep. Then when she got old enough to bribe we got her back to putting herself to sleep in her own bed.
I think co-sleeping is fine as long as you're not taking any kind of sleepy medications.
I always thought I'd spoil the twins if I slept with them. I just wish that I hadn't fought it as much as I did. Now I feel that co-sleeping is a very natural thing to do. Studies show how it can be beneficial for both mother and baby. I threw in the towel after 6 months of sleepless nights. Now my boys are 19 months old and sleep in there separate bedrooms. But, if one of them occasionally wants to sneak in with us in the middle of the night I'm more than happy to give in.
I always thought I'd spoil the twins if I slept with them. I just wish that I hadn't fought it as much as I did. Now I feel that co-sleeping is a very natural thing to do. Studies show how it can be beneficial for both mother and baby. I threw in the towel after 6 months of sleepless nights. Now my boys are 19 months old and sleep in there separate bedrooms. But, if one of them occasionally wants to sneak in with us in the middle of the night I'm more than happy to give in.
Whoa…boy have I been there! With my first I knew (or so I thought) EXACTLY how it all should go. Read book after book. After my son's birth and I soon realized ummmm, he was nothing like what the books said I tossed them into the garbage. He wailed. Hyperventilated. Puked. By the time my third child came I had learned in order to function I had to…sleep. We co-slept with all three of ours at different times in their lives. They have turned out fine..and yes now sleep through most nights in their own beds! They sleep with us when they are sick or having a particularly hard day. BTW – thanks for your sweet comment on my authentic mom post! Glad to have found so many great blogs…and moms because of Theta Mom!
JDaniel wasn't a great sleeper either. He didn't even want to sleep with us. He just wanted to be awake.
This is my first visiting your blog and I love it!! My first daughter would not sleep in a crib. It turned out to be a huge waist of space. My second daughter sleeps half of the time in her bassinet and half of the time with me. I hate it when people try to make me feel like a bad mother because I sleep with my children. At least we are all getting some sleep!
This is my first visiting your blog and I love it!! My first daughter would not sleep in a crib. It turned out to be a huge waist of space. My second daughter sleeps half of the time in her bassinet and half of the time with me. I hate it when people try to make me feel like a bad mother because I sleep with my children. At least we are all getting some sleep!
We were accidental cosleepers, too. With both girls. But longer with Madeline.
I'm also about to go buy a walker for Madeline. I know it's a huge no-no but this 10 month old baby thinks she can let go and walk on her own but she has no balance. It's a lose-lose situation!
I came into motherhood with the understanding that I had NO maternal instincts. I read ALL the books in an attempt to make up for that deficit. I chose the parenting philosophy I felt was “best” based on outcome and I played it strictly by the BOOK! (SO totally laughing at myself right now!!!)
By the time we had Thing2, I burnt all the books.
I'm a co-sleeper (via crib sidecar). Thing1 was NOT a co-sleeper despite my best efforts to convince her otherwise. Thing2 is an avid co-sleeper.
LOVE these dialogs!
Thank you for such a great post! I realized at one of my first playgroups, that all but 1 mom there co-slept with their kids. I'm thinking it's more the norm than the exception, just kept quiet. I don't know why there is such a stigma attached to it. We tried the “cry it out” method as recommended by nearly everyone, and it felt wrong. I hated it. Our first born did the whole screaming, vomiting, repeat. It was not for me. Now my babies sleep with me until the next one comes along. I wouldn't have it any other way. They need me! To me, it just doesn't seem fair that it's more “appropriate” to share a bed with your husband while a helpless newborn, craving mommy's touch, needs to be alone in a crib in a separate room! Crazy!
I was an accidental co-sleeper too. You get to a stage where it goes like this “whatever works”.
And so we co-slept for awhile, and it was not until 9 months or so that he was finally sleeping through the night in his own crib…
Whatever works
I was an accidental co-sleeper too. You get to a stage where it goes like this “whatever works”.
And so we co-slept for awhile, and it was not until 9 months or so that he was finally sleeping through the night in his own crib…
Whatever works
love your blog! I'm a 4th year medical student going into pediatricsm and your blog really hits home for me. Thanks!
Monica
http://chunkyandmonkey.blogspot.com/
love your blog! I'm a 4th year medical student going into pediatricsm and your blog really hits home for me. Thanks!
Monica
http://chunkyandmonkey.blogspot.com/
Both my kids reacted like your to sleep training. They acted like they were having a panic attack. It was frightening. Luckily, my pediatrician is also a co-sleeping mom. Before I got up the nerve to talk to her, I found Dr Sears. Our family was really opposed to our high-touch parenting style. I heard about spoiling, separation anxiety, on and on. All those predictions were false. When she learned to sleep on her own, she did great. She learned both how to consolidate her sleep and soothe herself. She never had a soothie, blankie, or other security item because she made the transition when she was ready. She didn't have any transition or separation issues in daycare, preschool…All predictions, wrong.
My second baby, like yours, needed less touch and transitioned to independent sleep sooner. He was also more interested in having material security objects like blanket or bear, whereas the first wasn't so much.
Both my kids reacted like your to sleep training. They acted like they were having a panic attack. It was frightening. Luckily, my pediatrician is also a co-sleeping mom. Before I got up the nerve to talk to her, I found Dr Sears. Our family was really opposed to our high-touch parenting style. I heard about spoiling, separation anxiety, on and on. All those predictions were false. When she learned to sleep on her own, she did great. She learned both how to consolidate her sleep and soothe herself. She never had a soothie, blankie, or other security item because she made the transition when she was ready. She didn't have any transition or separation issues in daycare, preschool…All predictions, wrong.
My second baby, like yours, needed less touch and transitioned to independent sleep sooner. He was also more interested in having material security objects like blanket or bear, whereas the first wasn't so much.
I'm so excited for your big day at Theta Mom! I'm a little late..but that seems to be the norm for me lately
I LOVE this post and it's got me going hmmm… my youngest boy just turned 9 months. He sounds very much like your co-sleeper 
I've actually tossed the idea of co-sleeping around for several months now and keep convincing myself that if I give in he'll sleep in our bed forever and I'm a little afraid it will cause some jealousy with my oldest son (who is now 4) that we never let him do it. There is no way both could sleep with us at once! I have a stupid question. Does your child not go to bed until you do? How do you keep them from falling out if you are still up? Do you have the toddler railings on your bed? Intimacy? Naptimes – do you have to lay with him? So many questions! Maybe I should write a post about it.. 
Have a great day!
[…] My son was what I like to call a high maintenance sleeper. He was otherwise completely delightful and a happy guy while awake, but oh my, did I dread bedtime. We ended up co-sleeping too. I talk about this in my post, The Accidental Co-Sleeper. […]
Thank you so much for this post! I am a family physician and go through periods of guilt for co-sleeping. Last week it accidentally came out that every provider in my office had co-slept with their babies for at least awhile. My son is easy in almost every way but sleep has always been elusive. Co-sleeping was the only way we’ve survived, and frankly it’s been a very cozy cuddly thing for me, too. I sometimes worry that I somehow caused his sleep differences, but at the same time I’m always telling parents that each child is different with different needs…maybe I should listen to my own advice! Thank you for yours. And I agree, thank heavens for Dr. Sears.
[…] at least awhile. And every one of us was surprised that everyone else did. Today I came across an article by a pediatrician in California whose first had no end of sleeping troubles and they ended up […]
[…] my last year and 8 months of blogging, I’ve made a few confessions myself: how I became an accidental co-sleeper and how both my kids hated the crib, so spent only a handful of nights in them. It’s why I […]
What a relief to come across your blog!!!! I also a pediatrician and have
Been suffering from guilt, feeling like a failure, and sleep deprivation – I have my 3 rd child who sounds like your first. He is 5 months old and we have battling sleep issues since after birth.. I have resorted to cosleeping but in light of all our pediatric policies on cosleeping, the guilt only gets worse. I agree each child is different!!! My first 2 were not like this. I feel we need to support breastffeeding and sleep! Thank you a million times.