No, it’s not the nausea, fatigue, or tender breasts…I believe the first symptom of pregnancy has got to be the Mommy Guilt. We’re all afflicted by it and if you think about it, mommy guilt was probably the first pang of pregnancy you felt. Case in point, what did you do immediately after realizing that second pink line was, in fact, a positive pregnancy test (okay, besides taking the test at least 5 more times…just to be sure)?
If you’re anything like me, you probably went through the mental calculation in your head wondering if you were pregnant at the time you indulged in a glass of wine or two at dinner. Guess what that was? Your first pang of mommy guilt. And so it begins…welcome to motherhood…now here’s your guilt to go along with it.
You soon realize there is an endless list of things that cause those mommy guilt pangs. Some are just that… little pangs, irritating but there. Some, unfortunately, never completely go away. These lingering pains of mommy guilt are more deep-seated and we take them with us throughout our motherhood.
One of my lingering pains of mommy guilt is feeding my baby formula and failing at breastfeeding. According to recent online mom polls, this is one of the leading causes of mommy guilt. As a new mom, totally committed to and expecting to breastfeed, you can imagine my sorrow when I finally came to the realization that my baby needed formula. Five years later, this wound is still fresh to me.
Yes, I gave my baby formula…he needed it. My milk never came in and I’ll spare you the details on that one. That first feeding with a bottle of formula was torture for me. Seeing my newborn son gulp that milk down like there was no tomorrow, filled me with intense mommy guilt. Looking at my (finally) satiated infant peacefully sleeping, reduced me to uncontrollable sobs. I felt like a failure. This particular mommy guilt is one I will always be afflicted with. And though I forgive myself because I know I tried everything within my power to become a successful breast feeder, the mommy guilt remains.
That type of mommy guilt can only be alleviated with time. But, what about the everyday pangs of mommy guilt? The ones that continually nag at us throughout the day? Am I spending enough time with my children? Are my children eating enough healthy foods? Are my children watching too much TV? The list goes on. What can we do about those?
This is where we can use a little attitude adjustment and give ourselves a break. These everyday pangs of mommy guilt can add up and take a toll on our physical and mental well being. If we continually fill our heads with the I “should” do this or I “should” do that, we may miss out on the golden moments with our children.
Yes, all those things are important: spending quality time with our children, encouraging them to eat healthy foods, limiting their TV time, but to dwell only on our pitfalls throughout the day does us, and our children, a huge disservice. Instead of focusing on what we did wrong during a particular day, let’s give ourselves some praise for all the things we did right.
There will be those days when we will have to work a little later, the treats seem a little overboard, or the TV is our only sanity saving device, but I bet on those particular days, for every one minor slip up or set back, we will do ten things right. We will make healthy breakfasts, give extra hugs and kisses, and spend well over an hour searching for our child’s beloved “lost” toy. And, at the end of the day, that will be what remains. Our unconditional love for our children.
So you see, we have enough of the lingering mommy guilt to contend with. Let’s give ourselves a well deserved break from the daily pangs of mommy guilt. If only for today, tell yourself you’re doing a great job and focus on the big picture. You’ll be happier and your children will be too.
Great post! I have tremendous mommy guilt over the damn bottle! My daughter loved breast feeding, but she couldn't digest the proteins from the food I ate. Because of this, I had to go on an elimination diet (pretty much means there wasn't much I could eat). Four months after giving birth, I was down to 109 pounds and was very weak and dizzy. I just couldn't keep breast feeding, for my own health. I forced my daughter to take the hypoallergenic formula, which is truly nasty. She got used to it eventually, but I still hate myself for “not doing my job right.” If I had to do it all over again…. Well, you get the picture!
Great post! I have tremendous mommy guilt over the damn bottle! My daughter loved breast feeding, but she couldn't digest the proteins from the food I ate. Because of this, I had to go on an elimination diet (pretty much means there wasn't much I could eat). Four months after giving birth, I was down to 109 pounds and was very weak and dizzy. I just couldn't keep breast feeding, for my own health. I forced my daughter to take the hypoallergenic formula, which is truly nasty. She got used to it eventually, but I still hate myself for “not doing my job right.” If I had to do it all over again…. Well, you get the picture!
Ahhhh…Mommy Guilt. I know the feeling well – in fact, I just posted about it yesterday! Thanks for helping me keep my perspective in check!!!
Ahhhh…Mommy Guilt. I know the feeling well – in fact, I just posted about it yesterday! Thanks for helping me keep my perspective in check!!!
So true! I guess it's in our genes to feel guilty about everything pertaining to our children. I too struggled with guilt about ending breastfeeding a little early with my first born. Then, one day a few months after the breastfeeding had stopped, I realized that I was only breastfed for 1 month and I did just fine. Yes, it's better to breastfeed when possible, but it's not a horrible tragedy and it's definitely not my fault. Wiser and more mature, I had my second son and I still felt guilty stopping after 12 months (yes, 12) of breastfeeding. I guess I didn't learn the lesson!
So true! I guess it's in our genes to feel guilty about everything pertaining to our children. I too struggled with guilt about ending breastfeeding a little early with my first born. Then, one day a few months after the breastfeeding had stopped, I realized that I was only breastfed for 1 month and I did just fine. Yes, it's better to breastfeed when possible, but it's not a horrible tragedy and it's definitely not my fault. Wiser and more mature, I had my second son and I still felt guilty stopping after 12 months (yes, 12) of breastfeeding. I guess I didn't learn the lesson!
Took the words out of every momma's mind :). I'm breastfeeding my baby, but still feel the guilt – it seems like we always find a reason… Great blog!!
Took the words out of every momma's mind :). I'm breastfeeding my baby, but still feel the guilt – it seems like we always find a reason… Great blog!!
Great post Melissa! I feel guilty all the time if I don't eat my “5 to 6 recommended vegetable and fruit servings a day” Aaahhh! I even feel guilty about my OTC pre-natal vitamins. The doc says they're fine and did give me some prescription samples there for awhile but they ran out. It's nice to know that I'm not the only one and I should just get used to the guilt…and then get over it because I'm not perfect. Thanks for this post!
Great post Melissa! I feel guilty all the time if I don't eat my “5 to 6 recommended vegetable and fruit servings a day” Aaahhh! I even feel guilty about my OTC pre-natal vitamins. The doc says they're fine and did give me some prescription samples there for awhile but they ran out. It's nice to know that I'm not the only one and I should just get used to the guilt…and then get over it because I'm not perfect. Thanks for this post!
This is an awesome concept! I think it is indeed best to focus on the positive rather than nit picking.
So very true! And you were dead on with what I thought after finding out I was pregnant with Kate! I had had 1/2 a margarita when we were out with friends!
So very true! And you were dead on with what I thought after finding out I was pregnant with Kate! I had had 1/2 a margarita when we were out with friends!
Funny thing my Hubby got the same guilt when I started back to work and our son had to be given one bottle a day while I was at work! He has always been into the brestfeeding as much or more than me! He can't figure out why more men don't support their wives with brestfeeding instead of pushing them to bottle feed.
But I do understand the mommy guilt. I don't think you can be a mommy without it!!
http://www.frugaltractormom.blogspot.com
Funny thing my Hubby got the same guilt when I started back to work and our son had to be given one bottle a day while I was at work! He has always been into the brestfeeding as much or more than me! He can't figure out why more men don't support their wives with brestfeeding instead of pushing them to bottle feed.
But I do understand the mommy guilt. I don't think you can be a mommy without it!!
http://www.frugaltractormom.blogspot.com
I wrote a post on my blog about this somewhat recently. The mommy guilt is relentless! I decided that there's just too much to worry about to be buried in mommy guilt. I can't do it!
I wrote a post on my blog about this somewhat recently. The mommy guilt is relentless! I decided that there's just too much to worry about to be buried in mommy guilt. I can't do it!
I definitely have mommy guilt. And sometimes it can be overwhelming. But it is just part of who I am, and I'm learning to cope with it, not ignore it.
Great post.
I definitely have mommy guilt. And sometimes it can be overwhelming. But it is just part of who I am, and I'm learning to cope with it, not ignore it.
Great post.
I have to agree with the breastfeeding formula thing! Even though it was not my fault that I couldn't breastfeed my daughter (I had a fever and a UTI – was on antibiotics) but the fact that I tried and she didn't want it, was torture for a little while! Until the doctor said, don't blame yourself! It wasn't your fault and you did try. Ok, that made me feel better.
Don't feel guilty! You have to be confident in the decisions you make! You made them for a reason, now be confident that the reason in your head was a good one.
I have to agree with the breastfeeding formula thing! Even though it was not my fault that I couldn't breastfeed my daughter (I had a fever and a UTI – was on antibiotics) but the fact that I tried and she didn't want it, was torture for a little while! Until the doctor said, don't blame yourself! It wasn't your fault and you did try. Ok, that made me feel better.
Don't feel guilty! You have to be confident in the decisions you make! You made them for a reason, now be confident that the reason in your head was a good one.
Ugh. Breastfeeding. I can clearly remember standing in my kitchen trying to figure out how to assemble a Dr. Brown's bottle for the first time as I was uncontrollably sobbing. I felt like such a miserable failure.
Ugh. Breastfeeding. I can clearly remember standing in my kitchen trying to figure out how to assemble a Dr. Brown's bottle for the first time as I was uncontrollably sobbing. I felt like such a miserable failure.
A good reminder to remember of all the great things we do for our children! Guilt does serve a purpose: it makes us uncomfortable so we might change behavior we don't like, but it is definitely not healthy to dwell on things out of our control. As you said, we should keep our focus on the wonderful job we are doing as mothers and enjoy where we are right now.
Ditto on the breastfeeding failure guilt. I had a horrid time with my first born and bawled my eyes out each time I had to give her a bottle… I was thankful that I found the proper help to breastfeed my next two children.. but I STILL feel badly about not succeeding with her… and she's NINE!
Ditto on the breastfeeding failure guilt. I had a horrid time with my first born and bawled my eyes out each time I had to give her a bottle… I was thankful that I found the proper help to breastfeed my next two children.. but I STILL feel badly about not succeeding with her… and she's NINE!
So very true, mommy guilt and it's close friend worry start early and never seem to go away! I'm pregnant and have a preschooler, and I can tell you that some things never change!
You are so right that focusing on the positive is the best thing that we can do for our kids and also ourselves. Where we have our sights is where we will go. Do we want to go down a path of optimism and joy or a path of negativity and discouragement? Clearly the first!
So very true, mommy guilt and it's close friend worry start early and never seem to go away! I'm pregnant and have a preschooler, and I can tell you that some things never change!
You are so right that focusing on the positive is the best thing that we can do for our kids and also ourselves. Where we have our sights is where we will go. Do we want to go down a path of optimism and joy or a path of negativity and discouragement? Clearly the first!
I've definitely spent an inordinate amount of time beating myself up for things I didn't get done instead of realizing all that I did accomplish keeping Mungee safe and fed and loved. I still do get the Mommy Guilt, but I try not to let it overwhelm me. Thank you for the reminder!
Speaking of formula feeding over breastfeeding, for all three of my kids, my doctor emphasized and emphasized the importance of breastfeeding. I had a latching nurse in my room as soon as I was in the recovering room. They made sure I was breastfeeding and even when I told my doc that I was not producing enough milk, the answer was I was not feeding my baby long enough.
Speaking of formula feeding over breastfeeding, for all three of my kids, my doctor emphasized and emphasized the importance of breastfeeding. I had a latching nurse in my room as soon as I was in the recovering room. They made sure I was breastfeeding and even when I told my doc that I was not producing enough milk, the answer was I was not feeding my baby long enough.
I think I felt guilty when I didn't get enough sleep. My mind was clear and fresh to start the day. Many things seeme worse until sleep kicked in for JDaniel.
Thanks for stopping by.
Mommmy guilt – without a doubt! In so many aspects and it different ways, it hits all of us.
Mommmy guilt – without a doubt! In so many aspects and it different ways, it hits all of us.
Your style is such a good balance of medical with emotional components.
I know, I had no choice: I had to breastfeed. My children were allergic to even the hypoallergenic alimentum formula.
So, the other side of it, is always being bound to the baby.
You have to look at all the positives that come out of the trials, don't you?
Excellent mixing in the love formula to the mother equation.
Your style is such a good balance of medical with emotional components.
I know, I had no choice: I had to breastfeed. My children were allergic to even the hypoallergenic alimentum formula.
So, the other side of it, is always being bound to the baby.
You have to look at all the positives that come out of the trials, don't you?
Excellent mixing in the love formula to the mother equation.
So true, unfortunately my oldest is 7 and i still have it.
So true, unfortunately my oldest is 7 and i still have it.
What a fantastic, beautifully written post! I love how you balance the medical/emotional aspects of being a mom. Mommy guilt is vicious, and I appreciate your take on it and advice for not letting it eat you up!
What a fantastic, beautifully written post! I love how you balance the medical/emotional aspects of being a mom. Mommy guilt is vicious, and I appreciate your take on it and advice for not letting it eat you up!
great post and I had it with all my kids especially when I bottle fed my kids and then there is the guilt of not always being there for them and hoping that they succed.
great post and I had it with all my kids especially when I bottle fed my kids and then there is the guilt of not always being there for them and hoping that they succed.
Oh my gosh! This is SO dead on! Great post!
I feel guilty for even sitting here tonight and blogging when I really should be folding laundry!
Oh my gosh! This is SO dead on! Great post!
I feel guilty for even sitting here tonight and blogging when I really should be folding laundry!
Well said, and so true! Mom guilt is the worst, especially the self-imposed kind.
Loved that!!! So, so true!!! It's hard not to feel guilty for all the things we do or fail to do, but what matters most is that we are trying.
Thank you for that great post. Oh and I know the feeling about breastfeeding. I was only able to do it for 3 months, which I'm grateful for, but still wonder if may it was my fault that my milk dried up.
Loved that!!! So, so true!!! It's hard not to feel guilty for all the things we do or fail to do, but what matters most is that we are trying.
Thank you for that great post. Oh and I know the feeling about breastfeeding. I was only able to do it for 3 months, which I'm grateful for, but still wonder if may it was my fault that my milk dried up.
This is such a great post!! I had never thought of it this way, but when my husband and I recently thought that we might be expecting, the whole “Oh no, I just drank a couple of glasses of wine last night!” thought completely overwhelmed me.
Enjoying your blog so much!!
This is such a great post!! I had never thought of it this way, but when my husband and I recently thought that we might be expecting, the whole “Oh no, I just drank a couple of glasses of wine last night!” thought completely overwhelmed me.
Enjoying your blog so much!!