After reading all your wonderful and supportive comments on Tuesday’s post regarding my daughter and the unfortunate fish incident, I decided I indeed needed to lighten up and get some perspective here. Yes, it was sad (“my fish, my fish”) because I can still picture her tear streaked face. However….hello? She probably doesn’t even remember it. Thank you for reminding me to be a little easier on myself.
That being said, I’ve been thinking a lot about birth order and how it affects and shapes our personalities. Will Little Sister have the so-called Second Child Syndrome? Actually, I doubt it. I’m not sure how much I believe in all that. Yes, birth order plays a role in our personalities. But, to such an extent that we would be afflicted by a syndrome? Doubtful.
There are a plethora of articles, posts, and studies out there focusing on this very issue: does birth order dictate our personality? Contribute to it? Yes, inevitably. But, dictate who we become? No, I don’t think so. There are so many other contributing factors here: innate personality traits, gender, family, and peer influence. All of these and more will ultimately comprise who we become as adults and this is never static, it’s ever changing.
Certainly the way we parent differs as more children are added to our families. This is natural and inevitable but it isn’t destructive in and of itself. This doesn’t mean that each subsequent child is less privileged, less cared for, or less loved (even if there are less pictures!). It’s all part of being a family.
So, in the grand scheme of things, Little Sister is no worse for this little fish mishap. Even though she doesn’t get to be the first to reach many of the exciting milestones, she’s lucky in so many other ways. Like having a Big Brother to be our test case. He paves the way for her.
I remember a time when the roles were reversed and Big Brother was knocked off his throne the day Little Sister (the princess) was brought home from the hospital. That turned Big Brother’s world upside down for awhile. It’s a give and take and we all adapt. I mean, hey, I’m one of five girls…and in the middle! Alright, alright pipe down now, I can hear the collective “oh…so now it all makes sense”.
Yes, I am the middle child, sandwiched between four sisters. Though I can see how there are certain traits ascribed to middle children that I possess (like needing to be the peacemaker), it in no way completely defines who I am. I’m no Jan Brady (remember The Brady Bunch?).
So in reality Little Sister has got it made. She may not think so right now but I’m certain she’ll appreciate having a Big Brother in the long run.
In the meantime, since we have some years to get through. What can we do to make sure each of our children gets the love and attention they crave and deserve? Here are a few tips and many are thanks to your wonderful comments and suggestions:
- For one, we can try to stop worrying about it so much. Each position, whether oldest, middle, or youngest has its advantages (and disadvantages)…it will all even out.
- Try to remember that your second child needs to be celebrated too for each milestone they achieve.
- There is no such thing as fair or equal when it comes to dealing with our children. And, I don’t think we should aim for that either. I do believe in treating each child for the unique individual he/she is. This will be much easier for me as the children get older and can understand why one will get something special one day and that their day will come too.
- Having “dates” with each of our children is a great way to give them our undivided attention. I definitely need to do this more.
- Ultimately, just love our children. Yes, it is enough.
- Twins throw in a curve ball…I think that’s a whole other post…any takers?
So I revealed that I’m a Middle Child. What about you, where do you fall as far as birth order goes? Do you think you fit any of the stereotypes associated with your rank? I’d love to hear about it.
Yes at times I do and fit the oldest and other times I can be a middle child too. Great ideas.
Yes at times I do and fit the oldest and other times I can be a middle child too. Great ideas.
I'm a youngest and I'm an attention seeking dramatic bossy brat.
I'm a youngest and I'm an attention seeking dramatic bossy brat.
I'm an oldest child and when I look at my siblings, it's pretty obvious that I definitely fit the stereotype oldest child. But it's hard to separate my personality out from my birth order. I may have turned out just the same being a middle or youngest child. I like what you say about birth order influencing us, but not “afflicting” us. It's true, and definitely moves away from the idea that our children are victims of their birth order.
I'm an oldest child and when I look at my siblings, it's pretty obvious that I definitely fit the stereotype oldest child. But it's hard to separate my personality out from my birth order. I may have turned out just the same being a middle or youngest child. I like what you say about birth order influencing us, but not “afflicting” us. It's true, and definitely moves away from the idea that our children are victims of their birth order.
So glad I found you through Melinda! I'm a new mom of two baby girls, you blog seems to have lots of helpful information as well as real life stories…just what I need!
have a wonderful weekend and I hope you get lots of blog love today!
So glad I found you through Melinda! I'm a new mom of two baby girls, you blog seems to have lots of helpful information as well as real life stories…just what I need!
have a wonderful weekend and I hope you get lots of blog love today!
I'm in the middle of my older sister and younger…but i feel like the eldest…my older sister acts like a baby and has no idea what life is supposed to be…a shame that i cannot look up to her like i'm supposed to:) the younger sister and i are close though! nice post
I'm in the middle of my older sister and younger…but i feel like the eldest…my older sister acts like a baby and has no idea what life is supposed to be…a shame that i cannot look up to her like i'm supposed to:) the younger sister and i are close though! nice post
i'm the youngest spoilt one! why are the middle ones a bit messed up? not all of them but most of them. no offence!
~ash's mum
i'm the youngest spoilt one! why are the middle ones a bit messed up? not all of them but most of them. no offence!
~ash's mum
As the middle of 3, I've done some research myself on this…and I agree, yes…our “place-in-the-lineup” does have some similarities to others “first, middle, baby”…I don't believe you would be “afflicted” with anything.
I just find it all interesting and humorous that my older brother IS the typical firstborn, that I AM the typical middle-child, and yes…my younger Sis is the typical “baby” in the family!
I have watched so many other friends and families who have 3, and have talked to my friend are or who have 3, and I think this “birth-order-place” seems more prevalent in families of 3 children. I think it helps us as parents (or as siblings) to “understand” and take it all “lightly”.
As the middle of 3, I've done some research myself on this…and I agree, yes…our “place-in-the-lineup” does have some similarities to others “first, middle, baby”…I don't believe you would be “afflicted” with anything.
I just find it all interesting and humorous that my older brother IS the typical firstborn, that I AM the typical middle-child, and yes…my younger Sis is the typical “baby” in the family!
I have watched so many other friends and families who have 3, and have talked to my friend are or who have 3, and I think this “birth-order-place” seems more prevalent in families of 3 children. I think it helps us as parents (or as siblings) to “understand” and take it all “lightly”.
I'm the youngest of 3–by far. My parents were always open that I was an accident–I was born clutching the pill in my hand and laughing! One sister is 6.5 years older than me the other was over 8 years older. I loved being the youngest! My parents were much more lax with me than with my sisters. Also, for a good chunk of my childhood, my sisters had moved out, so I was like an only child, but not! It was the best of both worlds. I had no sibling rivalry since they were so much older. And, strangely enough, I was always really close with my oldest sister. We were so similar in our personalities. When I was 10 and she was 18, she even LET me tag-along with her and her friends. Her friends even liked me!
Being the youngest rocked!
I'm the youngest of 3–by far. My parents were always open that I was an accident–I was born clutching the pill in my hand and laughing! One sister is 6.5 years older than me the other was over 8 years older. I loved being the youngest! My parents were much more lax with me than with my sisters. Also, for a good chunk of my childhood, my sisters had moved out, so I was like an only child, but not! It was the best of both worlds. I had no sibling rivalry since they were so much older. And, strangely enough, I was always really close with my oldest sister. We were so similar in our personalities. When I was 10 and she was 18, she even LET me tag-along with her and her friends. Her friends even liked me!
Being the youngest rocked!
I'm a middle child of 5. I do fit some of the middle child makeup … I'm definitely the peace maker … I'm the second coming of Rodney King, “…can't we just all get along?”
What kind of “taker” are you looking for on the twins post? About all I could offer is my own observations of my twins … I very purposefully do not read or study anything about twins. I try not to have any preconceived expectations of their personalities or behaviors.
I'm a middle child of 5. I do fit some of the middle child makeup … I'm definitely the peace maker … I'm the second coming of Rodney King, “…can't we just all get along?”
What kind of “taker” are you looking for on the twins post? About all I could offer is my own observations of my twins … I very purposefully do not read or study anything about twins. I try not to have any preconceived expectations of their personalities or behaviors.
LOL…love it! Though it then led me to think of my 4 girls, but who is the middle child if 4 are involved or any even number ..lol. Plus you being my older sister and I having a younger sister I am not technically the youngest nor the oldest so I never really fell into the birth order theory. Maybe that's what's wrong with me…lol. Some choose to believe in the birth order theory, some believe in the astrology theory, I will blame it on the parenting theory..lol! I believe we are all born with different personalities from the get go~ we are unique from the moment of conception it's who we were meant to be…it was written in the stars:) I could go on to explain my reasoning but that would turn into a essay..lol~XO
LOL…love it! Though it then led me to think of my 4 girls, but who is the middle child if 4 are involved or any even number ..lol. Plus you being my older sister and I having a younger sister I am not technically the youngest nor the oldest so I never really fell into the birth order theory. Maybe that's what's wrong with me…lol. Some choose to believe in the birth order theory, some believe in the astrology theory, I will blame it on the parenting theory..lol! I believe we are all born with different personalities from the get go~ we are unique from the moment of conception it's who we were meant to be…it was written in the stars:) I could go on to explain my reasoning but that would turn into a essay..lol~XO
My hubby and I are both the babies of our family. We think first borns are weird. Little Sister will always have that! Second born is cooler!
I was an only child for 12.5 years until my baby brother was born, so I have no idea what that makes me! I definitely have some only child traits, but I'm quite the firstborn too. With my girls, #1 is definitely #1. #2 is a free spirit, #3 is a drama queen and #4 is easily falling into the role of baby. We shall see how that all plays out!
I was an only child for 12.5 years until my baby brother was born, so I have no idea what that makes me! I definitely have some only child traits, but I'm quite the firstborn too. With my girls, #1 is definitely #1. #2 is a free spirit, #3 is a drama queen and #4 is easily falling into the role of baby. We shall see how that all plays out!
I only have one child, but I do have an older sister. I believe that our personalities were shaped not by our birth order, but through other circumstances. I think its more about when you were born, family situation, living situation, caregivers, your family financial situation, “confidence” of your parents as parents, etc etc that shape you. not to say it doesnt play ANY role, there are things/traits/experience that i do attribute to having an older sister, but as far as i can understand myself, it made me a better person, and my memories about having a big sister when i was little are for the most part positive, too.
I only have one child, but I do have an older sister. I believe that our personalities were shaped not by our birth order, but through other circumstances. I think its more about when you were born, family situation, living situation, caregivers, your family financial situation, “confidence” of your parents as parents, etc etc that shape you. not to say it doesnt play ANY role, there are things/traits/experience that i do attribute to having an older sister, but as far as i can understand myself, it made me a better person, and my memories about having a big sister when i was little are for the most part positive, too.
i'm the oldest of three and i am a classic example of a firstborn. but i think i'm a little backwards with my kids. i think it helps that my middle child is the only boy…. and i think my youngest actually gets more in the way of pictures and baby book writing and whatnot. mainly because i didn't really think about doing those things with my first child. poor hannah…as the oldest, she is definitely our “guinea pig” on a lot of things!
I do believe that birth order plays a role in determining personality traits, but all families are not alike, so all children won't fit into the birth order pattern.
My firstborn is an overachiever, trying to live up to everyone's expectations. He is also the most well-behaved, because as new parents, we were so strict and idealistic, and energetic.
The two middles are the most well-adjusted in our family.
The youngest is a spoiled rotten princess (and not in a good way). We ADORE her and she knows it. She is supremely confident and very strong-willed.
Of course each child has their own personality, but our parenting influenced certain aspects. Our strictness with the first and our coddling with the last were the strongest factors.
I do believe that birth order plays a role in determining personality traits, but all families are not alike, so all children won't fit into the birth order pattern.
My firstborn is an overachiever, trying to live up to everyone's expectations. He is also the most well-behaved, because as new parents, we were so strict and idealistic, and energetic.
The two middles are the most well-adjusted in our family.
The youngest is a spoiled rotten princess (and not in a good way). We ADORE her and she knows it. She is supremely confident and very strong-willed.
Of course each child has their own personality, but our parenting influenced certain aspects. Our strictness with the first and our coddling with the last were the strongest factors.
Yes, yes, and yes.
I see it with my 3: classic.
BOssy, older.
Quiet, easy to please middle.
Attention seeking star of the family: Baby E.
Yes, yes, and yes.
I see it with my 3: classic.
BOssy, older.
Quiet, easy to please middle.
Attention seeking star of the family: Baby E.
So, are you ready? I am the exact middle child of 7. I have 3 older brothers and 3 younger sisters. And I am definitely no Jan Brady. I was the flashy star of the show in my family, definitely not quiet and never lacking attention. I do have one classic middle child trait though, I am always trying to please everyone, but I think that's more Irish Catholic guilt than anything.
I have 3 girls. My oldest is shy and quiet, but she does mother her sisters quite well. My middle girl is extroverted, gregarious and oftentimes bosses her big sister around. She's also my high maintenance girl. She needs the most attention from me.
Then there's my baby, the earth loving quiet girl who never, ever wants to be a bother in any way. So, I think I agree with you.
So, are you ready? I am the exact middle child of 7. I have 3 older brothers and 3 younger sisters. And I am definitely no Jan Brady. I was the flashy star of the show in my family, definitely not quiet and never lacking attention. I do have one classic middle child trait though, I am always trying to please everyone, but I think that's more Irish Catholic guilt than anything.
I have 3 girls. My oldest is shy and quiet, but she does mother her sisters quite well. My middle girl is extroverted, gregarious and oftentimes bosses her big sister around. She's also my high maintenance girl. She needs the most attention from me.
Then there's my baby, the earth loving quiet girl who never, ever wants to be a bother in any way. So, I think I agree with you.
Yes, birth order is interesting. In some cases I see it define people's personalities well and then in other cases not so well. My husband is a middle child, and he's the most responsible out of both his sisters. I'm an only child…and…um…I'm not spoiled; although, I did receive a lot of attention from both parents. I think the personal dates with each of your children are important, especially as they get older. This builds up their confidence, their relationship with you, and creates some awesome memories in the process.
Oh, and finally, congratulations on another guest post! You deserve it!
Yes, birth order is interesting. In some cases I see it define people's personalities well and then in other cases not so well. My husband is a middle child, and he's the most responsible out of both his sisters. I'm an only child…and…um…I'm not spoiled; although, I did receive a lot of attention from both parents. I think the personal dates with each of your children are important, especially as they get older. This builds up their confidence, their relationship with you, and creates some awesome memories in the process.
Oh, and finally, congratulations on another guest post! You deserve it!
I read The New Birth Order Book: Why You Are the Way You Are, a while back. I really was surprised by how closely my kids fit the description for their place in the family.
But, I agree with you, there are so many other factors that come into play as well.
My oldest, without a doubt, got the most attention. But, I've always joked that my middle child will be the most well adjusted because the world has never revolved around him.
And as far as fairness goes, phft….I have a friend who teaches and when her kids bring up fairness, she tells them, “Life is equally unfair.”
Good advice here!
I read The New Birth Order Book: Why You Are the Way You Are, a while back. I really was surprised by how closely my kids fit the description for their place in the family.
But, I agree with you, there are so many other factors that come into play as well.
My oldest, without a doubt, got the most attention. But, I've always joked that my middle child will be the most well adjusted because the world has never revolved around him.
And as far as fairness goes, phft….I have a friend who teaches and when her kids bring up fairness, she tells them, “Life is equally unfair.”
Good advice here!
I am a middle child, sandwiched between an older sister who did whatever she wanted to do, and a younger brother who got into trouble at every opportunity. It was interesting growing up, to say the least.
I am quiet, don't like the spotlight, and I am happy to let others be the center of attention. I think being a middle child absolutely affected my personality!
I am a middle child, sandwiched between an older sister who did whatever she wanted to do, and a younger brother who got into trouble at every opportunity. It was interesting growing up, to say the least.
I am quiet, don't like the spotlight, and I am happy to let others be the center of attention. I think being a middle child absolutely affected my personality!
Hi there,
I'm the oldest of two – and I fit the description of eldest to a “T” (though I've usually read articles that talk about at least sets of three kids). I was a bossy older sister. I “translated” for my younger brother, which ended up delaying his speech ('cause he didn't have to speak – I did it for him). I'm the “organized take care of stuff” sibling. But I think some of that is personality beyond who is oldest/youngest. My brother is more like my mom (a “type b” sorta fella – now don't get me wrong, he's a PhD, so there's no lack of ambition, he just doesn't see the need to do stuff unless it's totally obvious someone else isn't gonna) and I'm more like my dad (a “type a” get-'er done, organizing, hyper-efficient, and sometimes totally exhausting kinda chick!).
My husband is the youngest of three boys. And sometimes I can see it – he's definitely the artistic one – which I think I read somewhere younger siblings can be… And his brothers pretty closely match their “stereotypes” as well. The oldest is the organized “stay near home look after mom” one, the middle one is more the party guy. But again, I think a lot of that is personality beyond birth order.
But yes – all that to say, it's something I've thought about a bit, and wondered on… So far, we just have the one child, so not a challenge for us yet.
Hi there,
I'm the oldest of two – and I fit the description of eldest to a “T” (though I've usually read articles that talk about at least sets of three kids). I was a bossy older sister. I “translated” for my younger brother, which ended up delaying his speech ('cause he didn't have to speak – I did it for him). I'm the “organized take care of stuff” sibling. But I think some of that is personality beyond who is oldest/youngest. My brother is more like my mom (a “type b” sorta fella – now don't get me wrong, he's a PhD, so there's no lack of ambition, he just doesn't see the need to do stuff unless it's totally obvious someone else isn't gonna) and I'm more like my dad (a “type a” get-'er done, organizing, hyper-efficient, and sometimes totally exhausting kinda chick!).
My husband is the youngest of three boys. And sometimes I can see it – he's definitely the artistic one – which I think I read somewhere younger siblings can be… And his brothers pretty closely match their “stereotypes” as well. The oldest is the organized “stay near home look after mom” one, the middle one is more the party guy. But again, I think a lot of that is personality beyond birth order.
But yes – all that to say, it's something I've thought about a bit, and wondered on… So far, we just have the one child, so not a challenge for us yet.
I am the oldest. I have some traits, but not all that many. I feel people are constantly looking for excuses to explain problems in their lives.
I love your suggestion for having dates with each child. I have been doing this with my not-yet-two-year-old. He LOVES it! The baby is constantly attached to me, so that's his date! Haha!
I am the oldest. I have some traits, but not all that many. I feel people are constantly looking for excuses to explain problems in their lives.
I love your suggestion for having dates with each child. I have been doing this with my not-yet-two-year-old. He LOVES it! The baby is constantly attached to me, so that's his date! Haha!
I think there's one other crucial element that comes into play when it comes to personality, and that's our ability to take responsibility for ourselves, and to take ownership of our actions.
Long ago, when my husband and I were new to our now 11-year marriage, I was sulking about something, and blaming my parents for it. He said, “You know, you're an adult now. If you can forget about all of that, and take responsibility for being an adult, you'll finally be able to call your own shots.”
Some of the wisest words I've ever heard. Our families and friends have large influence over us, sure, but it's ultimately up to us to decide who we are.
I think there's one other crucial element that comes into play when it comes to personality, and that's our ability to take responsibility for ourselves, and to take ownership of our actions.
Long ago, when my husband and I were new to our now 11-year marriage, I was sulking about something, and blaming my parents for it. He said, “You know, you're an adult now. If you can forget about all of that, and take responsibility for being an adult, you'll finally be able to call your own shots.”
Some of the wisest words I've ever heard. Our families and friends have large influence over us, sure, but it's ultimately up to us to decide who we are.
Hi Melissa, I'm sending you another award!
http://mommyspirit.blogspot.com/2010/09/sweet-blog-award.html
Happy weekend!
Hi Melissa, I'm sending you another award!
http://mommyspirit.blogspot.com/2010/09/sweet-blog-award.html
Happy weekend!
Great post Melissa! I guess I can't contribute to the birth order discussion because I am an only child. As for my kids, they are 5 1/2 years apart, so in some ways, they are both kind of like first borns. This whole subject just facinates me!
Great post Melissa! I guess I can't contribute to the birth order discussion because I am an only child. As for my kids, they are 5 1/2 years apart, so in some ways, they are both kind of like first borns. This whole subject just facinates me!
I couldn't agree more! One of my roommates in college & I were exactally the same. Middle of 3 girls with very similar spacing & we couldn't have been more different!!! I like your ideas to keep in mind. Oh, & I love that you are the middle of FIVE girls! I am sure you have plenty of stories!
I just popped over from Melinda's & I am so glad I did!
I couldn't agree more! One of my roommates in college & I were exactally the same. Middle of 3 girls with very similar spacing & we couldn't have been more different!!! I like your ideas to keep in mind. Oh, & I love that you are the middle of FIVE girls! I am sure you have plenty of stories!
I just popped over from Melinda's & I am so glad I did!
P.S.The follwer box isn't working tonight, but I will be back & I will try again!
P.S.The follwer box isn't working tonight, but I will be back & I will try again!
I'm an Only Child so I'm sure it'll say that I'm used to having my way and am rather bossy.
Which is pretty true..
I'm an Only Child so I'm sure it'll say that I'm used to having my way and am rather bossy.
Which is pretty true..
Newest follower, visiting from Melinda @ Confessions of an Imperfect Parent (I know, I'm late for the highlight but that's what real life does LOL).
I'm the eldest of 6, and although at times I admit I can be bossy, I am also a peacemaker when the need arises. This is a great post though and I'm really glad I popped in. I'll be coming back to read more of you for sure.
Newest follower, visiting from Melinda @ Confessions of an Imperfect Parent (I know, I'm late for the highlight but that's what real life does LOL).
I'm the eldest of 6, and although at times I admit I can be bossy, I am also a peacemaker when the need arises. This is a great post though and I'm really glad I popped in. I'll be coming back to read more of you for sure.
I love what you said about fairness…I have told my 2 many times that life really isn't fair, and they will not always be treated equally. It sucks for them sometimes, but they are over 4 years apart, one boy, one girl, and there just aren't that many things that can be “equal and fair” for both of them.
I love what you said about fairness…I have told my 2 many times that life really isn't fair, and they will not always be treated equally. It sucks for them sometimes, but they are over 4 years apart, one boy, one girl, and there just aren't that many things that can be “equal and fair” for both of them.
A couple of thoughts here:
1. I love the reference to Jan Brady. It makes me think of “Marsha, Marsha, Marsha!”
2. “There is no such thing as fair or equal when it comes to dealing with our children.” I love this. My children are as different as night and day, and they both have unique personalities and needs… so treating them “equal” is impossible for us… and probably not in their best interest.
At our preschool, we do seem to notice that birth order makes a difference. Nothing bad, nothing good…just different.
At our preschool, we do seem to notice that birth order makes a difference. Nothing bad, nothing good…just different.
I love this post. When my daughter was born, her 4-year old brother threw a camera at her head (thankfully, things have improved…most days). I vowed to have the same number of photo albums and journal entries about her and so far I've been pretty good. The biggest difference has been birthday parties – the oldest had celebrations worthy of royalty and the youngest has yet to have a party with 'guests' outside of her immediate family…
I love this post. When my daughter was born, her 4-year old brother threw a camera at her head (thankfully, things have improved…most days). I vowed to have the same number of photo albums and journal entries about her and so far I've been pretty good. The biggest difference has been birthday parties – the oldest had celebrations worthy of royalty and the youngest has yet to have a party with 'guests' outside of her immediate family…
My best friend is SO into the birth order thing & I've never been fully on board. I mean I know that is affects things, but I think there are so many variables & like you said, if you take time to spend one-on-one time with each kid & make them all feel special & important, then you're doing the best you can. I am a first born & I definitely fit some of the stereotypes. We want 3 kids, so I'll be interested to see how birth order affects things!
My best friend is SO into the birth order thing & I've never been fully on board. I mean I know that is affects things, but I think there are so many variables & like you said, if you take time to spend one-on-one time with each kid & make them all feel special & important, then you're doing the best you can. I am a first born & I definitely fit some of the stereotypes. We want 3 kids, so I'll be interested to see how birth order affects things!
I am an only child, and of course I am the center of the universe and everything revolves around me and my wants….okay….not exactly. But I am an only child.
My cousin is WAY into birth order. She diagnoses every single thing that people do according to it. Drives me a little nutty.
I am an only child, and of course I am the center of the universe and everything revolves around me and my wants….okay….not exactly. But I am an only child.
My cousin is WAY into birth order. She diagnoses every single thing that people do according to it. Drives me a little nutty.