Let me just paint you a sad little story about Little Sister and our misadventure at the pet store. This sad tale illustrates perfectly why Little Sister just may become a victim of The Second Child Syndrome. Bad parents…bad.
It all started innocent enough. In our attempts to get Big Brother to go poop in the proper place, we started a reward sticker chart. Once he had done the deed in the big boy potty he got a sticker on the chart. After seven stickers had been earned, he could choose the reward of his choice.
His choice happened to be a fish.
He had been asking for a fish for weeks, so we seized this opportunity. He was motivated and we were desperate. It worked. He earned his stickers and we dutifully held up our end of the bargain.
And…here’s where things start to unravel.
We all woke up one bright and shiny Saturday morning and we were on a mission…to Petco we go. Big Brother would be able to pick out the fish of his choice. We were all very excited…Mom, Dad, Big Brother and Little Sister.
Little Sister was two at the time and seemed very excited to “help” Big Brother pick out his prized pet fish. We all arrive, smiling, eager to see which fish would soon be gracing our counter tops.
Big Brother grabs one of those child size shopping carts and he’s off. We follow suit and he doesn’t waste any time. Fish, bowl, net, and food. Okay, easy, we’re done.
Meanwhile, none of us had noticed Little Sister doing the.exact.same.thing. She’s already at the checkout line with her fish eager to take him home.
This smart and determined little two year old stands there looking at the cashier waiting for the nice woman to ring up her fish. I rush over there, smile sweetly at the cashier and say “oh sorry, not that one, just this one” as I hand her Big Brother’s choice.
Seeing this in writing releases the rush of guilt all over again.
I distract Little Sister and pay for Big Brother’s new fish. I figured at two, she wouldn’t know the difference anyway. We were getting a fish after all. Finally, we start to make our way back to the car.
Halfway out the door, Little Sister stops, pulls on my hand looking back at the cashier and says: “No, my fish, my fish”. “It’s okay honey” I say. “We have our fish, let’s go home now”. Poor thing seems satisfied for the moment.
I’m a horrible mom. You’ll see.
We get in the car, Big Brother and Little Sister are successfully buckled in. Then, Little Sister: “My fish, my fish” as she grabs for Big Brother’s prized fish.
The tears are flowing now as she realizes she left her fish back at the store.
Both hubby and I are feeling really terrible and we look at each other not knowing what to do or say. I try to calm her by telling her it was Big Brother’s reward today but that she can help us set up the fish bowl and feed the fish when we get home.
Yeah, well try to reason with a devastated two year old who just left her fish at the store. Still, hubby and I didn’t want to diminish Big Brother’s reward by getting the same thing for Little Sister.
It was just wrong all the way around.
How did something so fun and positive turn into this big tearful mess?
Well, they say hindsight is 20/20 and boy is it ever. I don’t think Big Brother could have cared less if Little Sister got one too. Actually, he probably would have been thrilled not to have to share his fish.
Still, we kept on driving…right on home…Big Brother smiling and Little Sister crying.
Yup, she got the short end of the stick. Second Child Syndrome.
There were so many ways we could have avoided this fiasco. One of us could have stayed home with Little Sister while Big Brother enjoyed picking out his prize. I’m not a believer that everything has to be equal but she was only two.
The only thing she understood at that point was: Big Brother gets something special, I don’t.
Ugh…well what can you do? Unfortunately, this is just one of many examples that Little Sister sometimes gets lost in the shadows. Big Brother does everything first. He gets rewards for going poop in the potty, goes to Kindergarten first, loses his first tooth, and so on. Little Sister seeing all the hoopla surrounding each of these events, wants nothing more than to be just like Big Brother.
Bless her little heart…I saw her pulling at her front tooth the other morning at breakfast proclaiming “my tooth is loose…tooth fairy?”. It’s adorable and sad at the same time.
She may be the second child, but she’s our first and only Little Sister…and I’m determined to make sure she knows just how special she is.
I know I’m not the only one in this situation. So tell me, how do you make sure your second child feels special?
Awww, poor baby!! This whole birth order parenting stuff is hard…actually, parenting itself is just HARD.
Awww, poor baby!! This whole birth order parenting stuff is hard…actually, parenting itself is just HARD.
We are dealing with the opposite situation. Our second child was twins. They get a huge amount of attention. People tend to make a big deal out of them and she is left out. We are constantly striving to play up her role of getting everything first … but the constant emphasis on the twins' shared experience always seemed to shadow events for her.
To make matters worse, she is such a kind and happy personality that we watch her trying to hold back her disappointment when it's her big day and they get attention becasue of their status as “Twins”.
We are dealing with the opposite situation. Our second child was twins. They get a huge amount of attention. People tend to make a big deal out of them and she is left out. We are constantly striving to play up her role of getting everything first … but the constant emphasis on the twins' shared experience always seemed to shadow events for her.
To make matters worse, she is such a kind and happy personality that we watch her trying to hold back her disappointment when it's her big day and they get attention becasue of their status as “Twins”.
It was a hard call. I love how you broke down the events to see that it would have been okay to get two fish.
We have the same issues around our house…not that it helps much, but you just have to go with your gut on most of it. Tears are kind of the norm at our house right now…
We have the same issues around our house…not that it helps much, but you just have to go with your gut on most of it. Tears are kind of the norm at our house right now…
We deal with this all the time. Big brother gets everything new, first, etc. Little brother gets hand-me downs, gets to share, gets to wait, etc. It's hard. We do try to work in special time for both of them. They each have things that belong only to them.
Although when my second starting crying, saying that it wasn't fair that big brother was 8 and he was only 4, I thought maybe he was taking the whole thing a little too far.
We deal with this all the time. Big brother gets everything new, first, etc. Little brother gets hand-me downs, gets to share, gets to wait, etc. It's hard. We do try to work in special time for both of them. They each have things that belong only to them.
Although when my second starting crying, saying that it wasn't fair that big brother was 8 and he was only 4, I thought maybe he was taking the whole thing a little too far.
I only have one kid, so I don't have that issue. But I was a third child so I know it from your daughter's perspective. Mostly, I think kids are more oblivious than adults think. Your son wouldn't have cared felt slighted if she got one. She doesn't understand the whole “reward” scenario, and it's not like she's gonna not poop on the potty someday because she's already scammed the reward. But I totally do stuff like this all the time….think too much!
I only have one kid, so I don't have that issue. But I was a third child so I know it from your daughter's perspective. Mostly, I think kids are more oblivious than adults think. Your son wouldn't have cared felt slighted if she got one. She doesn't understand the whole “reward” scenario, and it's not like she's gonna not poop on the potty someday because she's already scammed the reward. But I totally do stuff like this all the time….think too much!
I think you are being really hard on yourself! I am the 2nd of three siblings and my parents never pretended to treat us all the same because that is just impossible.
Your daughter will be rewarded in the same way as your son eventually. In the meantime, I bet she doesn't even remember what happened!
I think you are being really hard on yourself! I am the 2nd of three siblings and my parents never pretended to treat us all the same because that is just impossible.
Your daughter will be rewarded in the same way as your son eventually. In the meantime, I bet she doesn't even remember what happened!
I have older son/younger daughter too, and you know what? She gets a lot more clothes, toys and girlie stuff. My son doesn't have tons of toys a nymore because he's 7 – he likes video games and skateboards. So while the fairness may seem out of whack now, I think it starts to even itself out. My daughter has an entire tub full of hair doodles, a closet full of dresses, and more shoes than I do. and she loves it.
Sometimes, too, we relax our rules for her and let her have things earlier than our son did. There are certain battles you don't want to fight.
I have older son/younger daughter too, and you know what? She gets a lot more clothes, toys and girlie stuff. My son doesn't have tons of toys a nymore because he's 7 – he likes video games and skateboards. So while the fairness may seem out of whack now, I think it starts to even itself out. My daughter has an entire tub full of hair doodles, a closet full of dresses, and more shoes than I do. and she loves it.
Sometimes, too, we relax our rules for her and let her have things earlier than our son did. There are certain battles you don't want to fight.
Oh Sweetie, my heart goes out to you, and all of us now. Mine are (almost) 3 and 16 months. Right now Mr. Man doesn't know or care what Sweetness gets/does, but your story reminds me that this will change. I remember my parents trying to be fair and my brother got to share my successes. I didn't feel as special. But there were times when I did get to share his and that was nice. I know trying to be fair all the time actually does harm as life isn't fair. I think it's through trial and error with our own kids and their temperaments we learn, like you did.
Oh Sweetie, my heart goes out to you, and all of us now. Mine are (almost) 3 and 16 months. Right now Mr. Man doesn't know or care what Sweetness gets/does, but your story reminds me that this will change. I remember my parents trying to be fair and my brother got to share my successes. I didn't feel as special. But there were times when I did get to share his and that was nice. I know trying to be fair all the time actually does harm as life isn't fair. I think it's through trial and error with our own kids and their temperaments we learn, like you did.
I only have one kid, so I can't tell you what I do. I do know that having a child with autism, I've gotten very good at “priming” her. This involves anticipating situations and preparing her in advance. For example, we went to the Disney Store last week to get her a backpack and lunch box for school. I know she wants every item in that store. I have to warn her in advance that we're only buy those two things–noting else! If she behaves, then she can have a right on the carousel afterward, etc. etc. In this case, you can have warned her that you were getting only one fish for brother for doing such a great job on the potty. However, I know you couldn't have anticipated this was going to happen–that's the rub. The next time you reward your older, you'll be more prepared.
Don't feel bad about just rewarding your son. Frankly, I think that's fine. In fact, your 2-year old girl might just be motivated to start using the potty herself soon! You can make it clear that she'll be able to win rewards when she's ready to start too!
Good luck!
I only have one kid, so I can't tell you what I do. I do know that having a child with autism, I've gotten very good at “priming” her. This involves anticipating situations and preparing her in advance. For example, we went to the Disney Store last week to get her a backpack and lunch box for school. I know she wants every item in that store. I have to warn her in advance that we're only buy those two things–noting else! If she behaves, then she can have a right on the carousel afterward, etc. etc. In this case, you can have warned her that you were getting only one fish for brother for doing such a great job on the potty. However, I know you couldn't have anticipated this was going to happen–that's the rub. The next time you reward your older, you'll be more prepared.
Don't feel bad about just rewarding your son. Frankly, I think that's fine. In fact, your 2-year old girl might just be motivated to start using the potty herself soon! You can make it clear that she'll be able to win rewards when she's ready to start too!
Good luck!
I think you might have been too hard on yourself. It is hard to see a two year old's tears, but clearly she wasn't scarred by not getting a fish. Sometimes the guilt we feel as parents can feel overwhelming.
I make a point to explain to my kids that they won't always get the same things. Sometimes one needs something and another does not. I think it's important for kids to understand that their lives won't always be equal with their siblings. Mine have learned that it may be their siblings turn to get something today, but next time it will be their turn.
I think you might have been too hard on yourself. It is hard to see a two year old's tears, but clearly she wasn't scarred by not getting a fish. Sometimes the guilt we feel as parents can feel overwhelming.
I make a point to explain to my kids that they won't always get the same things. Sometimes one needs something and another does not. I think it's important for kids to understand that their lives won't always be equal with their siblings. Mine have learned that it may be their siblings turn to get something today, but next time it will be their turn.
O, so sad! I feel the same way about my son sometimes… big sister gets more attention, gets to stay up later, etc.
As the youngest child myself, though, I don't feel too bad for him. My older siblings used to complain that I got “spoiled,” which was a little true. It may be hard now, but perhaps she'll find soon enough that being the youngest can also have its special advantages!
I'm the baby of the family. I always felt like the spotlight was on me! I think you just love your kids and it will all turn out in the end. Trying to add in something extra might actually mess it all up.
I think right now in the moment you are feeling the way you are, but you will see in time it will all even out. My older two kids are boy/girl and we had our share of moments like this but then there were also times when she got things that he didn't. It all works in the end :).
I think right now in the moment you are feeling the way you are, but you will see in time it will all even out. My older two kids are boy/girl and we had our share of moments like this but then there were also times when she got things that he didn't. It all works in the end :).
see, i was thinking more along the lines of now understanding why #1 is so mature and #2 gets everything too early. we expect #1 to understand and be tolerant and help and play nice and share because they are older. and then #2 gets privileges way earlier than #1 did simply because #2 is around and you can't not reward both kids.
see, i was thinking more along the lines of now understanding why #1 is so mature and #2 gets everything too early. we expect #1 to understand and be tolerant and help and play nice and share because they are older. and then #2 gets privileges way earlier than #1 did simply because #2 is around and you can't not reward both kids.
My second is only 4 months old, so right now our focus is more on making sure that our first still feels special. I try to take him places by himself sometimes so that he can have mommy time. I think that one thing that's really fun is to have 'date nights' where they get to go out by themselves with mommy or daddy.
My second is only 4 months old, so right now our focus is more on making sure that our first still feels special. I try to take him places by himself sometimes so that he can have mommy time. I think that one thing that's really fun is to have 'date nights' where they get to go out by themselves with mommy or daddy.
Oh my gosh this killed me! I am so sure that I want a bunch of kids…but sometimes I don't even think about stuff like this because I was an only child so you know us onlys have their own set of problems!~
Oh my gosh this killed me! I am so sure that I want a bunch of kids…but sometimes I don't even think about stuff like this because I was an only child so you know us onlys have their own set of problems!~
Oh the fish… and the tears… we have been there (although not this exact situation).
As far as making our second child feel special, Mike and I try to set aside separate “dates” with the kids and take them to dinner, for a walk, or whatever, one on one. It works great.
Well, I was just having some thoughts about this today on our car ride and it seems like the time when our second child gets the most attention and feels special is when the eldest takes a nap. Then our second child has us all to himself and he loves it. But most of the time, I feel bad because our eldest is quite an active and chattery child and we are so busy keeping him out of trouble that we don't pay as much attention to our second. I think I'll take some advice from the comments to see if we can do a better job.
Well, I was just having some thoughts about this today on our car ride and it seems like the time when our second child gets the most attention and feels special is when the eldest takes a nap. Then our second child has us all to himself and he loves it. But most of the time, I feel bad because our eldest is quite an active and chattery child and we are so busy keeping him out of trouble that we don't pay as much attention to our second. I think I'll take some advice from the comments to see if we can do a better job.
Unfortunately, I'm a sucker for the old saying, “You can't do one and not the other”. This rings true in my house. It keeps everyone happy. Even if the 2nd child only gets a little something compared to the 1st child, at least they are appeased without diminishing the glory from the 1st child. Great example of when this worked for me… going toy shopping with birthday $$ in tow from relatives. Child #1 gets to choose the gifts they want because it's their birthday. Child #2 will get $5 to buy something if they helped Mommy out at the party. It's only $5, plus they helped at the party. Everyone's happy.
augh … my heart is heavy after that one … especially because my very own 'lil sister in our house (the 3 1/2 year old) was also pulling her teeth last week, as a result of big sister loosing two in one week. What to do? What to do? I have no idea … I am certain that #2 will have #2 Syndrome – but I'm trying to give her her very own rewards and special moments (as many as the #1 child.) It's not always easy – but, as long as we are aware of it, we will try to even it out more. Then again, I remind myself that I was child #4!!!! I turned out ok. Oh, sorry, gotta run to my next therapy session. We're at therapy session 1,000 today, so my therapist is having a party for me! 😉 (kidding, of course!)
augh … my heart is heavy after that one … especially because my very own 'lil sister in our house (the 3 1/2 year old) was also pulling her teeth last week, as a result of big sister loosing two in one week. What to do? What to do? I have no idea … I am certain that #2 will have #2 Syndrome – but I'm trying to give her her very own rewards and special moments (as many as the #1 child.) It's not always easy – but, as long as we are aware of it, we will try to even it out more. Then again, I remind myself that I was child #4!!!! I turned out ok. Oh, sorry, gotta run to my next therapy session. We're at therapy session 1,000 today, so my therapist is having a party for me! 😉 (kidding, of course!)
Poor pumpkin. My second child is in the same boat. I swore I'd never let that happen, being a second child myself. But you're right–“first” experiences tend to eclipse everything.
But look at it this way–our first children are like test subjects. We use them to help us navigate parenthood, and sometimes they're better or worse for wear. By the time our second children come around, we're more relaxed and confident. We're pros,and they can sense that.
Don't worry about it, Melissa. You're doing great, and little sister will be fine. : )
Poor pumpkin. My second child is in the same boat. I swore I'd never let that happen, being a second child myself. But you're right–“first” experiences tend to eclipse everything.
But look at it this way–our first children are like test subjects. We use them to help us navigate parenthood, and sometimes they're better or worse for wear. By the time our second children come around, we're more relaxed and confident. We're pros,and they can sense that.
Don't worry about it, Melissa. You're doing great, and little sister will be fine. : )
we deal with this a little bit but not a lot. #1 is almost 4 and #2 is 19 months. he imitates everything she does and wants everything she has. i make him playdough out of oatmeal or paints our of berry puree because i know he'll eat the art supplies no matter what. he gets so pissed that he doesn't get the “real” deal and has quite the fit.
as for the specific scenario… i try to encourage and not praise the kids. i also don't offer rewards. this is hard to do but it keeps me out of a lot of trouble between the sibs and helps the kiddos find their own motivations. #1 is almost 4 and has caught on that her friends bargain for treats and presents for doing things that she does for 'free.' so now she wants to construct all manner of chore, potty, personal hygiene, behavior, etc charts. the best came from her friend the picky eater: “mama, i'm done eating. but i'll eat the rest of these peas so i can earn ice cream after dinner.”
we deal with this a little bit but not a lot. #1 is almost 4 and #2 is 19 months. he imitates everything she does and wants everything she has. i make him playdough out of oatmeal or paints our of berry puree because i know he'll eat the art supplies no matter what. he gets so pissed that he doesn't get the “real” deal and has quite the fit.
as for the specific scenario… i try to encourage and not praise the kids. i also don't offer rewards. this is hard to do but it keeps me out of a lot of trouble between the sibs and helps the kiddos find their own motivations. #1 is almost 4 and has caught on that her friends bargain for treats and presents for doing things that she does for 'free.' so now she wants to construct all manner of chore, potty, personal hygiene, behavior, etc charts. the best came from her friend the picky eater: “mama, i'm done eating. but i'll eat the rest of these peas so i can earn ice cream after dinner.”
The baby is too little thus far for a situation like that to come up so I've been reading the comments eagerly to see what people say!
I probably would have done the same thing as you. But like you said, it's always easier to look back and see another way you could have done things. Don't worry about it too much- there will be another opportunity soon enough to make up for it!
The baby is too little thus far for a situation like that to come up so I've been reading the comments eagerly to see what people say!
I probably would have done the same thing as you. But like you said, it's always easier to look back and see another way you could have done things. Don't worry about it too much- there will be another opportunity soon enough to make up for it!
Oh sweetie, you did just fine. I too am wondering if that might encourage her to get to potty training earlier. That's if she even remembers though. I'm so sorry for the heartache.
We're actually dealing with the other way around. #2 has never ever shown an ounce of issue with hand-me downs. I think he regards it as just having everything already at his fingertips. Why would he be sad when he has “inherited” a playroom FULL of cool big brother stuff?
My heart broke this past weekend though – with Youngest's PKU, as a family, we have a tendency of bowing out of birthday parties, dinners out, etc., at least until Youngest can fully understand the situation. Well, at Oldest's soccer party they had cupcakes. I double checked for the whole peanut thing, no issue, hey babes, it's cool, go have a cupcake.
“Not hungry mama.”
Then tears. We finally got out of him later that he didn't want to eat a cupcake in front of Youngest when he knew that his brother couldn't have one. And he finally got mad/sad about it. Took 4 1/2 years, but there it was, even though I could tell it's been brewing for a while. My heart broke. My thoughtful, sweet, loving, expected to always understand 7-year-old finally had enough.
I hate that he was in that place, especially since I put him there.
Sorry for the novel. On certain days, being a parent totally bites. Hugs.
Oh sweetie, you did just fine. I too am wondering if that might encourage her to get to potty training earlier. That's if she even remembers though. I'm so sorry for the heartache.
We're actually dealing with the other way around. #2 has never ever shown an ounce of issue with hand-me downs. I think he regards it as just having everything already at his fingertips. Why would he be sad when he has “inherited” a playroom FULL of cool big brother stuff?
My heart broke this past weekend though – with Youngest's PKU, as a family, we have a tendency of bowing out of birthday parties, dinners out, etc., at least until Youngest can fully understand the situation. Well, at Oldest's soccer party they had cupcakes. I double checked for the whole peanut thing, no issue, hey babes, it's cool, go have a cupcake.
“Not hungry mama.”
Then tears. We finally got out of him later that he didn't want to eat a cupcake in front of Youngest when he knew that his brother couldn't have one. And he finally got mad/sad about it. Took 4 1/2 years, but there it was, even though I could tell it's been brewing for a while. My heart broke. My thoughtful, sweet, loving, expected to always understand 7-year-old finally had enough.
I hate that he was in that place, especially since I put him there.
Sorry for the novel. On certain days, being a parent totally bites. Hugs.
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Great post! We just give the little one everything too. As you said, the older doesn't really care, in fact, it is better if they don't have to share anything…EVER! Our reward for poop is fireworks (funny how different things work for different kids!) and I always let my older one pick out 2 fireworks from “the special bag” to do and let the little one pick out one.
So he has a different kind of second child syndrome, it's called being a BRAT!
Great post! We just give the little one everything too. As you said, the older doesn't really care, in fact, it is better if they don't have to share anything…EVER! Our reward for poop is fireworks (funny how different things work for different kids!) and I always let my older one pick out 2 fireworks from “the special bag” to do and let the little one pick out one.
So he has a different kind of second child syndrome, it's called being a BRAT!
It'll never be equal. My 1st two are 21 months apart and so have similar interests – and wants. But sometimes one gets something the other doesn't, a special reward or whatever, and there are tears. But I believe it all evens out. #2 is our only girl – and the middle child – and she knows how special she is.
It'll never be equal. My 1st two are 21 months apart and so have similar interests – and wants. But sometimes one gets something the other doesn't, a special reward or whatever, and there are tears. But I believe it all evens out. #2 is our only girl – and the middle child – and she knows how special she is.
This is hard! Honestly, I think the easiest way just happened because my first started school today! I don't always know how to do it. :/
This is hard! Honestly, I think the easiest way just happened because my first started school today! I don't always know how to do it. :/
What a story! I worry about doing the same thing in the not-so-distant future. My little guy is 3 months and big brother is 23 months.
I was the big sister growing up and although I got to do many things first, my brother got to do even more. Since he was a boy, he got to stay home alone overnight first (high school). When I'd come home from college and my parents would be gone, my grandma would come to stay with me. I felt shafted (though I loved spending time with grandma). Basically, I don't think there's any way around unfairness one way or the other! You aren't bad parents!
What a story! I worry about doing the same thing in the not-so-distant future. My little guy is 3 months and big brother is 23 months.
I was the big sister growing up and although I got to do many things first, my brother got to do even more. Since he was a boy, he got to stay home alone overnight first (high school). When I'd come home from college and my parents would be gone, my grandma would come to stay with me. I felt shafted (though I loved spending time with grandma). Basically, I don't think there's any way around unfairness one way or the other! You aren't bad parents!
Go easy on yourself Mom! She will not remember this as you do!
This is really the beginning of the journey. I have a 17 yr old and a 12 yr old and there is a constant balancing act going on here. Just one example; my oldest got a cell phone when she entered middle school and she assumed the youngest would do the same. With a ton of activities on the schedule, we decided to give him a cell phone (6 months early). Yikes…not pretty…I'm just sayin'.
I know being the great mom that you are, you are already showing Little Sister (and Big Brother for that matter) how special they are in their own ways!
Go easy on yourself Mom! She will not remember this as you do!
This is really the beginning of the journey. I have a 17 yr old and a 12 yr old and there is a constant balancing act going on here. Just one example; my oldest got a cell phone when she entered middle school and she assumed the youngest would do the same. With a ton of activities on the schedule, we decided to give him a cell phone (6 months early). Yikes…not pretty…I'm just sayin'.
I know being the great mom that you are, you are already showing Little Sister (and Big Brother for that matter) how special they are in their own ways!
OMG I am going through this too! I am always yelling at my older son and realize its not always his fault. Then I think about how I never get one on one time with my almost 2 yr old. I feel like I can never win. The other night I was actually crying to my hubby about how I feel like I dont know how to divide my time evenly…I guess we all go through it!
OMG I am going through this too! I am always yelling at my older son and realize its not always his fault. Then I think about how I never get one on one time with my almost 2 yr old. I feel like I can never win. The other night I was actually crying to my hubby about how I feel like I dont know how to divide my time evenly…I guess we all go through it!
Hi Melissa,
Leave your guilt at the door! When big brother isn't around sometime take little sister out for a mom and me day. The fish was for his potty day. She'll have a day, too. It's a hard lesson in life but having a sibling is a gift. You learn life's hard little lessons at a young age. Instant gratification isn't a good thing and is running rampant in our culture. She earn her fish, too. You did the right thing!
Hi Melissa,
Leave your guilt at the door! When big brother isn't around sometime take little sister out for a mom and me day. The fish was for his potty day. She'll have a day, too. It's a hard lesson in life but having a sibling is a gift. You learn life's hard little lessons at a young age. Instant gratification isn't a good thing and is running rampant in our culture. She earn her fish, too. You did the right thing!
This story brings back memories… I really struggled with these kind of scenarios when the kids were younger. One thing I did on the kids' birthdays was I would get the other child (whose birthday it wasn't) a very small gift. This was helpful, especially, when my younger child was too young to understand the whole concept of birthdays and wanted to “help” his sister open her gifts, which made her cry. When he had something of his own to play with, it seemed to distract him and keep him content. Then the tradition continued for a number of years b/c both kids liked it so much. They enjoyed knowing they'd be getting a little something on the other one's bday. ;0)
This story brings back memories… I really struggled with these kind of scenarios when the kids were younger. One thing I did on the kids' birthdays was I would get the other child (whose birthday it wasn't) a very small gift. This was helpful, especially, when my younger child was too young to understand the whole concept of birthdays and wanted to “help” his sister open her gifts, which made her cry. When he had something of his own to play with, it seemed to distract him and keep him content. Then the tradition continued for a number of years b/c both kids liked it so much. They enjoyed knowing they'd be getting a little something on the other one's bday. ;0)
Oh, I can't stand mommy guilt. Yes, hindsight is 20/20, but I still don't think you made a horrible mistake. Maybe you can come up with a special reward for her and give her a chance to pick out something nice as a reward. She doesn't always have to be “second fiddle.” You can have a special mommy and me day just for her (as so many of your other great readers have suggested). One thing I can say is she's one bright child…my Lil' Lewie wouldn't know anything about picking out a fish even if he was watching someone else do it…
Oh, I can't stand mommy guilt. Yes, hindsight is 20/20, but I still don't think you made a horrible mistake. Maybe you can come up with a special reward for her and give her a chance to pick out something nice as a reward. She doesn't always have to be “second fiddle.” You can have a special mommy and me day just for her (as so many of your other great readers have suggested). One thing I can say is she's one bright child…my Lil' Lewie wouldn't know anything about picking out a fish even if he was watching someone else do it…
Don't be so hard on yourself! We all do it. We do the following – if it is big bro's bday, she gets a little something special (it may only be stickers or a temp tattoo (oh, yeah, I raise 'em right) or something simple like that) – we did this a few days ago. I also try to give her time with just the two of us when I can.
I think it also helps to find things that only they are into, so they can have it to themselves. For example, when my daughter isn't painting with toothpaste, she gets horse riding lessons. My son would like to try it, but he is learning to shoot a bow. That's his thing and she has hers.
Go easy on yourself – I say as I feel guilty myself!! LOL
Don't be so hard on yourself! We all do it. We do the following – if it is big bro's bday, she gets a little something special (it may only be stickers or a temp tattoo (oh, yeah, I raise 'em right) or something simple like that) – we did this a few days ago. I also try to give her time with just the two of us when I can.
I think it also helps to find things that only they are into, so they can have it to themselves. For example, when my daughter isn't painting with toothpaste, she gets horse riding lessons. My son would like to try it, but he is learning to shoot a bow. That's his thing and she has hers.
Go easy on yourself – I say as I feel guilty myself!! LOL
It's okay, we're all guilty.
I try to praise my second child as often as I did with my first even though I've gone through it before.
It's okay, we're all guilty.
I try to praise my second child as often as I did with my first even though I've gone through it before.
As a first-born I can say… toughen up kiddo!
No, not literally. I know she was only two! (That *would* have been hard… poor mommy.) But really, I watched my little brother have SO many more privileges than me because my parents weren't as strict with him, knew what they were doing a little more, etc. So, I suppose as hard as it is… it will even out in time. You're doing the right thing – trying your best! What else can kids ask for than parents that love them, care for them, and always *try* to do the right thing by them? Even if we do screw up sometimes… It's so obvious that you're a great mom!!
Birth order. I know I take advantage of my middle child's gentle nature.
Guilty. guilty. guilty.
Welcome to the club of motherhood.
Birth order. I know I take advantage of my middle child's gentle nature.
Guilty. guilty. guilty.
Welcome to the club of motherhood.
As sad as this was, and as guilty as you felt, I bet there are times that being the little one has rocked her face off! I'm sure she's gotten her way with big brother before because “she's the youngest.” It all balances out.
Don't beat yourself up, we're all just figuring out this parenting thing. Everyday!
As sad as this was, and as guilty as you felt, I bet there are times that being the little one has rocked her face off! I'm sure she's gotten her way with big brother before because “she's the youngest.” It all balances out.
Don't beat yourself up, we're all just figuring out this parenting thing. Everyday!
Oh, this is classic! It makes me feel so much better to see that other moms have these things happen, and the kids still lived! My hubs and I were both the oldest in our families, so I think we can relate best to our oldest (the son). Our daughter is much more easy-going, but gets seriously bummed when she sees that the 16 year old can do things she can't.
Oh, this is classic! It makes me feel so much better to see that other moms have these things happen, and the kids still lived! My hubs and I were both the oldest in our families, so I think we can relate best to our oldest (the son). Our daughter is much more easy-going, but gets seriously bummed when she sees that the 16 year old can do things she can't.
My kids are 8 years apart (16 yr.old boy/8yr old girl who wants to be just like Big Brother), both of them act like an only/oldest — except for when they notice me spending more money on the other for whatever reason. We like going to the Vans Outlet and that is ALWAYS a battle (two kids who are shoe addicts!).
For now they both have learned to accept “I only make so much and right now [insert child's name] needs this more than you do.”
I always figured it is a parent's job to teach kids that life isn't fair. Otherwise, we set our kids up for failure in the real world.
My kids are 8 years apart (16 yr.old boy/8yr old girl who wants to be just like Big Brother), both of them act like an only/oldest — except for when they notice me spending more money on the other for whatever reason. We like going to the Vans Outlet and that is ALWAYS a battle (two kids who are shoe addicts!).
For now they both have learned to accept “I only make so much and right now [insert child's name] needs this more than you do.”
I always figured it is a parent's job to teach kids that life isn't fair. Otherwise, we set our kids up for failure in the real world.
I completely hear you about how Big Brother gets to do everything first and has more activities scheduled around what he wants or needs. I recall that distinctly when my kids were little. We'd choose an activity like gymnastics or swimming or whatever that was what my oldest wanted to do, and the younger one just came along too.
But now that my kids are older, I find the opposite is often true. The older one is off at soccer or school or whatever, and the younger one has more one-on-one time with mommy. On outings, the younger one gets slightly special treatment, because she's younger and cannot walk as far, or because she really *cares* about driving the shopping cart while the older one isn't as insistent, and so on.
So my perspective is that over time it really does all even out.
And this is what I always try to keep in my heart:
“She may be the second child, but she's our first and only Little Sister…and I'm determined to make sure she knows just how special she is.”
I completely hear you about how Big Brother gets to do everything first and has more activities scheduled around what he wants or needs. I recall that distinctly when my kids were little. We'd choose an activity like gymnastics or swimming or whatever that was what my oldest wanted to do, and the younger one just came along too.
But now that my kids are older, I find the opposite is often true. The older one is off at soccer or school or whatever, and the younger one has more one-on-one time with mommy. On outings, the younger one gets slightly special treatment, because she's younger and cannot walk as far, or because she really *cares* about driving the shopping cart while the older one isn't as insistent, and so on.
So my perspective is that over time it really does all even out.
And this is what I always try to keep in my heart:
“She may be the second child, but she's our first and only Little Sister…and I'm determined to make sure she knows just how special she is.”