I really want my kids to get along. I really do. So it’s no wonder their constant lodging of complaints against each other over Thanksgiving break had me a little distressed. I realize sibling rivalry is a fact of life. It happens. They are learning how to get along, how to negotiate, and how to have empathy for each other.
But honestly, sometimes, it is just downright painful to hear and witness.
The tears, the teasing, and the cries of “no fair” can wear on any parent. I realized I was again doing too much intervening. My referee hat was on overtime and I definitely needed to change things up.
Luckily we were all in store for a change of scenery as we headed off to Grandma and Grandpa’s house. Big Brother and Little Sister had the opportunity to spend time with and play with their cousins. They were ecstatic and this time, I paid close attention to their interactions to see if I could gain some insight into their own burgeoning relationship.
The paper airplane fight that ensued one day got me thinking about sibling relationships. There they were, the cousins five. The two boys and three girls were working together on their respective teams. The boys furiously folding those pieces of paper into fast flying paper airplanes. The girls had the same mission. Giggling, working together, and handing papers to the oldest so she could craft their own victorious planes.
We loved watching them. Getting along, working together because they were preparing for The Great Paper Airplane Fight. There were no arguments, no tug of war over the paper airplanes, and no one was crying “no fair”. What they were doing was cooperating and helping each other. They each had a common enemy, the boys against the girls and vice versa.
We knew it was only a matter of time before the first casualty of war…a paper airplane to the eye. However, we sat and marveled at their organization and chain of command. Everyone seemed to know their job and was happy to do it for their team.
They had a blast and yes there was one slight casualty. Luckily a medic was nearby and ready to hand out a kiss or two, along with a gentle reminder to not aim for the face please.
Amid the laughter and squeals with each paper airplane that took flight, I was reminded of a particular tactic I had heard about dealing with sibling rivalry: let them have a common enemy…you. I didn’t necessarily appreciate this idea when I first heard it. I mean, I don’t want to be my kids’ enemy. I don’t want them scheming, planning, and complaining about me behind my back. Or…do I?
Now having been witness to The Great Paper Airplane Fight, I can see the value in allowing them some opportunities to work together against some obstacle. Sure, that obstacle may be my husband and me at times but I (think) we could handle that. After all, this is bound to happen anyway…might as well have something good come of it.
So, once again I am going to try to be mindful not to jump into my referee role. Not only will I encourage them to work squabbles out on their own but I will remember this Great Paper Airplane Fight and perhaps take that toy train away until they can decide amongst themselves whose turn it was.
I don’t expect this tactic to be a cure all. Nor do I expect to apply this tactic to every situation. Sibling relationships are intricate and ever changing, this is merely one way to approach a particular situation. I wrote about other ways to handle sibling rivalry in this post.
We are just taking it one day at a time and with baby steps. Steps, I hope, that lead to more peaceful days. Days where Big Brother and Little Sister do more problem solving than crying. Heck, I may just suggest another paper airplane fight, Big Brother and Little Sister against Mom and Dad…now that’s bound to be one for the history books.
Do you let your children work out their own squabbles? Do you think it’s true to some extent that siblings will bond by seeing you as the common enemy so to speak?
I definitely remind them when it is a small squabble to work it out between you two- if someone wronged the other, tell them to apologize because they did XYZ, it works for the small stuff, because they seem pacified by the "control". But man, the "it is mine and I want it biting phase" was no fun.
i try to remember to let them work things out…but sometimes the stress gets to me and i just can't listen to "the process" for one more second! especially over extended holidays like thanksgiving. but i'm working on that
i want them to learn how to problem solve, but i also realize that i have to TEACH them how to problem solve. at 5 and 3 (and 1) they don't have those tools on their own. my problem is that once i teach them, i need to step back and let them do it.
my other thing (and i can't remember if i read it on here or somewhere else….) is that i have to remember their ages. i hear myself going, "wny can't you do that?? or why did you do that??" and the answer should always be, "because i'm three" or "because i'm five".
i'm learning 😉
Good point Alison about doing what is age appropriate. My children are 5 and 3 too and I know it's just a fact of life right now that I have to intervene more often to "remind" them how to treat each other and solve squabbles.
So true…at these ages a lot of it is simply because they are "only three" and still learning.
And @Michele…I agree this part of parenting is no fun!
I have explained over and over again that they are going to be friends and maintain their relationship longer than any other relationship in their lives (most likely and God willing). I remind them of this when one is not nice to the other. Siblings are supposed to have the other's back, right?! Especially twins.
So, we talk a lot about their relationship and friendship and all that comes with it. When they are arguing over something silly I often say something in the background like "is this really worth the damage it is doing to your friendship?"
They are 7 now and this has just started to take shape and seem effective (though I've been doing it for years). They still argue and fight and compete. That has not stopped, but their ability to come back together and forgive quickly is improving.
Stepping back is so tough sometimes.
I really try to let the kids work things out amongst themselves, but it's difficult, especially with a wide age spread. At 13, my oldest is very clever and can easily outmaneuver the 8 and 5 year olds.
It sounds like you're doing great! I think stepping back entirely is hard with kids that age. What you have to try to do is teach them to talk to each other to solve their problems. So, while you're still involved, you're helping them build the problem-solving skills for the future!
i do think that kids finding a resolution (or at least attempting to) is a good skill to learn. for us, the girls' personalities are so different that it's really kate who goes bananas, and maddie doesn't care less. so we talk with kate about staying calm and problem solving and just going to play with something else for a few minutes, etc.
I'm not very effective at avoiding the sibling rivalry (especially when I'm ignoring them, hunched over the computer). However, in an ideal world, I think the parent wouldn't be the common enemy, they would just have some common constructive goal to work on together. Doesn't it seem that way?
I rarely get this off the ground though.
I haven't had to face this yet, but I am sure someday I will and it is not something I look forward to because I so want my kids to be best friends from the start. But, I suppose even my best friend and I fight/disagree sometimes and I couldn't ask for a better friend!
I do agree! Letting them work things out is really hard sometimes, but it's oh-so-valuable. Building blocks for the future, both inside and outside the family.
And yes, a little competition is good for any family! Seeing them unite makes it worth it. Great post, Dr. Mom!!
There's a great book out there called Siblings Without Rivalry by Elaine Mazlish. I highly recommend it. I've also heard that siblings have great relationships with other people because they have worked out the kinks esp. the sharing ones. We see this all the time at preschool…in fact I wrote a blog post about it: http://bit.ly/e9S2hH
I try to not interfere too much, I really do. That being said, I have to intervene before someone gets hurt. Having two ADHD kiddos, things tend to escalate very quickly. Thanks for the reminder to step back when I can.
One way to help your kids work things out for themselves is to get them the Pocket Referee.
It's an award winning conflict resolution tool for kids. Kids LOVE using it and, let's face it, it's just as beneficial to parents.
Check out the website at http://www.thepocketreferee.com and watch the short video.
I try to let them work it out on their own. It doesnt always happen though.
That's a cool occupation for the cousins. Our count is two girls and one boy so our teams are too lopsided and our Thanksgiving interaction quite painful. Sigh.
Hmmm…paper airplane fight…now that's a good idea! I am really bad at not letting the boys work out their own fights. I'm actually trying to get better at it, but it's so hard!
Interesting thought about the common enemy. We kind of have that in our house, although unintentionally. Dad is usually good cop to my bad cop. I hate being bad cop.
Melissa, we must have had the same Thanksgiving. There was so much sibling rivalry going on — and we were trapped with them in the car, five hours each way to my sister's house!
I also happened to read a book over Thanksgiving break called "Have a New Kid by Friday" by Dr. Leman that gave some great insight into the whole issue of sibling rivalry (at least I thought so!) I've been the referee for too many years. He says to put them in a room and tell them they can't come out until they've resolved it. I know that probably doesn't work well with very small kids, but for older kids, I think it could work wonders. Another thing I'm doing is with chores. I just started this this week, so I'll keep you posted. But Dr. Leman suggests that you give your child chores to do on certain days. If they don't do it, you give the opportunity for the sibling to do their chore and then give the sibling a portion of their brother or sister's allowance. This is a way to use sibling rivalry in a postive way. I know my kids will flip if the other is getting some of THEIR money! ;0) Just thought I'd pass on what I've been learning this week. I haven't had enough time to put them into practice yet, but I know MY way hasn't been working! ;0)
Glad no one lost an eye!
P.S. I chose you for the Stylish Blogger Award! To see what to do next, go to: http://thepinkpuppydog.blogspot.com/2010/11/yay-me-i-won-award.html
My girls have certainly bonded together against me:) Well, not necessarily against me but for one another.They cover each others butts @ 3 and 5. The ten years will be hell on me BUT they have a built in best friend and a sister bond that is unbreakable!Awesome!
I think having a paper airplane fight–the kiddos against the parents–is a great idea. In fact, I think creating any type of game situation where they have to work together to beat you guys is really a win-win. What a great idea to encourage bonding!
I think you can only decide if you watch. That it can't be always this way or that.
If it ever borders on bullying, I'm there…otherwise, they'll have to learn for the future workplace.
In other words: no hard rule. Except for bullying. BIG no no, HUGE.