This mission should have taken ten minutes max. I had a free hour to knock out some Christmas shopping and on my shopping list was a doll for my daughter, one she could use for her dollhouse. There I was, at Target, enthusiastic and ready to pick out a cute doll for her.
I found the aisle I was looking for, or so I thought, and stood there examining the potential gifts. After briefly scanning those doll filled shelves, my enthusiasm was quickly deflated. I paced the aisle, eyeing the dolls on display and wondered…where exactly are the dolls that would be appropriate for my three year old?
All I saw were dolls that looked like women, not girls. Dolls scantily clad, full face of make up, and donning knee high boots. Really? These are my choices here? Barbie was not the only culprit. The other fashion dolls seemed to follow suit and Barbie was actually much more mild than some of the others.
Suddenly, my ten minute excursion here was turning into a 30 minute contemplation of what am I doing here in this aisle, and why, oh why am I still here? I started thinking about my daughter and the toys I was picking out for her. I started thinking about how, in my right mind, could I put one of those Barbies in my shopping cart and gift it to my daughter?
Then I felt silly. Silly for over thinking a toy. After all, this is exactly what Barbie is…a toy. I started ridiculing myself in my head. What’s my problem? So what? Doesn’t every little girl want and have a Barbie doll? Perhaps they (children) don’t even see it the way I do, as a mother.
Because as a mother, what I see is a grossly misconstrued idea of beauty. I wonder what message I might send my daughter should this be one of her presents under the tree. I wonder while eyeing all those inappropriately dressed dolls with perfectly chiseled features, what effect this doll could have on my daughter’s self -esteem.
And then…again, I kind of laugh at myself. I’m confused. I’ve certainly been known to over think things and yet I can’t bring myself to make a decision. I hold and inspect Sporty Barbie, then put it back. I check out Glam Barbie, then put her back too.
Surely, my daughter’s self esteem does not hinge on whether or not a Barbie is under the tree this year.
But I just stood there, in that aisle at Target, utterly confused.
Thoughts about what I do want my daughter to know about beauty fills my head. I want her to know that beauty comes in all shapes, sizes, and colors. I want her to know that beauty has nothing to do with make up, inappropriate clothing, or the latest sky high boots. The message of beauty I hope to send to my daughter? It is nowhere to be found here, in this aisle full of dolls.
Again, I hear snickers in my own head because for goodness sake…these are toys. I keep trying to be rational, knowing full well it is my job to nurture and support a healthy self esteem in my daughter. It is my husband’s and my job to teach and model what true beauty really means.
I’m paralyzed, right there by my own indecision and confusion.
Then out of the corner of my eye, I see her. A flood of relief washes over me. Surely she is misplaced here but I am so happy to see her. I scoop her up immediately and stare at her in all here adorable little girlness. It is Dora. No make up, no baring of the midriff, and her cute button nose clinches it.
Right now, right here, Dora is speaking my language. Into my cart she goes without a second thought. For the last 30 minutes I had been propelled into the tween and teen years while shopping for my three year old daughter. No wonder I was confused, I was clearly in the wrong aisle.
Who knows, next year may very well be a Barbie Christmas and by then maybe I won’t be so confused. However, for this Christmas, for my three year old daughter? I completely heart Dora.
Have you ever thought twice about a toy for your child because you feared it would send the wrong message?
I was wondering! Here there are aisles and aisles of baby doll stuff. Coralie is the best and cutest – not at all inappropriate. Relieved to know there are other choices.
By the way, I so love that picture of you with your coffee and kids.
Tough one! DD wants a dollhouse for Christmas, and not the Little People type, and I am worried about buying her one and only having Barbie type dolls for it. I don't have a huge problem with her having Barbies, but she is still so little (almost 3). I'll be on the lookout for Dora!
I completely understand your hesitation! These dolls may be "just" toys but they do create an image in our children's heads of what is acceptable and what they should aspire to. Playing with dolls is in essence, a role playing game and it makes me cringe when I think of how most dolls look these days.
I grew up with Barbie's and I can't think of any horrible parts of my personality that can be blamed on her. Little girls like things that are pretty. Some Barbie's walk a fine line that sometimes leans closer to looking like a prostitute, but in the heart of a 5-year-old, it's all just that gaudy fancy prettiness they so adore. I really think it's harmless.
It's not about the toy itself, but about the message. It's a collective message that comes from TV, magazines, classmates, toys, people on the street. One doll alone cannot change how a girl thinks about herself, but hearing the message from multiple sources surely can. I am all for picking out toys carefully. I know my children are getting messages I don't want them to get. The older they become, the more exposed they are. And, while that is a natural part of growing up, I'm happy to send a consistent message from home. Your daughter is lucky to have you as a mom, and Dora sounds like the perfect doll for that dollhouse.
First off, thanks for the fabulous interview! I loved participating! I'm personally conflicted about Barbie–just as you are. I think girls see her as a doll. I don't think they automatically feel that she's some standard they have to live up to. Nevertheless, she looks pretty ridiculous. My daughter is now into Barbie movies. They're poorly animated stories. The one we have is adapted story of The Three Muskateers, where Barbie and three other hot babes push reality aside and kick you know what to prove that they can be female muskateers in France in the 1800s. They fight while wearing ball gowns and high heels. How they don't keep falling over from the size of their racks, I have no idea. I do have a hard time watching that movie with a straight face. When I do start laughing, my daughter gets angry with me! LOL
That aside, I don't think Barbie is a good choice for a 3 year old. Dora is much better! Bratz aren't good for kids at any age. Ugh!
I'm very picky about toys. We warned all family members not to give Barbies until our oldest girl was at least 5. She is 8 now, and Barbie is already passe. She is now into American Girls dolls, which I heart because each one has their own line of accompanying books.
we just entered the world of barbie for the first time and it's only because they are getting a dollhouse for christmas (which fits that size of doll).
i totally forsee these types of challenges and decisions going forward, especially with having 2 girls in the house.
you-me-overthinking twins! phew i'm glad that there are two of us! it *is* confusing- all of it: the messages. the intention. wondering what to worry about if anything at all.
i used to be a barbie nay sayer. that was before my girls got 22 (!) of them from friends and family throughout the yrs. i see myself openly talking about body images, etc with them later on. but not keeping the dolls away from them. i guess i want to be the one they hear all of that "stuff" from, you know?
really interesting & well done post!
Barbie is definitely not correctly proportionated aka anorexic. And there are other dolls that portray the wrong message in other ways. I'm not saying I'll never buy Kaia a Barbie but I will definitely think long and hard about any toy.
I don't know, I had Barbies when I was little and I don't think they much shaped my body image, because at the age when I was still playing with them I wasn't all too conscious of a body image. Most of my opinions were based on my parents' opinions. My Mom never made Barbie into a big deal, so she wasn't. Also, I remember having more fun dressing her in the big poofy princess dresses than mini skirts and go-go boots…
I started going through the whole indecision bit about toys with my son concerning fake guns and swords and then I thought, they're just toys to him, he doesn't read into his toys the same messages we do as adults. Cops and robbers have guns, pirates have swords and I have my doubts whether a little girl is worrying about the size of Barbies' boobs. Though Dora, totally cool, I mean she's an explorer!
I so agree! It's a good thing their are multiple choices. Just wait til they hit the years somewhere between tween and still half lil girl when it comes time to buy Halloween costumes. Thats a whole other issue…eeeek! What happened to the innocent toys we grew up playing with? Actually there is this really great site that I just remembered while typing this. Back to Basics toys here is the link just in case you haven't heard of them~
http://www.backtobasicstoys.com/
That's what I will be doing this weekend, toy shopping for a toddler. Happy Shopping Sis!
XO
Agreed! And, added for our shopping pleasure is the issue of finding a doll that has beautiful "beige" skin, just like my daughter's biracial tone. Or dark brown skin, for the smallest one to enjoy.
In addition to the body image issue, and the age appropriate-ness issue, I want my girls to see beauty like theirs represented (if not on the store shelves to a large degree, at least in our home!)
Oh my, Melissa! I have had this same experience and disgust myself! My daughter is 14 now, but I certainly remember feeling this way. Plus, as MJ said, I've had the same angst about buying Halloween costumes over the past couple of years.
When she was younger, I wouldn't buy Bratz and the rest of the choices weren't much better. Maybe if moms stop buying them, they'll start giving us better choices! I support your Dora purchase all the way! ;0)
Wonerful!
I bet you would like the Waldorf dolls, too. I know someone who makes dolls of a similar style by hand. They'r wonderful and come with lots of little hand made accessories.
sometimes im glad i dont have to have that moment in the store that you just described (well, yet, at least, who knows, maybe there are girls in our family's future)… sometimes im horrified at the sight of those dolls, and barbies are not the worst, i think bratz dolls are absolutely horrific…
that being said, i am going through a toy dilemma, my MIL told us she bought my son a laptop… not a real one of course, but it has a screen and he can play games on it.
i am very concerned about my 21 m old playing with a toy like that, so it will probably go back to the store, even if my family gets upset. i think toys should inspire and nurture, help children create a magical world full of possibilities. i dislike toys that have everything thought out for you, just push the button.
yes, they ARE just toys, but for a toddler or preschooler they are one of the most important tools of learning about the world around them, of finding their place in their environment.
I felt the same way, and the first dolls my daughter had were Groovy Girls, which are almost like stuffed animals! We did Polly Pockets next…still steering clear of good-old Barbie (who was fine for me, but we were older!!).
Finally at some point, someone gave her a whole stash of used Barbies, and you know what? She's even mentioned how silly it is that Barbie doesn't look real.
Whew!
Dora is wonderful! My neice absolutely loves her so I am sure you daughter will too!
This, my friend, is why I sometimes think, "Oh, wow…thank goodness I don't have a girl!" The worst culprits? The Bratz dolls!
[…] Barbie Written on May 2, 2011 by Melissa in parenting girls It was not long ago that I stood, confused, in the toy aisle of Target searching for a doll for my three year old daughter. I considered […]