A couple of years ago when first introducing my son to the concept of strangers, it seemed simple enough.
A stranger is someone you don’t know. You should not talk to strangers unless mom or dad is with you. You should never go anywhere with a stranger, no matter what.
Now, the concept of strangers is getting murky. I thought this topic would get easier to broach once my kids got older, instead, I find myself saying and doing contradictory things. I feel like I’m giving my children mixed messages and I find it more and more difficult to give my children absolutes when it comes to stranger safety.
Unfortunately, there are so many different scenarios my now kindergartner finds himself in. From teachers, to coaches, to librarians, nurses, and other friend’s parents; he encounters so-called strangers on a daily basis. How do I help him remember the safety rules without living in fear?
I certainly want my son to have a healthy dose of fear, if there is such a thing. However, I also want him to remain his happy, friendly, and confident self. Right now, he will go up to just about anyone and start chatting away about his guinea pig, his trucks, or the weather. He’s a friendly kid and I love that about him.
But, as a mom, I always have that nagging feeling in the pit of my stomach…what if? What if he finds himself alone and lost one day…what would happen? Would I be blessed with the kindness of a stranger, or would I be happy I instilled in him the importance of stranger safety?
Do I prepare for the worst but hope for the best?
And by doing so, would I instill fear in him that would trump his self confidence and feelings of security? I don’t want my children thinking the world is a scary place that they need to be protected from. On the other hand, I do want them to be cognisant of potential dangers.
It’s a fine line to tread, and at this point, we’re doing the best we can.
Recently, we were on a family trip to San Francisco. We rode the cable cars, and if you’ve been to SF and tried to get on the cable cars, you’ll know that most likely, it’s standing room only. This particular cold and drizzly night was no different. I had our three year old daughter in my arms and my husband had our 5 year old son by the hand. We huddled into the cable car and held on for dear life.
Sitting directly in front of where we stood, was an elderly couple. The husband immediately stood up and motioned for me and my daughter to sit down. I was incredibly grateful for his kindness. We didn’t even speak the same language, but that didn’t matter. He was a kind stranger.
Then his wife, now sitting next to me, motioned for my son, who was still standing and getting bumped around, to sit on her lap. I was hesitant, but he wasn’t. He gladly plopped down on this kind woman’s lap and happily rode the rest of the way.
It takes a village. Yes it does.
So, how do we teach our children the fine art of trusting and believing in the kindness of others without undermining their safety?
There is one absolute that I believe should always hold true: you never go anywhere with anyone but mom or dad unless you have our direct permission. Other than that, our stranger safety rules seem to evolve along with our children.
What do you think? How do you handle stranger safety with your children?
I was just thinking about this last night. My son, who is just over 2, has yet to receive the gift of stranger anxiety. He'll talk to anyone, anywhere. I was apparently like that when I was a child, and I survived to adulthood. Then again, I've always been with him in those situations. But what if I'm not? I can't think of a scenario, but it may happen. People always want to talk to him because he's adorable (it's not just my opinion!), and the first thing they ask him is his name. Now, the kind lady with her family at the Children's Museum is one thing. But others? I just don't know what to do or where to draw the line. C'moooon, stranger anxiety!
This was always a tough one for me…and continues to be, especially for my 12-year old daughter now that I've given her small freedoms with her friends. My son would always make small talk in the grocery store line when he was little, but those were strangers, right mom? And they seemed nice.
And before they go off to school, you feel like most of the interactions they have with the outside world will be under your supervision. But they have to learn to think and feel for themselves, to build that proper amount of "feeling in their guts" that will help them know how to respond.
It's never easy, is it?!
That's about the only big thing we push. If mommy and daddy are with you, you can talk to people, answer their questions, etc. But the rules change if we aren't.
We aren't in school yet, so that will be different.
Your son sounds so much like mine! The stranger danger talk has always been a difficult one for us because he's so friendly, and will talk to everyone.
I, too, told him that it's fine to talk to strangers in public as long as we (or a family member) are with him. I do frequently remind him that he should never ever approach a car if someone asks him to, no matter what.
We hit Stranger Danger a little hard when we were in the 2 year old refusing to hand hold stage. Now she won't talk to anyone she doesn't know at 4! The grocery store cashier thinks she's mute. We will have a different approach with Madeline.
One book that's really been helpful to me with these kinds of issues is Free Range Kids by Lenore Skenazy. She has a blog too – also has some good points. It's a tough issue that requires a lot of thought.
I have been having such a hard time with this. We told Em the same thing about never going anywhere with strangers but we have been so unsure about what else to tell her at 3. She is often shy with strangers and I am kind of glad about that.
We found an excellent book for my daughter to read on the subject. Don't laugh, but it's a Berenstain Bears book called, "The Berenstain Bears Learn about Strangers." It really fits that perfect balance!
We discussed the short list of "safe" adults and told her that she's never to go anywhere with anyone unless mom or dad says she is to do so. We went through the "help me find my puppy" scenario and all of that. I think that those conversations are prudent and don't seem to impact my daughter's feeling of security.
This is SUCH an important topic. I thought so much about this when mine were little. I think your SF experience is such a perfect teachable moment. It's such a fine line. I think anytime you can seize the moment and talk about it, it's valuable and kids remember it, too.
this is such a hard one for me. on the one hand, we live in a very small town so "real" strangers are hard to come by around here
for instance, on saturday, my son and i were thrown from a horse because it got spooked by a motorcycle. a couple in a pickup truck stopped when they saw what happened….the husband ran out and picked up my crying son from the ground while i tried to control a scared horse. my step father and daughter were on another horse nearby….my step dad knew OF this man and his wife, but we didn't personally know them. the man tried to put chandler back on the horse with me, but the horse shied away as soon as he got near. it was obvious he wasn't going to let chan back in the saddle. so, he and his wife offered to give chandler a ride back to the farm for me. they drove right behind us the entire way. the only thing i knew about them was that they had come to our aid….their daughter had graduated with my husband….and my step dad knew of their family. they were basically strangers, but we trusted them, accepted their help and were very grateful for it. i hope one day my kids will be able to assess a "stranger" situation and be able to make a good choice.
well… yes, it is a hard one. im not a total fan of 'stranger danger'. i think once my son is able to understand, i will teach him that if he ever finds himself lost somewhere, to look for another mommy with a child and go to her. as far as just random encounters with people, i think the idea will be to teach him to be polite and friendly, but NOT GO anywhere with anyone without a parent's permission. if you are nearby and you can allow your child to do sth with a stranger – like sit on their lap on the bus – that's fine, if he is alone walking from a friends house or school and smb offers to give him a ride, that would be an absolute NO.
A tough one. Seems to get harder and harder as they older too. My daughter thinks everyone is 'nice' and she is 12! I have heard a lot about using code words but I don't know how many people really do that. I do think the rules must change as the kids grow. Ugh – parenting is always a challenge!
That's wonderful. I tell my daughter (but haven't had this conversation with my son yet) to find a mommy with a child if she gets lost. It's not a sure thing, but at least narrows down the danger a tiny bit.
Such a fine line as you say. We have an amazing video created by Julie Clark (Baby Einstein creator) and John Walsh (host of America's Most Wanted) called The Safe Side – Stranger Safety. It is silly and fun and the kids love it. I love it too because it sets very, very bright lines. I think every kid should see it at least once. Mine have watched it at least 100 times. : )
We actually never did a lot of the stranger danger talk in our house. Simply because when they were little there was ALWAYS one of us around. There entered public school in 1st grade and still did not have a chance to encounter any strangers without us. I think it is a different world and we don't let our children wander as much as previous generations.
Right now I am more concerned about the strangers that my children can't see – the ones on the internet. That scares me beyond belief.
This is tough! I love thinking about these things b/c there are no absolutes in parenting.
I’ve talked with my daughters, age 4 and 8, about a lot of “dangerous” topics. They know about earthquakes, tsunamis, Israel-Palestine, self-defense, the mechanics of sex and the fluidity of gender, apartheid, racism, homophobia, a range of physical disabilities and mental illnesses, homelessness, and of course, their all time favorite, what happens when you die. It’s not that we have sit-downs and “serious conversations." As those of you who are parents know, these things just come up. Usually when you’re in the car or trying to do something else.
But one thing we haven’t talked about much is the idea of strangers and “stranger danger.” It’s partly that they’re still young enough that they’re not around strangers that often without one of us nearby but it’s also partly that there’s so much contradictory information about how to be around people we don’t know. The balance between politeness, openness, wariness, and self-defense is pretty wobbly, especially for women. This is true even for the adults I know. As girls, we’re still taught to be “nice” and I teach these, sometimes inadvertently to my girls—to answer questions, to look people in the eye, to speak when spoken to. They take martial arts and have been taught to run if someone tries to hurt them, to call out for help loudly and clearly, and to fight back if necessary. But there’s never been talk of who could possibly do the hurting. If asked, the four year old says, ‘A dragon or a monster.” The eight-year-old just shrugs.
Part of the reason I haven’t given them a clear “stranger policy” is that I think so much of how you respond to strangers is instinct, part of it is that I don’t like the idea of strangers and am constantly trying to turn everyone I meet into my community, and partly it’s that I don’t know if I’m totally clear on it.
When I was growing up, strangers were confusing. I’d spent the first six years of my life on a commune, where there was no such thing as a stranger and people coming down the road for the first time we’re likely to be greeted with naked hugs. Any of the “grown-ups” were considered to be the people you go to if you needed anything and the people who took care of you. Then we moved to the city. It seemed to be at a time of heightened stranger anxiety (as opposed to now, when there’s more environment-based anxiety), and I was constantly hearing stories of little girls pulled into cars with darkened windows. I would take the bus to school and run the three blocks home, sure that the car that was driving up the street was trying to kidnap me. Even inside our house wasn’t safe. My father told me it was no longer okay for me to sit on the laps of men who came over, even though they were family friends. Somehow, the way he said it made me think these guys were no longer ok. When we went back to the commune to visit, everything was as it was. Anyone who came down the road was almost as good as family. But in the city, watch out. People you didn’t know were as likely as not out to get you.
As a writer, strangers are my bread and butter, as well as my joy. I love talking to people I don’t know. I love the way, despite the patterns and parallels, people continue to surprise me. That is why I always return to New York—there are always strangers to talk to. It’s different in the Bay Area. There are less people on the street, less communal public spaces. From the sidewalk to the grocery store to the BART train, people are more protective of their personal space. This makes for more strangers and thus more danger. So what do I tell my kids? Perhaps just this, “Make less strangers.” And if anyone asks you to go anywhere alone or does anything you don’t like, yell NO and kick them in the personals.
@AnnaNova. we tell our preschooler to find a grown up with kids. Might be a mom or dad. Overblown STranger Danger seems to demonize unknown men mostly and we decided to include daddies in order to minimize this. It came up at a family reunion when some commented on the as yet unmarried uncles being so great with their nices and nephews, and one of them responded it was great to be able to interact with kids because he couldn't in daily life. We thought he meant because he didn't have/know any. But he meant moms in his apt Bldg taught their kids not to ride elevators alone with men, and he'd get suspicious looks if he paused to watch kids on the playground. Other uncles agreed they were conscious of avoiding kids day to day.
Very sad.
Great topic. When my husband or I are around, the rule is that they follow our lead. My 6 year old will glance at me if a stranger talks to him and I'll give him a nod. As he gets more comfortable with the nuances: where we are, what they are asking, I am seeing him start to grasp it. If we're at Target and they comment on the toy he's holding and I am standing there, he know's it's ok to respond. If they ask him a personal question – his name or age, he looks at me.
At school, he knows that a safe stranger (a teacher he doesn't know) will be wearing a badge that he is familiar with. But as I write this, I may need to broach the topic of inappropriate conversation or actions even if they are wearing a bandge. They should never tell him to get in a car, etc.
The one thing I think is the most important is that he will NEVER be in trouble for being wrong and making a scene. I always say to him, in stores, at school, anywhere, if someone threatens him, a stranger gets to close to him or someone makes him feel unsafe in anyway to scream, yell, kick and draw attention to himself. I told him I would rather him scream and make a scene and find out the person is safe, than have something happen to him.
I think we need to be careful of "find a mommy with kids". I, for one, don't want to teach my children (and my son, especially) that men are to be feared..because they are all potential pedophiles. A father with children is just as appropriate to approach for help as a mother. I am sad that the cultural environment we are raising our sons in assumes the worst of them just because of their gender.
we tell our kids: "strangers are friends we don't know yet" and do not discourage talking with anyone. i'm opposed to the phrase "don't talk to strangers"… we all talk to strangers everyday! what i do have a problem with is the idea that my children might go off with someone she/he doesn't know and in that case be at risk of being abducted or harmed in some way… so our phrase is just "don't go off with strangers". that phrase more accurately reflects what it is that i really don't want to happen.
I struggle with this too. I tell my 5 yr old all the time about strangers and how they can pretend to want to give him candy/toys but to never go with them. Then we'll see a friend of mine {who my son doesnt know} and he will be like "why did we talk to them I dont know them they are strangers." Its so hard teaching children about this…but I keep reinforcing it the best I can.
This is a super important issue. I faced the same questions in teaching my son about strangers. I found this DVD created by John Walsh & Julie Clark (she created the Baby Einstein series) which addresses stranger safety. It's absolutely fabulous! I've lent it to several of my friends who totally agree & have gone on to purchase their own copies. It's got great explanations that are easy for kids to understand & include just enough humor to keep their attention. If you're not familiar with The Safe Side check it out here: http://video.barnesandnoble.com/DVD/The-Safe-Side-Stranger-Safety/John-Walsh/e/850001001014.
Yes, we have the Safe Side DVD and we love it! I recommend it too, thanks