I think we can all agree that mom guilt is just part of life when you’re a mom. In fact, that first pang of pregnancy isn’t nausea, it’s mommy guilt in its earliest form. Did I have those two glasses of wine while I was (unknowingly) pregnant?
Ever since those early days as a mother, we’ve learned to deal with our daily dose of mommy guilt. That pesky mom guilt follows us around in low and steady doses on a daily basis in the form of:
I forgot to pack my daughter’s favorite snack.
I can’t find any clean socks…these dirty ones will have to do.
What? I forgot to pack the sunscreen for my son’s splash day at summer camp?
No, I didn’t make taco salad for dinner like I promised (cue son’s big brown and disappointed eyes).
And, most recently? Sorry, you’re going to school with bed-head…we’re late.
These daily typical infractions we can usually deal with. We know we can’t always get it right. Life happens. However, there are those days. The days when the mom guilt just seems to pile on. It’s like the snowball effect and you’re left running from the inevitable avalanche that’s headed your way.
That was me a few days ago. The day my mom guilt exploded in my face. I was maxed out on it and wasn’t quite sure how to turn the tide.
From the moment I awoke that morning, my feet, my head, my hands, my words…they were on fast forward; knowing I had a ton to accomplish by day’s end. My kids however, saw it as any other summer day at home with mom. And why shouldn’t they?
They were not pleased one bit to be greeted with short commands and rushed hands as I fed and dressed them that morning. I scurried them out the door and acted exasperated at any and all requests for snacks and the like.
My behavior and state of mind at that point was already shifting my mom guilt into overdrive. I needed to get things done and the only two things standing in my way? Two incredibly adorable and energetic kiddos who happen to call me mom. Yup, guilt, guilt, guilt.
I was merely going through the motions as I delivered them to soccer practice then took them out for lunch. My mind was overwhelmed with my own looming deadlines. When is quiet time? When is bedtime? This is not a great way to spend the day with your children.
Guilty.
As the day wore on and my patience wore thin, my attitude had not improved. All I could envision was a night full of my unfinished work and sleep that would not be had. Soon, bed and bath time arrived, and once again, I rushed the process. My hands moved faster than they should have and I scooped Little Sister out when she was done. Apparently, I forgot to tell her she was done and (rightly so) she let out a big cry of complaint because she was still “playing”. No time to play, I retorted and started drying her off.
Next thing I know, Little Sister is doing some sort of angry dance on the wet tile…and…splat. The poor thing was now a mess of tears on the tile floor and me…well, the mom guilt had just exploded in my face.
I carefully wrap her up in her towel and console her. She is more upset with me than hurt and wants to know why she couldn’t play in the tub. All I can muster is “I’m sorry”.
What I wanted to say was I’m sorry I’ve been distracted all day. I’m sorry I didn’t manage my time better. I’m sorry I’m such a terrible mother today. I’m sorry you fell on the tile. I’m sorry I didn’t play dollhouse when you asked. I’m sorry I forgot to take a deep breath and just be…with you and Big Brother.
I’m sorry.
I spent extra time at bedtime, reading and cuddling and trying to erase her memory of rushed and distracted mommy. She asked that I lay with her until she fell asleep, and though my work lay waiting for me, I did.
It was time to put my child to bed peacefully, and it was most certainly time to lay my mommy guilt to rest for the night as well.
How do you take control of the dreaded mommy guilt? What is your best antidote when you’re facing it?
Melissa, we have SO all been there. Even with older kids, it happens all the time. But I honestly feel that the kids don't always notice the things we do…and if we take on too much guilt it eats us alive.
I try to listen as closely as I can and watch body language. If my daughter comes over to my chair while I'm on the computer? She must need me…my son will plop down across the table.
But it's hard to be everything to everyone all the time. And thus, the guilt we all feel.
I agree with Sherri…I think we notice a lot more than they do, and they are incredibly forgiving (and forgetful), thank goodness.
But I have a lot of the type of days you describe. My son asked me the other day, "why do you have to work so much mommy? Why can't you just have one job instead of 3?"
how do you answer that? the guilt.
All we can do is love them the best we can. Someday they will understand that we did our best and that a parent's time is constantly pulled in 5 different directions.
(hugs)
Tomorrow is a new day.
Oh darling, HUGS to you. I am constantly trying to do my best to get my needs met and hers as well, as all parents do the daily shuffle. Good luck.
I agree with Sherri as well. One thing I do is admit my faults for that day. Why not tell them you are sorry about the lack of patience you had? For me, telling them that it was all me, not them, helps a little. I simply say "I'm sorry, I had so much to do today and should have managed my time so that I would have had time to have fun with you." Then, follow up with a hug. My oldest seems to appreciate me admitting that I am human and made a mistake. Hugs to you and every mom that needs it when we have that kind of day.
Terri – wonderful insight – I think being able to tell our kids we aren't perfect and to learn from our guilt is crucial. I've had my own struggles with it (http://www.evolutionaryparenting.com/?p=244) and continue to find that the more I learn from these feelings and am willing to accept that mistakes happen, the better I am emotionally and mentally.
I try to just let my mommy guilt run its course, while reminding myself that tomorrow will be different. I used to beat myself about feeling guilty, but now I just see it as a normal part of motherhood or of anything that you care deeply about and want to do right but can't always.
I'm drowning in mommy guilt lately, too. I'm not quite sure what to do. I think Sherri's right that we probably notice more than the kids do. I remind myself that there are way worse moms out there and their kids turn out ok! None of these things make me feel totally better, but it's something. :/
I have felt the crush of mommy guilt, too. What surprised me the most about this was not the actual overwhelming guilt, but how many people told me to stop feeling guilty. They told me guilt was useless, I was doing my best, just stop feeling that way. And then I felt guilty about feeling guilty. But I've decided to stop that. Guilt is part of being a mom. Guilt over 80 hour work weeks, guilt of overnight call, guilt of being too tired, guilt of not making the most of every moment. But I'm accepting this. I will not feel guilty about feeling guilty anymore.
That being said, I cope with my guilt by allowing myself to say that I am sorry. Not in a way of taking on blame, but of a way to let my kids know I'm not perfect, but I'm still trying to be a good mom.
well. i just had a bout with the guilt. one of many. forgot to play the tooth fairy. kicked my arse all day long. turns out, the kiddo forgave me. myself? still working on it.
Oh goodness Melissa this is the universal tie that binds us in the mommy club. My guilt right now is that I am tending to my mom so much that I am mentally not available for the kiddos. Double guilt!
It's so hard to cope with mom guilt. I have had that day, a few times. I think we need to give ourselves a break, as hard as it is to do.
Every single one of your comments resonates with me. This mom guilt thing is universal in every possible way and ultimately, I agree with all you had to say. We must move on, say sorry, forgive ourselves, remember that we are doing our best, know that they probably don't see it like we do, and allow ourselves to be perfectly imperfect.
Plus? I found a little round of freeze dance works wonders…all the way around
I wasn't aware that we were supposed to feel anything else! I thrive on quilt!
Oy.
This is so hard, so true-to-life. And it rears its ugly head no matter how old our children are!
The only way I can deal with it is to wallow (momentarily) in my imperfection, reminding myself that I'm not called, intended to be everything to these kids. They learn from my flaws how to deal with their own as they grow…
My worst story is missing a school afternoon play and I was in the building next door where I teach preschool. When my son got off the bus and into the car, we both burst into tears. I still tear up thinking about it. Luckily it was also performed later that night. We all feel and all need to let it go.
@Cheryl
@Laura I love what you said about them learning from my flaws and a lesson in dealing with their own. So wise. Thank you.
@Betsy Oh…it really is so hard to let some of these things go but you are right. We must. I'm so glad you got to see it later that night.
Like I replied to you on Twitter, I think sharing our feelings of guilt with other moms truly helps. We all go through it and sometimes it's comforting to know that.
Lately I'm drowning in mom guilt because in this overheated third trimester of pregnancy my patience has grown really thin. Yesterday morning my guy was climbing all over me as I tried to do laundry. I pushed him (gently) aside and let out a loud shriek. He started crying because I scared him. I almost started crying too, but I realized I needed to apologize for losing control. We hugged and calmed down, but I still feel crappy about it now.
Yep, 8 months in and I've had my share of mommy guilt but a long time ago, I learned to live with imperfections – mine and others. I know that true love overlooks all sin so my kids and I will always forgive each other and guilt will always be a short-term visitor. So far this attitude has helped me get over most things from forgetting to change a poopy diaper overnight to not realizing that my whiny baby was crying because she was hanging upside down from her swing
I've been feeling an incredible amount of mommy guilt lately. My hormones are out of control this pregnancy and I am so short tempered. By the time my kids are asleep, I just want to wake them up and apologize. I can't wait to feel normal again!
Ug. Mom guilt is so universal isn't it? It's universal AND ugly. I think sometimes the best antidote is just being real with our kids, apologizing when we need to, confessing our inadequacies to our husbands and/or mom friends who will understand and encourage us and help share the load. And then of course… get a full nights sleep and try again tomorrow.
I have no idea how to handle the guilt! Some days are worse than others. I really have not found a good solution.
It does seem to wax and wane. I find my worst days are the days I’m sleep deprived and have put too much on my plate. So I’m trying to make sleep a priority and make sure I don’t agree to too much before I know whether or not I can handle it…and my kids