A loved one recently passed away.
A dear, sweet woman who many called Mom, Grandma, and Great Grandma.
To Big Brother and Little Sister, she was Great Grandma and though their time with her was short, their questions about her are numerous.
There was no longer avoiding the questions:
What happens when you die?
Why do people have to die?
Does it hurt when you die?
How come she died?
Hubs and I did our best fielding these questions in the most honest and gentle way we knew how. I’m sure we fell short.
But…what do you say?
To a six year old? A three year old?
Big Brother has, over the last three years, experienced death in baby steps.
First, it was his pet fish, then the class guinea pig, and then his frog.
Each passing was met with some tears, questions, and confusion.
We explained the best we could. Animals don’t live forever. It was his time to go. He was sick. They went to heaven.
We tried to satisfy his curiosity without overwhelming him.
It’s such a delicate topic, death. On the one hand, he does need to understand it. On the other? Does he really need to be weighed down with reality at this tender age?
The confusing answer for us all is…yes.
He should understand the finality of death, the seriousness of it, the importance of not taking it lightly. However, he should not be consumed by it.
This is where I falter as a parent. I’m not quite sure how to strike that balance.
Not sure at all.
As we honored my husband’s Grandmother, celebrated her life, and mourned her loss, I could see Big Brother’s eyes wide with curiosity. It helped for him to be there. To witness the grieving and the love. To hear about this amazing woman and the beautiful life that she lived.
He was grown up and yet still a little boy that day.
He understood life, death, and love more intimately that sunny afternoon. We didn’t shelter him or use euphemisms for what transpired. We simply allowed him to observe and be a part of it. What he learned by doing this was certainly more than I could have put into words.
I still don’t have a magic answer to the question…how do we talk to our children about death? Because I don’t believe there is a right one. We do the best we can as parents, using our best judgement, common sense, and what feels right in the moment.
Big Brother still talks about Great Grandma and how she tap danced her way across Santa Cruz. At least that’s how he’ll always remember her.
As for what he thinks about death? He pretty much summed it up in a way only a child can.
On a recent family outing, we stopped by a large fountain where Big Brother and Little Sister routinely like to toss in a penny each and make a wish.
On this particular outing, Big Brother stepped closer to the fountain, held his penny tight, closed his eyes, and said:
I wish I could stay alive forever.
Then he tossed his penny in, turned to look at us, smiled, and ran off to chase his sister.
All the hubs and I could do was smile back, half chuckling, half fighting back the tears.
We wish that too, Big Brother. Us too.
Have you struggled with explaining the concept of death to your children? Why do you think this is so difficult for us as parents?
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What a tough subject. I do think it’s easier to approach when someone dies of very old age. But when the death is younger? It’s much trickier. A good friend of mine lost her husband recently. They have a six-year old boy whom my daughter plays with from time to time.
I didn’t have the heart to tell her what happened. When I went to the funeral, I just told her that a friend of mine lost someone she loved. She’s had a couple of play dates with my friend’s son, but it’s just not discussed. The kids are together to play and have fun.
I don’t want my daughter to realize that death can happen to anyone and be worried about us. Not yet. She’s too young!
You’re right Cheryl, that situation is much more difficult to handle. We really don’t want our children overloaded with worry…it’s so hard.
I’m so sorry for your friend’s loss. I cannot imagine.
It is a very tough subject, but, as with most things, I think it can be discussed openly and honestly with children of all ages. In the right context, of course.
Unfortunately for me and my children, I’ve lost both of my parents in the last 6 years. They don’t remember much about my father but we talk about him all the time. They do remember my mother’s death. The funeral. Her in the hospital. Seeing me grieve. Understanding it was real and forever. I don’t wish this understanding on them or anyone but it is real and is life.
It does make it harder on them. My kids understand that people die. My daughter was afraid if I slept in my mom’s bed {right after she died} that I may catch what she had. We clearly had to address that concern.
They have also had a friend lose a sibling. While that was not are real to them it brought to bear that even young people die.
I don’t disagree with wanting to shelter children from such weighty issues. I wish their little worlds were simpler longer. It simply hasn’t been the case. And in some ways I see that they have grown and matured so much through these issues and have a new compassion that they wouldn’t otherwise have. I suppose we all do.
Amy, you and your family really have had to deal with huge losses recently. I’m so sorry and you are right, we can’t really shield them from what is reality.
All we can really do, I suppose, is be honest and reassuring. It’s most certainly one of the more difficult parts of parenting.
Thank you so much for sharing your personal experience and viewpoints. It really does help.
I’ve tried to have these conversations with my children, but I’m never sure that they fully understand. It’s such a difficult concept.
The concept is difficult. Young children really only understand the here and now. Abstract concepts are lost on them.
It’s hard.
That is exactly what I struggle with. I want them to understand how real death is (that life is not like the Wild West Show they saw, where the cowboys jumped right up and started telling jokes); but I also want to avoid freaking them out about death.
My 5 year old is very interested in heaven. Lots of questions there! But so far we’ve only discussed a couple of pets going to heaven. I hope I am ready when the day comes for a more serious discussion…
I’m sorry for your loss. My thoughts are with you and your kids.
Thank you Missy. My son is like yours…so many questions. Trying to make sense of it all.
They get this info in bits and pieces and I think it’s the way it should be…baby steps
This post makes me cry and think! So well done!
Thank you
With my boys I was straightforward about death, but not so much that I gave them every gruesome detail. I think everyone has to decide the best way to explain it to their children. So sorry to hear about your loss.
Thanks Amy. I too believe it’s a personal decision how you approach it. So many factors come into play…age of your child, what exactly happened, what feels right.
What a wonderful post Melissa!
A lot of wisdom for many moms going through the same thing. I’m sorry for your loss but how lucky you were to have her for so long!!
Thank you Betsy. Yes, we are lucky to have known and loved her for so long.
This post made me tear up. I’m so sorry for your family’s loss.
Thank you Stefanie.
That was such a touching post! I’m sorry for your family’s loss of a wonderful lady. (Hugs)
Thanks Lanae.
I love how you said it helped for him to be there. Little ones need closure, too. It’s never an easy subject and once again, you’re spot on in suggesting balance.
Our boys were surrounded by faith as they grew, so we had a shared vocabulary for what was happening. They saw us grieve over loss and death but rejoice at life now and later. That made — and makes — it easier.