How do you do it?
I don’t know how you do it.
Chances are you’ve heard these words before. You may have even been the one to speak them.
Some may find questions or remarks like these quite rude or irritating. I, however do not.
I mean we’ve all wondered it at some point in our motherhood journey, haven’t we?
Maybe it was the day after only getting 3 hours of sleep due to your teething toddler and you arrive at kindergarten drop off only to be greeted by freshly showered, perfectly manicured, mom of 3 offering her sweet and perky, good morning, how are you? when you wanted to blurt out…please, tell me how you do it because I’m dying over here!
We’ve all been both moms at one time or another. There is no denying that. It’s exactly why I think all moms can relate to this movie coming out called I Don’t Know How She Does It, starring Sarah Jessica Parker. It’s the title and trailer that already has me hooked and inspired this post about how all of us moms are doing “it”.
Granted the details of her working mom life and mine diverge on every single level. I don’t have a nanny (or even a regular babysitter for that matter). I don’t have a housekeeper or an army of helpers who manage to keep the household running and the children taken care of. It’s just me and the hubs.
And I’m okay with that. Most of the time.
What does resonate is the emotion, the feeling that on most days, our lives are in chaos and we wonder how on earth we’re going to get the kids cleaned, dressed, fed, and to school on time. Not to mention we could use a shower and some dusting of blush before we rush out the door to work.
Seriously, aren’t we all just hanging on by a thread? No matter what our “it” encompasses.
You may be a full time working mom, a mom working from home, a full time stay at home mom, or a mom trying to configure some combination of all three; what truly bonds us is our universal desire to somehow strike that delicate balance between our families and work.
It’s easy to look next door and imagine that the mom living there has certainly got “it” all figured out, when the reality is…she doesn’t. Supermom is truly a myth and it doesn’t behoove us to fantasize about the “perfect” mother. She.does.not.exist.
What does help is to realize we are not alone.
Say it again with me…we.are.not.alone. No matter how different the details of our lives may seem, we are moms in pursuit of similar goals.
We are all just trying to do our best. We want our children to feel safe and be happy. We want to pursue our own passions. We want to be good mothers, daughters, friends, and wives. We want the satisfaction of a fulfilling career. We want to make the “yummiest cookies ever” and always show up on time. We want to be there for our husbands.
But no…we are not supermoms. We are moms just doing our darnedest to handle our full lives.
So go ahead ask me, how do you do it?
My answer will likely be much like yours…uh, not very well or you should see my house. If you want, I could elaborate and intrigue you with the state of my laundry (partly clean, mostly dirty) or the fact that I forgot to brush my child’s hair and sent him to school without lunch and (gasp) he had to buy lunch from the cafeteria.
However, it just could be the unsatisfying and yet reassuring answer you wanted to hear.
So, I’m daring to ask you…how do you do “it”? Do you get annoyed or are you happy to discuss how you do “it”?
So I just wrote a comment (or part of one) and something weird happened. Sorry if you get two comments. The other comment was mildly more articulate than this one will be.
I agree with these words. We’re all just doing this the best we know how. Some days it looks shiny, happy from the outside; some days it looks like greasy, unwashed hair.
Your comment was right on, I love that…”some days it looks like greasy, unwashed hair”.
the BEST remedy for those greasy, unwashed hair days… baby powder. Ha! Has saved me more than a few times!
Melissa, I love this article!! Thanks for saying it out loud for everyone to hear. There are no supermoms, just great women doing their best everyday and sometimes our best is not perfect.
Yes, Jenn…great women indeed! We do our best and it really doesn’t have to be perfect
I am really really guilty of thinking everyone else has it so together and I don’t. I have to make myself realize that I’m doing a pretty good job, and EVERYONE makes mistakes!
You are doing a great job! We all make mistakes…it’s life. Everyone we love and who loves us doesn’t expect perfection. It’s something I have to remind myself too
Just barely but hardly. So nice when you hear there are others out there. It just seems everyone else has it all together. I keep thinking I will figure it out, but have come to the realization that this is normal and the way it will be – and I will more than likely miss it someday.
I was just having this conversation with my husband the other day…how we seem to be waiting for the day when it all gets easier. The thing is…this is it…this is life and we WILL miss it someday if we don’t stop and count our blessings
Believe me…you are not alone…
I got this a lot, having four sons, writing and teaching. And the answer is, I don’t know how I did it. You just dig in and do it.
And yes, we all are hanging by a thread. I think if we were honest, we’d admit we all have our “you should see my…”!
By the way, there’s something VERY freeing in abandoning the Supermom myth!!
“Dig in and do it”…yeah I completely get that sentiment. There is something extremely freeing about throwing out the supermom myth!!
I have a long list of supplies required for the daily juggle. I can give you the abbreviated version? 5 a.m. work-outs, coffee, the housekeeper, take-out dinner, sick days at work, my cell phone, tinted moisturizer and vodka. Vodka is a must.
My motto every day is “something’s gotta give”. Sometimes it’s work, sometimes it’s time with my fam, sometimes it’s the dishes or dinner. Most times it’s me. (You should my gray…I am overdue for a color job). I think we all do the best we can every day. But if I am being real? There is some freedom in throwing your hands in the air, ordering pizza and popping in a movie.
Best,
Tina
Okay, you’re not the first person to recommend a 5am work out. I really really want to…but ouch…I’m so NOT a morning person. Though I could try.
You are so right about the something’s gotta give motto. Everyday is a shuffle to see which come out on top
I know exactly what you mean. And having been both a SAHM and a part-time working mom, I can honestly say that I think we just all find our OWN way to do “it”, whatever that means for each of us. Some of us are uber-organized with grocery lists and chores; others just let some of those things happen when they can and don’t let it bother them.
I think we are all truly in the same.exact.boat though. Just wearing different life vests.
Loved this, Melissa!
Now that line is a keeper Sherri…I may just quote you every now and then: “I think we are all truly in the same.exact.boat. Just wearing different life vests”.
Love it and thank you
I really needed this today. I often go through phases of feeling like I have it together and phases where I feel like I have no clue what I’m doing. Today was one of the latter kind of days. It’s tough, but remembering that no mom is doing it all, gives me some encouragement to just do the best I can, when I can.
I think it’s fair to say that we ride on this wave and that some days we feel on top of it all and some days we feel like we’re drowning.
A good night of rest always seems to put things into perspective for me. Here’s to a new day tomorrow
Beautifully written that the supermom is a myth!!! Love that! It’s almost impossible to simplify but when we can that’s what makes us feel better. Mothers everywhere… let’s give up the myth!!!
I think simplifying if highly underrated. I need to do more of that. Thanks for your wise words Betsy.
I love “doing it all.” Nothing makes me happier than the craziness of motherhood and a full time job. If we have enough money to feed our kids and provide a safe and loving home life, what else is hard? This has got to be the best time of our lives. As moms our children will grow up too quickly and leave us, why not enjoy the late nights for a hug and a silent thank you for the absolute joy of children. I have one amazing daughter so maybe it isn’t as hard?
Well I certainly love hearing a mom completely satisfied with both her job and home life! I think if you can see the positive, as you most certainly do and cherish the moments you have with your daughter…then life is indeed good
Thanks so much for sharing!
Brilliantly put, Melissa. It’s so easy to look at other moms and thinks “she have it all” but in reality we doesn’t really know what’s going on behind closed doors. I’m with you on lets drop that myth and let’s drop the guilt we are just trying to do our best in our own ways.
Thank you. And yes, we are all doing our best and our children will love us for it no matter what. XO
I am a SAHM of 7. Even though I stay at home, I still am never on top of my laundry. I think somedays the way we do it is to just survive. I keep telling myself this is just a season. Even though for me, this season has no end in sight. My oldest is 17 and my youngest is 20 months. Thanks for a great post!
Oh Tasha…just reading your comment makes me tired
This really is a long season for you but my guess is that it is all worth it. Keep up the wonderfully hard, exhausting but rewarding work. You are an inspiring mother, thank you.
This post was just what I needed… especially this week! Every mom feels like they’re the only ones not keeping it all together. But we’re all in the same boat, feeling the same feelings, drowning in the same laundry pile! I really appreciated your thoughts and will pass this along to our readers!
Thank you Bonnie and here’s hoping this week is a little less chaotic
!!!! I just wrote a post about how I feel like my multi-tasking feels more like a personality disorder. First year, everyone was asking me how I do it, but I just started my second year of medical school and I feel like an absolute mess right now…UGH
I definitely want to check out the movie…probably won’t have another free moment until Thanksgiving tho…LOL
Jasmine, never sell yourself short. You are taking on a lot right now. Medical school is all consuming even without a family to tend to and take care of. On the bright side, you have the love and support of your husband and little boy.
Hang in there. Know that you are doing an amazing thing. Be proud of yourself but also know…you deserve to feel the way you do…it is a lot!!
Best wishes to you in the journey through medical school, training, life with your little one and with your husband. Blogging will be good for your soul
I just wrote a post on this today! Last year, everyone was asking me how I do it, but this year (I just started my second year of medical school) I feel like an absolute mess…UGH
Great post, Dr. Arca. As I write this comment, I am staring at a pile of dirty dishes, unfolded laundry, and crushed Cheerios on the floor. But, you know, I’m OK with it. Today, I have spent some time online, some time playing outside with the kids, and am going to prepare some easy dinner (dad’s grilling!) So, I think “it” is simply a matter of perspective. Although imperfect and sloppy, I think I had “it” today!!
Yes Dr. Burgert you are absolutely right…”it” really is a matter of perspective. I need to maintain mine as I muddle through some days. Your day sounded lovely…imperfections and all!
I’ve been meaning to write about this. It’s amazing how much this resonates with me. I always feel that I never get the balance right: I’m always not going enough at work or enough at school. But I’m getting better at working with the guilt, and just realizing that my life is amazing and trying to enjoy it. (At least that’s my goal. I still fall into pure chaos far to frequently).
And I have a nanny. I’m not sure whether it makes the guilt better or worse.
Well I have to admit Katherine, there are some days I’d give my right arm for a nanny…and then I of course feel guilty for feeling that way. *sigh*
Hang in there and enjoy the crazy ride as much as you can
I get this all of the time…mostly re: the fact that my Hubs travels so much. My new answer is, “I don’t know, I just do”. We all have our strategies and systems in place…and we just do it! Great post.
A traveling hubs is reason enough to garner that question
But you are right…we just do it!
I sometimes feel like I lead 2 very different lives. There’s my “working mom” life where me working full time isn’t such a big deal since as a teacher I work with many other working moms (although no one else has 3 small, close in age, children). Then I have my “other life” outside of work where many of my friends are SAHMs. They come with a mix of admiration, jealousy and wonder of my role as a working mom.
I feel like I have to do it all since I chose to continue to work and not stay at home with my kids. I feel like I need to make up for the time I’m not with them – to still do play dates, sports, parks, zoos and fun things. We cram it into our evenings, weekends and summers but we have fun and i look forward to it.
And I, like many other moms mentioned in above comments, just do what I have to do. We do it and we make it work. Sometimes we’re not sure how either, but we do. And then we blog about it! ha!
Yes, blogging helps! It’s good for the soul to write about it all
I must say, you have a wonderful perspective and honestly, perspective is half the battle 
Well, nobody has ever asked me how I do it! If they did, I wouldn’t be insulted at all! I can’t even imagine!
But only having one kid is seen as a cake walk by other moms. And you know what? It really is!
I would never call being a mom a cake walk…no matter how many children
You just have a great attitude and I love that!
Great post! You are right, we do the best we can. And some days we feel we can do it all and some days we don’t.
Oddly enough, the more I have to do, the more I can do. Although, I would say, the laundry rarely makes it out of the dryer back to the drawers before it is worn again… that is if it even gets washed during these busy times!
I get asked this periodically. And usually the person questioning is referring to the other projects I work on. I say, I do little bits at a time. When you have kids you do what you can if you have interests outside of work and being a mom!
Cheers,
Rajka
You are right about having more to do…I think we become more productive and focused when we know we’re short on time. Go figure. The upside of some stress.
And on the laundry issue, yeah, unfortunately, we grab it from the “clean pile” in our rooms…oops.
Oh, you sweet, sweet thing.
I can’t wait till a bit more time passes, and you see just how happy you’re children are.
It’s so hard: you want to be THE BEST.
But, you’ll see: if they get time, laughter, kisses, hugs, they’ll turn out alright.
You’ll see.
xo
This is why I love hearing from you. You have the gift of perspective and sincerity. Thanks for your kind and wise words. I always take them to heart
I plaster on a smile because I want my kids to know how much I love them. I know that some moms don’t get to spend time with their kids like I do. I try to look on the positive side. Then I go scrub that toilet.
Love this comment! I thought about it as I was cleaning up my kids rooms and getting them ready for bed. I felt myself frowning…instead I tried to smile. You are right. My time with them is a privilege and one I am incredibly grateful for
Like you said, it truly is a myth. No one does it all and I don’t know how it all started that women were *expected* to do all the housework, all the childcare AND get an education and have a career?!?! Lord knows the males of the species can’t handle all that!
I’ll second that Liz…and add that I’m lucky to have a hubby that pitches in
I can’t remember if I commented on this or not. So if I did already, I apologize for a duplicate comment! I’m not quite sure how I do it. Lately, pure adrenaline. If I just keep moving, I’m okay. The minute I sit down to relax, I have an energy crash. So I just keep going!
Oh I have it completely together.
Except my jeans don’t fit because I stress-eat.
Oh and I just hand my youngest the toothbrush and let him go at it in his own fashion because I’m too lazy to wrestle him and try go get those pearly whites all white.
And I choose a nap over cleaning EVERY time.
Oh yeah, I have it all together.
(at least the smile is genuine)
[…] of a Dr. Mom wrote a post that just hit it about motherhood. In I Don’t Know How She Does It she explores her feelings concerning moms that seem to have a perfect house, manicured nails, and a […]