Delay Kindergarten at Your Child’s Peril.
Those words glared at me from my inbox, daring me to read with great interest. Which of course, I did.
My husband sent me this article to read…FYI...he says.
Uh-huh, I skeptically think to myself...I will.
Just days earlier I had hinted to my husband that perhaps it wasn’t as simple as sending our youngest to kindergarten next fall simply because she would be “eligible”.
He look confused and wondered why I was even considering not sending her. Moreover, he could not understand why I was thinking about all this right now when she just started her second year in preschool.
Here’s the thing. This business of “redshirting” our soon to be kindergartners is all over the place. I never thought I would have to grapple with the decision myself. Yet, here it is and I do.
My daughter has a late September birthday. Which means she can technically start kindergarten next fall. At the age of 4.
Four.
What this means for her is that she will either be the youngest or the oldest in her class. In my opinion, not great options on either end. So I feel I must weigh the pros and cons on each end of the spectrum and not just limit my decision to how I think she’ll fare in kindergarten.
Because quite honestly, I think she’ll absolutely thrive in kindergarten. She’s bright, eager to learn, and yearns to do everything Big Brother does. She cannot wait for kindergarten.
But what happens after that magical year?
What happens when the age gap becomes more glaring?
When her older peers are entering puberty, dating boys, driving, and going off to college.
She’ll be a full year behind them chronologically. Won’t she constantly be trying to “catch up” to them?
And…off to college at age 17?
Those thoughts frighten me.
Am I over thinking this? My husband tends to think so and doesn’t think we should “hold her back” if she’s ready.
But what does “if she’s ready” really mean? So much goes into being “ready” to enter the school years. Academics seems a small part of it when you look at the big picture. How children develop, thrive, and see themselves has a great deal to do with how they see themselves with regard to their peers.
While the opinion piece cited above had much to say about academics, it failed to mention the emotional impact of shuttling our children, who end up on the cusp, off to kindergarten too soon.
Granted, I do believe each child is unique and their “readiness” should be determined outside of any grand generalizations.
Still, how can you say…delay kindergarten at your child’s peril? It’s attention grabbing for sure but completely misleading. I have yet to meet a parent who regrets giving their “on the cusp” child the gift of time.
Kindergarten is vastly different now then when we were 5. It’s first grade, with cute songs and adorable art projects thrown in. The trend in our area is certainly to wait if you are in doubt. And while I don’t generally cave to “trends”, this one has a huge impact on my ultimate decision.
So, I’m still torn. I wish my mommy instinct was kicking in with more force at this point. My thinking seems to vacillate on a daily basis.
I want to do right by Little Sister. As I dropped her off at preschool this morning with her adorable, albeit lopsided, double braids, I lingered and watched her skip off to play with her friends.
She’s confident, happy, and yearns to learn new things.
Please don’t let me ruin that.
Please.
As you can see…I desperately need your advice, experience, feelings on this subject. Moms, dads, teachers, former “on the cusp” children…please share your thoughts!
That article was kind of a joke, in my opinion. No real facts cited and had a real agenda from the outset. My feeling is it is more an issue for boys than girls, but it is the right choice for a lot of girls, too. “Redshirting” is a silly term, and really adds a negativity about seeking advantage as opposed to a level playing field. Yes, read Outliers, but also think about whether you think your child will have an easier time being a leader in a class where she is the oldest, or whether the thought of her being one of the first girls to develop fills you with dread, given her personality. My 6 year old son just started K at 6 yrs 2 months and is thriving as he never has in school before, even in the great and caring preschool he attended from age 2 through pre-k. But that’s just my 2 cents.
It’s not too nice commenting on someone’s blog to tell them their post is a joke for no apparent reason. But that’s just my 2 cents.
I think Lynda was referring to the article I referenced here but I see how that can be misconstrued. I do appreciate your concern though
Thanks for your insight Lynda and yes, I do need to read that book. Also, I never considered the opposite issue: her developing before the other girls in her class. Hmm…something to consider for sure.
My birthday is 9/30 and I started kindergarten at 4. I was always on the high honor roll, well adjusted and did quite well. I was challenged, but never struggled. The way you are describing your daughter, I think she will do great next year.
We will be in a similar position as Madeline has a 9/6 birthday with a 8/1 cutoff. To test in, I think you have to have an August birthday so we might not have any choice.
Good luck with your decision!
Thanks Kristin. It’s reassuring to hear how well you did. It’s quite possible I’m over thinking it…not sure. Wow, you guys have an 8/1 cutoff? Ours is 12/1 but they intend to slowly move it up to 9/1. Such a wide discrepancy across the US.
It is better to wait. My friend is a kindergarten teacher and prefers if parents wait until their child is OFFICIALLY 5 years old. If they turn 5 after the cut-off of September 1, they prefer parents to wait until the next year. Your child will not be traumatized if they are the oldest in the class. It’s sometimes harder for the youngest in the class to get along with others because they are so much more immature.
My mom started me in kindergarten early – I was an August birthday and always younger than my peers. It never once bothered me…okay, that’s a lie – it only bothered me when everyone got their driver’s licenses as Sophomores and I had to wait until I was a Junior.
She always told me she started me that year instead of holding me back because I was “ready.” She said I was eager to learn and loved school, but she still obsessed and worried about it.
I was always a high-achieving student and never had any difficulty with the peer relationships or puberty issues you mention. Kids go through puberty all over the place as it is, she could be an early or late bloomer no matter when she starts school.
Anyway, it turned out kind of nice when I didn’t get into medical school my first application cycle. I was able to work for a year and still start with a group of people who weren’t a year younger than me.
I think no matter what decision you make it will work out just fine. Good luck!
Thanks Danielle, good to hear it worked out well for you. And, you’re absolutely right, no telling when kids will hit puberty. It’s so highly variable. I know she will be okay whatever we decide, but I also know I’ll worry so much about it either way! Ugh.
It’s a really tough choice you’re facing… but it’s not a choice that will make or break her, so maybe if you manage to relax a little about it a solution will come to you. I faced a similar decision when starting preschool (which, here in Italy, defines at what age you end up in first grade). With my first I decided to wait until he was over three (you can start at 2.5 years old here) and in hindsight am very happy with this decision, he started this year (at 3 and a half) and is doing great, on the other hand I already know that my daughter will be able to start next year a few months shy of her third birthday and it’ll be fine. Your mothering instinct will kick in, you know your child best and there is no rule in parenting that’s a one size fits all. If she’s the oldest she’ll face certain challenges if she’s the youngest she’ll face other challenges, either way she’ll be fine as long as you support her.
Sorry for this insanely long comment! Best of luck to you!
What a good point. Either way she will face some challenges and we will be there to support her. That really does help me relax a little. Luckily, we have some time before we need to make this decision
I don’t have an “opinion,” because I think it depends on the child, but I can give you some different thoughts
1) As a student – I was “young”. Not the youngest (mid-August birthday) but on the younger side. I never felt “young”. In fact, I developed physically kind of early, and it would have been so awful if I would have been the oldest and waiting even longer for everyone else to have to wear a bra. (Academically it was NEVER an issue; they wanted my parents to advance me too additional grades at one point, but they didn’t.)
2) Another student viewpoint – My friend (a guy) was one of the youngest (a mid-September birthday). He did fine until about fifth grade, when all of the kids started hitting that pre-pubescent stage. He then began to have academic issues and never liked school really. Their children are both September birthdays, and they are holding both of them because of his experience.
3) A teacher – I taught middle school. I could tell the younger kids, but it was more obvious in 6th grade than 8th. It was most obvious, in both grades, with boys. The issues I noticed were much, much more social/behavioral than academic.
Cavaet – I KNOW there are both horror and success stories for both scenarios (holding them and sending them.) I think in the long run, you and your husband (with possibly some input from her preschool teacher) are the ones best qualified.
My kids have January & February birthdays, so I don’t have to worry about that decision. I think I would be inclined to hold a boy, almost automatically, but I would hesitate more with a girl.
I DO think that with diligent parenting, either situation will work out, because I think the social aspect is more relevant than the academic one. I would say to think about that (her social readiness) more than her academic readiness.
I realize you didn’t ask for a book, so I apologize!
Angela, thank you! This was all very helpful and the different viewpoints are very relevant to me. I have to admit, I vacillate because she is a girl and I think she’ll do fine. If it were my son, I probably would have no problem waiting a year merely for the social aspect. He is a Feb. baby so there was no issue. We will be mulling this over for sure in the upcoming months. Thanks again
I am a November baby and started kindergarten when I was 4 – didn’t seem to be as much of a big deal. Always kind of liked being one of the younger ones. And yes, I started college at 17…
I started my son last year at 4 – he’s a late August birthday. But He was “ready”. We wouldn’t have made it through another year of pre-school with practicing our alphabet and writing his name.
There were lots of boys in his class that turned 6 in Sept, Oct, Nov of last year. There is a difference in size, but that’s about it. Yeah, my son my might be a little smaller and still wear pants that have a “T” in their size, but academically and socially, he’s tops. Age doesn’t seem to make a difference in class.
He’s a happy 1st grader now who was delighted that he got to turn 6 after school started and share his birthday party with all of his friends.
Thanks so much for sharing your experience Michele. It really helps to know that as moms, we know when our children are “ready” and that most of the time we are right. I just hope I figure that out soon
My son is in second grade this year and I’m so glad I made the decision to “red shirt” him the first year he was eligible for kindergarten. I went to my mom for advice on this issue because I have two sisters with November birthday’s. She put my eldest sister in during her first eligible year and held off with my younger sister. She said it was much easier for my younger sister throughout her school years because she was a little older. She was the same age as her peers when dating became an issue, was 18 years old for her senior trip…. Maturity is a big part of school and I feel great about my decision to “red shirt” my son. He’s doing great in school and gets along with his peers. Besides, he’ll be 18 when he goes off to college, which means I’ll have him home for almost a year longer than some parents. For me that’s a good thing.
All fantastic points. Having them for that extra year does seem well worth it. Thank you
I really think it depends on the child. My daughter turned 5 mid-July and the cut off was Aug 1st, so she is one of the younger 5’s in her class making the cut off by 2wks. Half her class has already turned 6 according to all the birthday notices I get on the newsletter!
When she was 4 and in preschool, I waffled as you are- academically I knew she was ready, but emotionally was an entirely different ballgame for her. She loved preschool, but she still had drop off issues, clingy-ness, she (still) needs her nap because she wakes up so early, I was worried that while we can get away with some of these issues in preschool, they wouldn’t fly in K.
Even having registered her in Spring, I was concerned about it all summer. Would she be independent enough to handle a new school, all new faces, as we know nobody in our district for some reason, the bus!!
She is doing awesome! We have had a couple bumps learning the rules of the classroom the first couple weeks, understanding she can’t talk, move around from activity to activity (like in Montessori), but none of the things I was worried about were a factor at all. She hops on the bus every day with a wave.
So I say- don’t decide yet. I don’t think there is anything wrong being the youngest in class, or even being only 4, if you think she is ready for all aspects of it (not just the academic), but fear not- if you don’t start her until later- she will not be the oldest one, as I said- at least 10 kids have turned six already and we are what? 2.5 months in?
Good luck
Thank you so much Michele. You’re right, I won’t decide just yet. I’m so glad your daughter is doing great! Good to hear that it’s not all about the actual age
I redshirted Sage. After much hand-wringing.
I was the youngest in my class. I was 17 my entire first semester of college.
Was I an honor student in high school? Yes. Did I make the dean’s list? Yes. Did I feel like I never quite fit in? Yes. Looking back, I wonder if it was because I was younger than everyone. I also developed later, so that wasn’t helpful.
What it came down to for us was did we want her to be “okay” and “fine” or did we want her to be a leader? We wanted her to be a confident girl, sure of her abilities. She is among the oldest in her class, but definitely not THE oldest. But when it comes time to compete for college against other kids around the country with the Sept. 1 cut-off, she will not be going against kids a year older than her.
This was our reasoning. The thing is, it’s very individual. You know your child best.
xo
Thanks so much Cheryl for sharing your experience. A lot of my thinking centers just around what you said, I don’t want her to just “get by” and be “fine”. I want her to thrive.
It’s so hard to know…
I had a son (who is 27 now) that we held back because he was so close to the deadline and we have always thought that was a good choice. He had a lot of advantages he wouldn’t have had otherwise.
I on the other hand was one of the youngest and can only wonder what may have been different had I had that extra year.
Although children don’t seem to pay attention to ages, in every one of my children’s classes the children gravitated towards the older ones as leaders.
I work with kindergarteners and there is usually a noticeable difference between the younger and older children. (Possibly more noticeable with boys but not always.) If not in academics then socially/ emotionally or both. The operative word is usually as it is not always the case.
As has been said, it depends on the child. Having 5 grown children now, I tend to err on the side of having them take their time to grow up and get out in that big world. They are only young once and we only have that time of greatest influence with them once.
I have read your blog and you know your stuff and I believe you will know what your motherly instinct tells you. I think it would be hard for me to have been a professional and not let that logic override my maternal wisdom. One is from “books” and the other from the heart. Your heart was your first teacher.
Best of luck with your decision!
Oh, I really love that Reyna…”your heart was your first teacher”. Thank you.
You raise a lot of really interesting questions. I did not read the article you referenced, but I get the general idea. My daughter will miss the cut off, and start Kindergarten when she is almost 6 (she has a late December birthday and kids here start at 5). I am actually happy about it, because she has a major speech disorder, and I feel like it gives her a chance to catch up and not have to be a special ed child. She is extremely bright and precocious. I would have no worries about her academically or socially. But I HATE the idea of her needing an IEP and having to deal with all that.
Bottom line is – no one knows your child better than you. And, I think the best thing we can do in a lot of these situations is follow our instincts. You’ll make the right decision, and she will be just fine.
Thanks Elizabeth. I’m glad your daughter will have some extra time before kindergarten. I’m hoping I’ll know what to do once the time comes…I really do.
Oh my word…I could write pages on this…oh wait – I already have – on my blog!
Here in Michigan, the Kdg cut off is Dec 1. So they can start at age 4 and turn 5 mid-year. I really wish that cut off was earlier.
We were dealing with a Nov. 25th birthday. just DAYS before that cut off. BUT…we added a lot more to that. I have Boy/Girl TWINS – so 2 kids to consider. Plus…they were preemies – 6 weeks early. Had they been born on their due date or even a week later, they’d have HAD to wait the year to start.
If I just had to base it on my daughter…I’d have probably started regular Kdg this year. She’s so smart but emotionally, has room to grow. if I had to base it on my son, I’d definitely have waited – he’s had motor delays and is on the lower end, academically.
I had been debating about this since they were 3. I’ve sought out fellow teachers’ opinions. Fellow Mom’s opinions. I’ve weighed the negative “red shirting” aspect.
My ultimate decision came down to just a couple things:
1. My aunt, whom I trust so very much, is a Kdg teacher and she said in her 30+ years experience, waiting that year always ends up being a good decision if you’re not sure.
2. That its easier to give my daughter extra stuff to challenge her than frustrate my son who might struggle to keep up.
3. They’re only 4. a VERY young 4…emotionally they could both use the year to grow. Even if I wait the year, they’ll still be likely in the mid age range next year.
4. Developmental Kdg. Our district has it and I requested that option for this year. We were allowed in and it’ll give them another year to grow but in a less pressured environment.
We’re a month into DK and they are doing well. I still wonder if we made the right decision…but this is where we’re at.
Good luck!
I love that your children are doing DK, sounds like a great option for them! We have something over here that is similar and I’m highly considering it for my daughter. That’s if we get in..it’s by lottery. Thanks so much for your experience and input. I need to go read your posts about it.
I wonder in what way she is not emotionally ready? Sending a child off to kindergarten or college is emotionally difficult for children and their parents, but I think it is important for her to know that you have no fears. You know she can do it. She’ll sense if that is not the case. If you have doubt, don’t do it. If you do send her, give her the facts as the situation demands rather than pointing out how her younger, smaller self is different.
There’s always Montessori which blends ages.
The best questions have no right answers.
I was a winter bday and skipped 4th grade. It all worked out.
What a wonderful and exciting milestone.
Wonderful points here. You are right, that my attitude toward it all will have a huge impact on her. Whatever decision we decide, we most definitely need to be comfortable with it. Thanks so much for your input!
I’m a Sept 10 baby and I did great through all my schooling. I excelled in my studies and did fine with my peers. I went at 4 and turned 5 at the beginning of the school year. I was the first birthday. : )
Your thoughts sound pretty well grounded to me. I say follow your instincts!
My daughter had the opposite problem. She’s a January birthday. The thought of her starting Kindergarten a few months shy of 6 seemed kind of strange–especially since she was reading at a third grade level when she was 4!
But we had no choice. Public schools don’t give you an option to start school early. Socially, my daughter lagged behind and needed the extra time.
My feeling is that it generally is better to give them the gift of time.
My birthday is mid-October, and I started kindergarten at age 4 and college at age 17. It certainly didn’t hurt me academically – I have a PhD and I’m in med school. And I’m pretty sure it didn’t hurt me socially either. And while I was among the youngest, I wasn’t the youngest and there were always several other kids with October and September birthdays. The age spread was just never a big deal. And considering that I started puberty on the early side of things (wearing a bra by the time I was 9!), I can only imagine that that would have been even more awkward if my parents had made me wait a year to start school.
I grew up in Calif with a Dec of Jan cut-off and I had many friends who started at age 4. Plus, kids never seems ti skip grades these days like when I was a kid. Here in GA the cut off is Sept 1. I have a nephew with an Aug b-day and his mom held him back but the boy next door had practically the same b-day and he went to K. My nephew was not happy he was held back and always told people what grade he was supposed to be in.
What I find interesting is that this decision to hold back is an “upper class” (for lack of a better word) decision. Many parents who work and pay for full-time pre-school or pre-K would not be choosing to keep their kids back. For many families, those children who are starting school when allowed need to be in a safe place such as school.
I went to kindergarten when I was four. I did not like it. I was fine academically, but as a girl, I was tortured for looking so different. I wasn’t as good in sports. I wish my parents had waited until I was five, not because of academics, but because of everything else. I am COMPLETELY going off my own experience, so take that into account!
I have b/g twins and seriously…they couldn’t be more different. They were born 12 days before the cut-off in our area. I have made the decision that I am going to hold them a year and I am at peace with that. There is no other time that I’ll be able to do it. They will be ready intellectually, but not developmentally in my opinion. The biggest thing that pops into my head when trying to make this decision? Having taught middle school and sitting through many conferences (mostly boys) and listening to their parents lament that they wish they had held them back a year in kindergarten…that’s right…9 years later, they were still regretting that decision. The other stuff? The physical development, the emotional capabilities, and the going off to college is just gravy. I can’t imagine sending two kids who JUST turned 18 off to college…not gonna happen.
The kids in PA must be 5 by August 31st, and the trend is to hold those with summer birthdays back. I’m not sure what the right decision is, but I would consult with her preschool teacher and see what she recommends!
[…] I’ve been waiting for it to kick in ever since I wrote about this dilemma back in October. […]
Just curious to know if you decided. I’ve been so on the fence about this with my daughter who will turn 5 on August 5th. She has so many friends in her pre-K class who are all going on and 3 have June, July, or September birthdays on which they will be 5. We have play dates constantly. I worry because she still has issues emotionally with her friends with not wanting to share, etc., but academically I think she will be fine. But I did have 2 friends over the day after I thought I had made the final decision to do pre-K again and she did great with them so I’m thinking now that maybe she would do fine in kindergarten. I worry about the future, also, and I just want to make the decision that will be best for her. I just want someone to tell me the answer!!! I don’t want to have to decide.