I think most of us know how a tantrum plays out…
Child wants something, it’s not appropriate, we distract or say “not now”, child becomes increasingly more upset, our heart rate starts to quicken because we sense the imminent storm…then it happens.
Our sweet child suddenly transforms into a screaming, crying, flailing mess.
We’re left bewildered, wondering what we did to provoke such an emotional meltdown.
Then, we remember, oh yeah, she’s two. Tantrums are pretty much par for the course.
Aside from weathering these storms and knowing that fatigue, hunger, over stimulation, and frustration are common tantrum triggers (no matter what the age), is there anything else we should know about tantrums?
Yesterday, on the NPR Health Blog, researchers revealed what they found after studying (listening to) over 100 tantrums. Yes, that’s right, they had these little tykes in a “bugged” onesie and as soon as a tantrum erupted, researchers were able to listen in and “deconstruct” these tantrums.
What they found was that tantrums definitely have a common rhythm and flow no matter what started the tantrum. They also found that mixed with anger and frustration…was sadness. What really got me was watching that video of the little girl having a meltdown. It actually brought me to tears. Because, as an objective bystander, I could see and hear the sadness in her.
I know, as parents, it’s hard to stay objective when it’s our own child. Tantrums always seem to happen at the most inopportune times….such as school parking lots, grocery stores…you name it. We just want it to be O.V.E.R. and will do just about anything to get it to stop. And usually? Empathy and patience are nowhere to be found.
However, next time your tot dissolves into one, take a step back and just watch.
Do nothing.
That’s right…nothing. Get earplugs if you need to. Knowing that your child’s tantrum will evolve on its own without any intervention and will actually evolve much more quickly without us trying to stop it, may help.
Apparently, the sooner your child gets over the angry part of her tantrum, the sooner she’ll reach out for comfort because all that’s left is the sadness. That is the time when you can re-engage and offer comfort and empathy to your child. According to the researchers, even asking your child questions (such as what do you want?) can prolong the tantrum when she’s in the midst of the terrible storm.
Wait. Watch.
Then, muster up all the empathy you can (even if this particular storm frayed your very last nerve) and comfort your child.
After all, most childhood tantrums are not a direct affront to you. They’re your child’s way of dealing with overwhelming emotions…and yes, it all gets better with time.
Have you had your fair share of tantrums lately? Does knowing this help the way you view your child’s tantrum?
We are starting to have tantrums again (at age 5!) after a beautiful tantrum free period. My approach has been to remove him from the area and when he is done, then we talk. But it is veery frustrating to have him revert back to this behavior.
I hear this a lot, about 5 year olds. I even wrote a post about it. It’s tough. They’ve got a lot of new experiences/emotions/expectations on their plate. Sounds like you’re handling it well. Here’s hoping this rough patch doesn’t last too long
Hmmm…started tantrums @ 2yo when he had visitations with his birth father…now that visitations are maybe 2-3 times a year, tantrums have subsided…UNTIL yesterday…full blown “IDON’TNEEDANAP” tantrum…here’s the kicker…my child will find ANYTHING he can bang into, fall onto, hurt himself on. I know he can only hurt so much…but wow, does it pain me to have to see this. Hoping it was a random fit…
I think I have earplugs in a drawer. I will have to dig them out.
Yes, go get them and watch your little one’s tantrum next time. I think the hardest part is NOT doing anything. Very hard. Good luck:)
I never even thought about sadness as an element of a tantrum. It kind of makes my heart melt. This is a very timely post for me as my daughter is just beginning the terrible twos.
I always tell parents that tantrums are actually a good thing. Tantrums are the end result of pent up stress, sadness, and frustration. Kids need to get their stress out, and this is how they do it. I read that study too…interesting 😉
Well heck, I learned this on my own. 😉 I give my daughter space, saying something like, “I can see you are really upset right now. Mommy will be in the other room; you let me know when you are ready for a hug.” Sometimes I put her in her room for a bit. When she’s calmed down, she’ll call for me or seek me out, and I’ll give her a hug and some encouraging words and we move on.
Wonderful Post! Just found yor site so I’m a little behind but love this one!
[…] Anatomy of a tantrum […]
A few months ago my 2 year old had a full blown breakdown screamathon. I (having a newborn and knowing she was under a lot of stress) tried to talk her down and distract her. After having no success I went in the den, door open, sat down and waited for her to calm down (not out of knowledge but out of desperation). We both cried in opposite rooms and eventually she calmed down enough to come and cry softly in my arms and we both were better
It was so emotionally draining but it was really good for both of us. I try to remember that when she’s having another breakdown.