From the trenches: 5 parenting strategies that work

In my most recent blog post, I vented about the maddening reality that parenting comes with no guarantees. It’s on those days when we’re sorting it all out, learning, and growing as parents that we question ourselves the most.

It’s inevitable and par for the course in the roller coaster ride that is parenting.

Highs, lows, terror, and joy are all part of it and even in the depths of my frustration I embrace it. Okay, I embrace it only after a good night’s sleep and writing about it.

We all move on…stronger and wiser having learned what does (or doesn’t) work for our own unique child.

And, in the last 6 1/2 years I’ve added some parenting strategies to my repertoire. Of course, they’re not 100% foolproof, but they sure help me and my children get through our days with less tension and frustration so we can enjoy the great moments. You know, the ones sprinkled throughout our often too busy and chaotic days.

So, here they are…in  no particular order: 5 parenting strategies that work. Tried, true, and tested by yours truly.

1.Give Choices: No doubt you’ve heard this one before. The great thing is, it really does work. From toddlerhood on up. Even my budding 7 year old still thrives on having choices. The wonderful thing about this strategy is that it’s a win win for parents and children. We give our children a choice between two acceptable options (peas or broccoli, PJs before or after brushing teeth). The point is not to add more work on your already time crunched day. It’s to give choices whenever we can. This helps our children feel more in control, feel heard, and thus…we are gifted by less whining and more cooperation.

2.Compassion. We may not always understand what sends our children into that downward spiral of a meltdown. However, we can show some compassion. Granted, when this happens in the midst of your Costco trip, compassion is nowhere to be found. What we can do is try our best to keep our own emotions in check. By stepping back, looking at the big picture, and putting ourselves in our child’s shoes…we can often see their side of the story. It may not stop that tantrum in its tracks, but it will ultimately make you and your child feel better sooner rather than later.

3.Fair Warning. One mistake I used to make when my son was around 12-15 months old, was simply plucking him up from one activity because it was time to eat, time for a nap, or time for a diaper change. It’s no wonder I was met with crying and resistance. I didn’t give him fair warning. Looking back, I can’t believe I did that. Our children respond incredibly well when they know what to expect. By talking to them, explaining what we need to do, and giving that 2 minute warning that it’s time to change direction…we are allowing them time to prepare for the next activity.

I see now how true this is even for infants. When in clinic and examining a baby or toddler…they are much more calm and receptive to me when I explain what I am doing rather than just going straight in to the exam.

4.Positive Reinforcement. This is a big one. Praising our children during times when they are sharing, using their indoor voices, using their nice words, etc…pays off in the long run. It’s much better than having to punish or say “don’t do that” over and over again. Taking this a step further, I like reward systems (aka bribes). Why? Because they work. They’re fun and they get children to take responsibility for their actions. Of course, they don’t work in any and all scenarios. When appropriate, like needing encouragement for potty training or help staying in bed…they can work wonders.

5.Listen, validate, then explain. This is a strategy I learned when my son was a toddler. Toddlers don’t always make sense to us. That’s because they primarily function using their right brain (aka, they are highly ruled by their emotions) whereas, we can summon on our left brain to put it all into perspective. By the way, the book Whole Brain Child is a fascinating and helpful read.

What this means for us parents is if we can meet them at their level by listening and validating those strong emotions (“I know you want that cookie, you are so mad right now”), then once the storm has passed we have opened the door that leads to our end of the deal…explaining.

Magic? No. But it helps tremendously in conveying to our little ones that we hear them and that their feelings are valid.

This works for all ages. Ultimately, kids just want to know that we “get it” and that their feelings are okay. After that, we can move on to the why of our parenting rules.

Now for the bonus parenting strategy…laughter is the best medicine. (I just couldn’t resist that cliche)

What is parenting without silliness and laughter? When all else fails try to see the humor (or absurdity) of the moment…we all know there are plenty of them. Besides, we know we aren’t perfect, we know our children aren’t perfect…but heck, we love our little mini-mes to the moon and back. And they, us.

So, at the end of the day, I always ask myself if I feel good about how I parented. Was I able to show enough compassion while setting appropriate limits and boundaries? At times, like the other night for me, clarity isn’t so forthcoming. But you know what? There’s always tomorrow, and with that comes growth…for both you and your children.

What are your go to parenting strategies? Please share!