This was a question posed to me by a mom in clinic recently. She had her hands full with a very active and independent toddler (aren’t they all?) and was wondering how I felt about spanking.
I won’t beat around the bush here…my answer was, and is, a resounding No. Not ever. Not even a swat on the bottom.
I asked her how she felt about spanking and she admitted she was conflicted. She thought it worked but didn’t feel good about it. We talked some more, especially about ways to set limits, boundaries, and parent her child without resorting to spanking. She seemed confident that she could try other techniques.
I was incredibly grateful (and a bit surprised) that she openly discussed this with me. These conversations between pediatricians/parents and even parent to parent are few and far between. The issue seems akin to don’t ask, don’t tell and let’s just sweep it under the rug.
And, if recent studies are accurate indicators, up to 65% of parents spank their children. Yikes.
So, we should be talking about it. Many parents who do spank, often admit they wish they didn’t “have” to. In other words, they were at a loss on how to stop undesirable behaviors without resorting to spanking. Furthermore, many of us can recall being spanked as children. It was an accepted form of discipline in previous generations, and we’re just fine, aren’t we?
Even so, study after study reveals what seems logical to me…violence begets violence. It’s simple really. Toddlers who are consistently spanked, don’t actually end up behaving “better” in the long run. On the contrary, they become more aggressive and are prone to hitting when they themselves become frustrated or angry.
And of course, I want my children to listen, be kind, not hit, and keep them safe…I just don’t see spanking as a useful way to do that. In any way, shape, or form. Sure, it may intimidate your child and perhaps temporarily stop a certain behavior out of fear. But, is this what we really want…for our children to fear us?
I hope that most of us are saying NO.
In my moments of greatest frustration and disappointment in my children, for instance when one of them deliberately hurts the other or when, as a toddler, they have darted toward a crowded parking lot; I would be lying if I didn’t admit to momentarily wondering if a swift swat to the bottom was in order.
Instead, I got down to their level, eye to eye, and firmly reprimanded the undesirable behavior. I let them know how sad/mad/scared their behavior made me and made it clear they were never to do it again.
I used my words.
Something we often expect and encourage our children to do.
We are parents…human and fallible. We are also parents who want more than anything to be the best possible parent we can be. Not perfect, but always striving for growth and understanding.
I wonder, if more parents took spanking off the table when it came to their disciplinary strategies, would the absence of it cultivate exactly this…more growth as a parent, more understanding of children, and a greater connection between parents and children?
I clearly believe so…what do you think?
What are your thoughts on spanking? Yay, nay, or it depends? I would love an open and honest discussion here…
Pin It
I thought I would be fine with spanking, and so did my husband. After all, as you point out above, we had the “We were spanked and we’re OK” attitude. Did it once and knew I never wanted to do it again. So we have taken it off the table as an option. We are struggling with our preschooler, but we try all the other discipline measures we can think of, with an emphasis on positive parenting. Great article, Melissa!
Thanks Elizabeth. It crossed my mind twice as a parent. I remember those two instances vividly. Because it made me think…I would have only done it out of overwhelming emotion. Both my child and I took a breather in those instances, and I came back to the situation much better prepared to discuss and teach.
I had a similar situation with the parking lot and I felt obligated to ensure my child never did it again. At 3 he did not posess the abilitt to understand that those actions could result in death but he did understand that doing things mommy says are big dangers gets me a spanking.
I believe, as with everything, you have to parent to each individual child. Also, you should never, in any situation, whether spanking or reprimanding verbally, act out of anger.
That said, yes, I have spanked one of my children. Only one. I don’t play favorites. I just was able to talk to my son and explain why I didn’t like his behavior. Even at 3 he would listen and adjust. My daughter, however, required more stringent discipline to encourage her to change her behavior.
My method: tell the child she will receive a spanking, walk away and take a deep breath, then return and deliver the spanking. I would always pray when I walked away — God, please never allow me to touch my child out of anger.
I feel this worked for me and for my situation. My daughter is now 8 and shows no signs of violence. Nor has she ever. She is a darling child and has never feared me. She is a strong-willed child. My spanking did not change that {as I would never have wanted it to}. It did, however, set boundaries with her that she was able to learn not to cross. By age 5 I turned to other methods as she grew and understood the consequences of her behavior.
As with all individual methods of discipline there is a right and wrong way to go about it. You can intimidate and belittle your child with words just as easily as you can spark fear in a child with a cruel touch. I think it is short-sighted to suggest that any one way is right or wrong when you can clearly discipline inappropriately no matter how you go a bout it.
Thank you Amy for sharing your insight here. I was hesitant to voice my strong opinion on this matter since I tend to be able to see both sides of most issues and like with most parenting issues, you are right…there is no one right way. I am very sensitive to the reality that every child is unique and different and comes with their own temperament and thus, requires different parenting strategies.
I also realize that verbal abuse is just as bad as physical and I would never condone belittling or shaming a child. Which, unfortunately is how I see spanking…kind of shaming and humiliating to the child. BUT, it’s a big but here…I know and respect many parents (family and friends included) who do see spanking as a form of discipline. And they are fantastic parents. So…as you pointed out, there is some stigma attached to spanking. And we all know that spanking can so clearly go wrong.
I had this discussion with my husband last night b/c I was trying to understand how spanking can actually be done without anger. I was having difficulty with that concept. He pointed out that as a child, he went to a Christian school that used spanking/swats as punishment. And, yes, he got quite a few. But, he said he didn’t feel the teacher did it in anger…it was a result of after 3 warnings/transgressions that was the punishment that was doled out.
Guess I could see that. However, at that point…I guess there are so many other options other than spanking. Privileges taken away, turning it around and offering positive reinforcement instead, etc.
Again, Amy this is just my opinion, a mom asked for it and I dared to shared it with my readers. I don’t judge and I do look at the big picture of parenting. A parent who doesn’t spank but belittles, shames, and says hurtful things to a child is engaging in a form of child abuse in my opinion. So, I know, when it comes to spanking it is just one piece of the parenting puzzle.
As an adult, when you calmly plan out violence, it increases the severity of the charges (at least in the US). Why is it better to hit your child ‘calmly’?
I understand where the thought comes from – we generally don’t like causing our children pain, so we rationalize our approach. Spanking in anger is retaliation, but if I’m calm, it’s for a long term gain.
Parents may feel judged for spanking. I think most people who advocate absolutely no spanking are compassionate and understand no one is perfect. You feel bad and your child feels bad and there ARE other options. We don’t punish in our house, yet I’ve still hit my child. We all make mistakes. And hopefully I taught her something positive in how I handled it after I cooled down.
Spanking is often seen as a ‘last resort’ and to me, that just means you don’t have enough resources. My daughter is high-needs, strong willed, and very intelligent. A lot like me. I battled my parents constantly. They definitely felt the need to spank me. A lot. I don’t need to spank my daughter because I have different ways to interact with her. My mom has told me she wished she had known what I do now, because that’s how she would have done it.
Amy,
I’m 100% in agreement with you. Well said. Like you, I do NOT agree with any type of discipline or punishment be done out of anger, ever.
I also agree that some children WILL respond to a firm talking to, others won’t. They will test you and push you and are bold enough to challenge their boundaries unless it’s absolutely clear what is and what is not tolerated. For some this message is sent in different ways.
I can tell you I was spanked as a child and anyone who knows me knows that violence is not something I care for or participate in. Every single time I got a spanking as a child, I knew exactly why and that I deserved it. I knew I had done wrong and that that would be the consequence. It never felt unfair, it never felt like I was being put down or beat up. I never felt shamed or humiliated either. I knew I was wrong and I had a consequence because if it. I liked that it lasted just a split second and was done. Over. I made a mistake, paid the consequence, and both my parents and I moved on (me making better decisions and being more responsible than before).
Honestly, some of the “words” parents use when trying to verbally “discipline” their children attack their self esteem and worth far greater than a simple spank on the butt ever could.
I’ve seen parents that don’t spank their kids basically just sound like a “friend” who’s mad at them. They go on and on, back and forth, trying to verbally prove their point while their child constantly answers back and discounts everything they say and both get angrier and angrier by the second. So, like Amy, I don’t simply agree that spanking is “wrong” and words are “best.” There a proper ways to use both and there are highly inappropriate and ineffective ways to use both.
Like Amy, I have spanked some of my children more than others (I have 6). Very rarely do I ever resort to spanking as a first option. There is also lots of communication and explanation between us and the kids so that we know the messages are clear and they understand what’s going on and why.
Melissa: IMHO most toddlers won’t understand a “privilege” being taken away. What privileges do toddlers have that you can take away while they will accurately tie to something they did wrong? I agree with positive reinforcement. I think that’s something many, many, many parents overlook and under-use. I believe kids learn fastest when you are consistent and you clearly show them what behaviors are not okay as well as what behaviors ARE okay. When it’s “black and white” like that, especially at young ages, feedback for both, things get clear real fast.
Of course, privileges being taken away for a toddler won’t work. It has to be age-appropriate. IMHO, toddlers need us to listen and empathize before we can send them our parenting message. And absolutely, shameful/hurtful words can be just as damaging. I believe in respecting our children…so that, nor spanking, jives with respect in my opinion.
No, I do not think spanking is ever ok, and I really question the thought process of parents who justify spanking one or more of their children. We have a willful, exuberant, energetic almost 3 year old son. I can honestly say I’ve never even been tempted to spank him, because I have armed myself with many other methods of discipline. If I need a moment to collect myself, I take it, and I decide what I am going to do to help him learn. As his mom, that’s my job. And I firmly believe that if I spank him or give him any form of physical discipline, he is learning that violence is ok.
Ditto to everything Amy said. My two children are night and day, and they require different means of discipline. I was spanked when I was a child, my parents meant me no harm, I respected them and did not fear them, and I am not a violent adult nor was I ever a violent child. My children will be spanked when necessary, but I will always communicate verbally first and spank as a last resort and not out of anger.
How anyone can justify spanking a child is beyond me. Funny enough, I have a post on this scheduled for later in the week. The other long term outcomes for children who are spanked? Low self-esteem, anxiety, depression, and drug/alcohol use. It’s hard to find the benefits. Use your words, parents.
I’ll be looking forward to reading your post Katie. Thank you.
I’m a spanker. I was spanked as a child & it’s what I know. Honestly, I’m one of those people that wishes I didn’t, though. I’m spanking my older children (4yr & 7yr) much less lately because I’ve found other things that work. Like writing letters or sentences among other things. But for my 2.5yr son I’m at a loss. He is ornery, to say the least. Nothing phases him other than spanking,& that doesn’t work too well either. It feels like he’s out of control most of the time. Do you have any suggestions? I’m willing to try to change.
I think between the ages of 2-3 can often be the most challenging. Toddlers speak a different language! That doesn’t mean they are bad…they are just impulsive and ruled by their right brain. I often encourage parents to focus on positive discipline instead. Praise for good behavior (BTW, see my previous post), listen to them (even if they make no sense), and repeat back to them what you think they’re feeling (crazy but it works)…then once they feel you “get” them…explain your parenting rules (be brief) and move on. A couple of great books to read…The Happiest Toddler on the Block and The Whole Brain Child. I think sometimes as parents when we are most at our wits end…it often just takes a little tweak of our perspective to see things new again. Thanks for sharing Amber and good luck with your rambunctious toddler!
Thank you for you response. I’ll try your suggestions & see how it goes.
Having raised 7 kids, this is definitely an issue we spent a lot of time thinking and researching about. It was a form of discipline I never felt comfortable with. My children actually received very few spankings in their childhood, and we have talked about it in recent years. I always viewed resorting to spanking as a failure in my parenting. Every time I ended up spanking my children, I apologized and told them how I should have handled the situation differently. I gave them permission to voice their feelings as well. We came up with a plan for “next time” so we both held a part in how to make changes. Even little bitty kids have great ideas and are often harder on themselves than I would have ever chosen to be!
I think the real issue is when parents no longer have this tool…when they choose not to use this…they need concrete parenting ideas which work.It is very easy for an over whelmed parent to fall back on this because it is swift and usually effective in the short term. Many parents view no spanking as no discipline and then you end up with unruly kids!
In the long run I feel it produces fear and anxiety in the child and that is counterproductive for building a good solid relationship into the teen years.
I think most parents are trying to raise conscientious, well behaved, kind people…and they may have religious or family views which support the idea of spanking being acceptable and preferred.
I spent a lot of time researching biblical ideas on this and found a lot of myth and interpretation to be behind the proponents of spanking. Once I researched the science behind how it effects children, and other means of effective parenting, any and all spanking fell to the way side.
Bottom line I think it is the worst type of “tool” in the parenting tool box…and I want to do my very best for my kids!
Thanks Kimber for such a thoughtful response. I too, often hear the bible verse, “spare the rod, spoil the child” as back up for parents who do spank. And, unfortunately, as you pointed out, some people do see the absence of spanking as not disciplining a child and that must result in anarchy!
There are so many other ways to parent and set limits and boundaries for children. And, as you pointed out, a strong parent/child connection is the foundation for making parenting work. Spanking seems only to chip away at that foundation.
What are your go-to parenting “tools”? I listed my top 5 in my previous post (my children are 4 and 6).
We had three guidelines posted in the house
Do not hurt self
DO not hurt other
Do not hurt things
It covered everything. We did a lot of discussing things. If I grounded my kid…it wasn’t your standard removal of privileges…it meant “yes you can go to the movie and I will take you…sit with you through the movie and take you home” I viewed when my children violated our guidelines they needed more time with us
When an older child violated our no tobacco policy …they wrote a paper on it. If they began bickering and fighting they obviously had too much energy and I sent them outside to run
They still love to run to this day. If they made a mess…we cleaned it up together.
When my teens push the boundaries too far and it is creating chaos for the household, we hold a family meeting and a behavior plan is drawn up. Everyone gets involved in this household. My son had to ride to school with his brothers and eat lunch with them every day for a school year, as he had put himself into a dangerous situation and broken our trust. There was no resentment…his brothers were willing to be “his keeper” because they care about him…and he had a school year of practicing good choices before he was back out on his own again.
With small children the key is making sure they are redirected when are acting out. Trying to avoid circumstances where you know they may not handle it well (ie taking them somewhere they are required to be quiet or sit still too long)
I’d like to point out that “spare the rod, spoil the child is not in the bible” though many people quote it. It does say “He who spares the rod hates his son, but he who loves him is careful to discipline him” I had this verse explained to me as “the rod” being spoken of is not a tool for hitting but the staff used by shepherds to direct a sheep or hook on to a sheep’s foot in order to keep them safe. Shepherds don’t beat their sheep. Also to Discipline comes from the root…to disciple which means to teach. So those parents who don’t watch out for their children as a shepherd does over the flock of their sheep hates their child. Those who love their children teach them. I always like that.
I think parenting requires creativity. Each age and stage comes with unique challenges and we never stop learning as parents. I love the internet and all the resources available right at our fingertips…makes my job easier when I need new ideas …particularly when we run into a snag!
It’s the hardest and most wonderful job I ever had!
My girls have been fighting recently & I’ve been trying to figure out some way to stop that habit. I’ve already talked over & over with them about being nice to eachother but it continues. I’m going to try the running! Thanks!
Great topic! Out of my 4 girls they all required different methods of discipline due to the fact they were all born with different temperaments. I believe somewhere along the line someone confused the term “discipline” with “abuse” and the two should never be compared. #1. Never spank a child out of anger, it is best to put the child in time out calm down and let the nerves calm down. #2 Spanking is always last resort but at times may be needed when the message is just not getting across but a light firm tap on the butt(not to be confused with hauling off on a child out of anger)and only the behind(that’s why God gave us natural padding on the behind;) I do not believe parents who choose this form of discipline should be criticized or judged or looked down upon for choosing how to discipline as long as it is done with love in the best interest of the child and their is triple the love being given back. I too had to spank a few times and none of my girls have ever had a problem hitting any other children or being aggressive. I was always told how well behaved my children were by strangers and friends. Whatever the choice I pray it is being done with the right judgment, temperament and always in the name of “LOVE”
You are right, discipline and abuse are NOT synonymous. I also don’t believe spanking=abuse either. I just believe in a gentler approach to discipline and to focus on positive ways to parent. I know fantastic parents who I love and admire (you included) who felt spanking was necessary, and they have fantastic kids (yours included)! But, still I have to say…if anyone were to ask me (and they do), I’d say no to spanking
With all due respect. XO
Melissa,
I’m glad you took the time to bring up this topic. I have thought many a times to write about this topic, but have hesitated due to what a difficult topic it is to talk in writing alone without a full discussion on what’s going on in each family. However, I do frequently ask parents at well child visits about their discipline approaches in hopes that we could have an open and helpful discussion on it. With my patient population, spanking is common, and I am thankful many of the parents do talk with me about this. However, I think this topic is so taboo for many others, which is unfortunate. So again, thanks for bringing it up.
I will stick out my neck here for a bit and share that, yes, I have spanked on two occasions. On one occasion, my son (then 18 months) had been increasingly testing his limits with running into the street. He had turned it into a game. We spent a lot of time talking about danger, as well as trying to avoid opportunities for him to go bolting into the street (knowing that he was simply still too young to understand). One time he ran off giggling, looking back at our warnings but only to run away faster. We live at an intersection of curvy streets that makes it hard to visualize cars driving up. I ran after him, brought him immediately into the house, and told him without yelling or anger that he would be spanked for disobeying. He cried, but it was quick, brief, and I held him close afterwards to talk more about danger and the hurtful consequences of danger. I will say that it did feel “right” at the time, because there was no anger and it was a clear consequence related to a danger that you would normally not want your little one to experience as a consequence. He has never run away like that again.
The other time I spanked him… it happened out of anger and I felt awful about it. I did not see any benefit in it. I learned from that, recognizing my limits and making a plan for myself when anger is driving me rather than a focused calm approach to discipline.
The two very different experiences of spanking really reminds me why this is such a difficult topic to discuss, especially when you also incorporate different cultural mindsets and values. Spanking does not equate to abuse, however it can be a slippery slope depending on what the parent’s perspective and attitude is. As a rule, I don’t encourage it (not even for myself), because you never know what the dynamics are in a household, all the temperaments and personalities in play, AND it’s also hard to know your own limits of self-control as a parent. With that said, I also do personally know parents who spank in a limited and controlled manner, but who have also balanced it with a household that is overflowing in love, acceptance, and self-worth. Their kids are not at all violent or angry anxious sociopaths.
When all the other disciplinary approaches are used, rarely should there ever be an instance when spanking is useful. I have not spanked since those two incidents; other ways of guiding and teaching my kids have been sufficient especially now that they are both quite verbal.
If spanking is being used on a consistent basis, I usually try to ask and discuss with the parents I see: What are you expecting to achieve out of it? Are you reacting to something at the time, or do you have a clear plan of approach for discipline and parenting? What do you think your child is learning from it? Do you think this helps your child truly make choices in the long run with wisdom and sincerity, or simply with fear?
Ultimately, when an open discussion is offered without immediately labeling it as abusive or horrifying, then there are real opportunities to empower each other and encourage each other. I’m not surprised 65% of parents spank. What is more telling is the probably miniscule percentage of parents willing to discuss it with their pediatrician, or feel that their pediatrician would be willing to have a caring heart-to-heart chat about this. Hopefully this can change.
Thanks for the discussion.
Thank you Yolanda for such a thoughtful and right on comment. This could be a post for your site. I too have been wanting to write on this topic, for over a year now! There are so many factors and nuances at play here that you so eloquently point out. I realize my post is brief and over simplistic. I did want to be honest about my opinion without sounding judgmental, because I am truly not. I don’t know if I accomplished that? I have had very few moms openly discuss this with me, but when they do, it’s always rewarding. My hope is that more parents will…and that more pediatricians and healthcare providers will listen and have that “heart to heart”.
I wish I could say I have never spanked. But it would be a lie. I think nearly every parent is going to reach a moment where they have either A) completely exhausted every other option and are hopeless or B) lashed out in frustration and fatigue and sometimes yes, even immaturity. To prevent myself from getting to A or B, I have implemented a rule for myself. If I find myself getting to point A which inevitably leads to point B, I either hand off to hubs so that someone with a fresh perspective can deal with the situation or if that option is not possible I tell my child that mommy needs some time so we are both going to take a few minutes to calm down. It’s not a perfect solution, but it does help take the heat off a little bit. And it ensures that I am not doing anything out of anger. Now, in my opinion, a child putting themselves into danger (ie, darting out into traffic) is a perfectly acceptable moment for a swat on the bottom. But even that only works if those moments are few and far between. Like with yelling, if you constantly raise your voice, your children will learn to tune you out.
Great topic!
I completely have to say I understand where your coming from. If it gets to a point where im heated i tell my child mommy is going to walk away i need to time to think. So, if its a matter of just 30 seconds or so and thats what it taked for me to gather my thougths and redirect the situation then thats it. It works everytime, I calm down and my child calms down. They know if mommy is so upset she has to walk away, then they know its gone too far. LOL and most of the time we are all tired and/or hungry coming home from work and preschool, we all just need to to relax, eat and unwind.
The only time I give my son a (single) swat is when he is directly defiant, and I prefer to save it for occasions where he put himself in possible danger because of his defiance. This leads to—I don’t know—one swat in a month’s time? Maybe two? Time outs seem to work for him, as do a simple stern voice, so I’d rather not use the swats. And I make sure not to swat out of anger. If I feel angry enough to hit him, then we BOTH get a time out!
Im stuck on this. I have swatted my son (2 1/2) but have stopped! Nothing phases him! I read your paragraph where you tell parents to use our words… I’m going to keep trying….but honestly, this kid has no fear!! This past Sunday I witnessed a father “spank” his daughter which seemed 2. It was a very hard rough spank…. I was appalled! I wanted to spank this father!!!
I would like more more more on this! I don’t want to hurt my son, even in discipline. I need more choices in discipline.
Dawn, toddlers are tough…they’re rambunctious, impulsive, emotional…all that. They really toughen us up as parents because it’s at this age where we truly see who we are as parents. It’s a great time of learning for parents and toddlers alike! First, repeat after me…you are a great mom. Then, see my previous post about my top 5 parenting strategies. And, I’m serious…toddlers are ruled by their right brain and we have to somehow manage to communicate with them at that level. Two books I love on this…The Happiest Toddler on the Block (great and easy to read) and The Whole Brain Child. I often find it’s our perspective as parents, that if we can tweak in the positive direction, makes all the difference in the world. I will write more posts on this Dawn. Good luck Mama!
Great topic! I sometimes have a hard time NOT spanking, but it’s important to me to model good behavior and teach my daughter to use her words, as you mentioned.
Anyway, my daughter would only hit me back. She’s strong. Ow! ;P
Our daughter is almost 18 months old and to this date, we have never had any reason to spank her. I can’t foresee any reason why we ever would outside of our own frustration and anger, which is the worst of all reasons to ever spank a child. While non-corporal discipline techniques require patience, persistence, and effort, we have found that they do work and I feel that we have a healthier relationship with our child as a result.
Corporal punishment seems so simialr to the emotional manipulation found in some abusive, adult relationships with that cycle of physical punishment, victim blaming, and reconciliation. This may be tenuous, but perhaps if corporal punishment were eliminated, there would be much fewer instances of abused wives (and husbands) when those children reach adulthood?
My son is 4.5 years old, and I can say with confidence and happiness that I have never spanked him or even come close to it. I was spanked regularly as a child, and I remember the pain, the humiliation, and how it negatively impacted how I saw the parent who spanked me. I don’t buy the, “I was spanked, and I’m okay” thinking….at all. The fact that one raises their hand to another human being means the person is not alright. That is called physical assault. Would you feel differently if your husband raised his hand to you? So it’s okay for us to hit our children but not for us to hit our spouses. I see it as not hitting any human being…ever. It’s really quite simple.
I am totally against any form of spanking, but I have to admit that have spanked my 2,5 year old daughter a few times lately, out of pure frustration. I am so ashamed of it. She will hit me, pull my hair and spit on me, without any reason. I have tried all technics suggested by AP forums and websites, but nothing seems to work. I believe it is wrong to tell my daughter she can’t hit people and I would do the same to her. Honestly, I am lost at this point. It also doesnt help that my husband is not against spanking and he disagrees with my parenting style.
At this point I am just hoping that this is just a phase and things will improve in time.
Nancy, you might want to check out ahaparenting.com for some ideas. I’ve used a lot of her ideas in dealing with my spirited 3yo. I try to get out of the way when she’s lost control and say “it’s ok to be mad. It’s not ok to hit” She knows this, but emotions just take over sometimes, just like they do with us.
It might be helpful for you to ask your husband to see it from your child’s point of view. What is being learned (not what you’re trying to teach, but what she actually gets out of it)? What is your goal? Is there another way to get there?
Tantrums are about emotions and forcing them to end teaches your child some emotions aren’t ok. Stuffed emotions tend to erupt, as well. Experiencing emotions lets them dissipate. Laughter is also a good way to get strong emotions out.
Nancy, I know it is tough. Don’t feel bad for doing your best. There is a reason you are the parent, and they are the child. You must establish that boundary. You are mom, not their playmate. I suggest, what every you decide, stick to your guns and allow no compromise in their behavior. Try not to spank a child that young, because they don’t fully understand it’s meaning just yet. Try taking favorite toys (never to return). It’s harsh, but you are laying the foundation of this childs life, and you want no cracks in it. Good luck
is it ok to hit anyone else in our society?
if we call it what it is – HITTING – rather than “swatting” or “spanking”, does it still sound ok?
teachers can’t hit children as a means of guidance. why is it ok for parents?
in what other loving relationship do you strike the person you love?
physical violence ONLY happens when one person wants to control another and feels out of control. maybe if more people acknowledged it is fundamentally impossible to control another person they wouldn’t get so frustrated when it doesn’t work.
spanking is inappropriate. always. every time. no excuses.
http://articles.cnn.com/2008-08-20/us/corporal.punishment_1_corporal-punishment-students-children-spanked-us-schools/2?_s=PM:US
Unfortunately teachers do this too..
I don’t understand – most of us wouldn’t dream of hitting our friends or partners, work colleagues or doctor every time they wouldn’t listen or do what we wanted (although we may like to at times!) So how is it ok to hit someone who is so small and defenseless, a person we love with all our heart? I was abused as a child so my viewpoint is influenced by this. If I ever see a parent spank their child I cry and feel an impulse to hit the parent. A smack here and there is not abuse, but we have no idea how that “odd spank” makes our children feel because they cannot communicate with us in adult language. It seems from the responses same parents who do this feel bad themselves too. And what if spanking stops working, then what? Does a spank even work with say, a 12 year old? There are very few things I hold strong views on but smacking/spanking a child is one of them. Ask yourself as an adult, is that what you would want to happen to you every time you did something your parents didn’t like?
Absolutely never okay. I’m not from the US and I’m quite shocked to see how acceptable this is here. 65 %??? Really. How can you expect your child not to hit, if you hit.
“When a child hits a child, we call it aggression. When a child hits an adult, we call it hostility. When an adult hits an adult, we call it assault. When an adult hits a child, we call it discipline.” — Haim G. Ginot
I am so happy to see more and more people writing about spanking, and how it is not good for children. I continue to be very disturbed by people justifying hitting EVER, EVER, EVER. I was spanked, I turned out fine. AND, it sends the wrong message on every level. AND punitive punishment of any kind has been shown to be adverse. Neurologically it makes to sense to inflict pain to gain compliance: in anger or NOT: it makes no difference. Please read the research before you decide that a certain child, strong-willed or not gets hit. That is what it is: HITTING.
Every time I go shopping I see kids using foul language and have no respect for anyone. Your kind of thinking is what is destroying America. We have issues now with children that we never had during my generation. What is your answer to this? More time outs!
Wow, really? Showing our children respect and compassion is destroying America? With all due respect, I think you absolutely have it backwards.
Times have changed and people (hopefully) continue to evolve. My almost 4 year old son has NEVER been: hit, smack, spanked, yelled at, OR given a time out. He is smart, well bevahed, confident and generally pleasant to be around. Children who never hear foul language or a disrepectful tone will have no opportunity to learn such things. Our country is a mess because parents are unappreciated, unsupported and therefore lose their good thinking and flexibility when interacting with children thus setting multiple bad examples on multiple levels.
I have never, and would never, spank my son (2.5) or my daughter (just a baby still). BUT, I totally I have wanted to wack that cute little bum of his! ONLY, that’s because I have been angry, NOT because I think it is a good idea/effective discipline. I just can’t IMAGINE how my son would look at me after I have purposefully hurt him. It would be horrible. I don’t think I could bear it. I was spanked as a child (once) and I thought it was a horrible terrible injustice and that it was shameful and awful and wrong. I also did not do what I was spanked for. So that made it worse. But as kids we lived in fear of a “licken'”. And as soon as I was old enough to be too big to be spanked I snuck around and did all sorts of things I wasn’t supposed to!
Great post! I too don’t see any reason to spank a child. Although, with our first very strong-willed son we made a mistake of spanking him a few times when he was a toddler. Looking back I really regret those moments now. There were probably much better ways to handle those situations, but us being first-time parents we didn’t know better.
Also, in my experience, it is almost impossible to spank when you are not angry. I think if you are not angry or frustrated with your child, when you have a good hold on your own emotions, you’ll always find a better way to handle a situation.
I enjoy open discourse on controversial issues such as this. And I am one who can handle others openly disagreeing. It does not make me in the least bit uncomfortable.
What I do not enjoy, however, but which seems inevitable, is when women judge other women. And the worst is when you say “I’m not judging” but then proceed to judge by using words such as “never” or “always”. As if anything is that black or white. No one will ever convince me an issue as broad as disciplining children is black or white, and thus, words such as “never” or “always” are simply misplaced. And it is indeed judging if you say discipline method X “never” has a place and there is “always” a better way. That is as clear as saying your method is wrong and mine as right. That, at it’s very essence, is judgmental.
I so wish women could have conversations such as these and simply encourage one another. It’s healthy to disagree and be exposed to different perspectives. It takes it to another level, though, when one suggests a child who was spanked may one day be a drug addict because of it. I’m guessing more than a few spankings lead to such issues.
I’m a little nervous engaging in this discourse with you…you being an attorney and all!
However, you did give me moment to pause about my use of the word “never”. I rarely, to never, use such terms when it comes to the wild world of parenting and I’m tired of the old mommy wars and judging each other. Then, I had to be honest with myself…there are 3 “nevers” in my parenting files and they are exactly this:
I will never hit my children.
I will never call my children stupid, lazy, or some other derogatory word.
I will never put my child into a car without the proper carseat or booster.
Everything else is pretty much shades of grey, and can change from day to day. So, when a parent asks me for advice (as this mom did) and it so happens to be one of my “nevers”…I’m definitely going to say so. And, I really do say this with the deepest respect and honesty.
I’ll save the cross-examinations for the courtroom.
That’s all quite fair. I appreciate you trying to walk a line while standing up for something you feel strongly about.
halleluiah, Amy. I appreciate your comment here and hope others will read and take a moment to reflect on the message.
It isn’t useful at all (for the judge or judged) to engage is a conversation laden with “never” and “always.” Not unless the goal is to make yourself feel better at the expense of understanding others and true openness. Believe me, I am not remotely advocating hitting as a form of punishment– especially not a child — but nor do I have any desire to waste precious time (we are parents, we’re busy. Very busy) engaging in a discourse that reeks so blatantly of divisive judgment.
Ask yourself the next time you are at the park, restaurant or supermarket and see a frazzled parent, juggling kids and grocery shopping at the end of a long, hard day at work, impatiently snapping at her kids: Would it help her feel supported for one short minute if I tried to make eye contact and gave her a knowing, sympathetic smile? Or casually said to her in the cereal aisle, “It’s hard sometimes, isn’t it? Hang in there, the day’s almost over, mom!” Something compassionate instead of this moral self-stroking that’s happening here?
Where’s the compassion in your arguments, ladies? Buried too deeply, it seems to me.
Thank you Laura for seeing the forest through the trees. We are all allowed to disagree on a variety of issues. It can, however, be done it much less judgmental ways. I’m not trying to debate the issue — I will not convince anyone to understand my point of view nor do I necessarily think they should – but I am trying to make people realize that using such strong certain words in their comments is judgmental and detrimental to many mothers’ psyche.
I am a proud attachment parent and devoted mother who practices non-violence and has never hit anyone, ever (except a sibling or two in my adolescent years, but that doesn’t quite count… sorry, sibs!). However, what I cannot stand more than anything are self-righteous, “like-minded” parents (and mom’s seem to have a special ability in this regard)judging other parent’s. It happens so much here, I’ve soured to this community.
Let’s be honest, folks: Parenting is a hard job. Sometimes it’s actually ass-kicking and tear-inducing. And it can present unique challenges if you care about doing it well and consciously.
So, imagine yourself in the shoes of an exhausted, overworked, at-the-end-of-their-rope parent who might act out of that frustration in a desperate moment. Haven’t YOU ever felt like that? Haven’t we ALL?
To the author and the many commenter’s here: Try for a moment to use your big brains to imagine a world where our children get to grow up and we get to parent our beloved little ones without the judging finger-wagging of our fellow parent community. Really. This self-righteous crap is old and, again, isn’t this job hard enough?
Laura,
If my post was titled “Is it ever okay to yell at your children?” then your remarks would be completely understandable and justified. Yes, we have ALL been there…been THAT frustrated, and we ALL care that much. BUT…we’re talking about spanking here, something far more serious than simply losing our patience and snapping at our children.
We all have our parental line in the sand, and I guess mine is spanking. It doesn’t make be a better parent. It doesn’t make any of us a better parent. I’m wise enough to know the many shades of grey and the ups and downs that come with parenting…I’ve still got a LONG way to go.
I also don’t think that my voicing my opinion negates compassion or understanding of other moms and I would encourage any of us to do exactly that whenever we see an overwhelmed parent in need.
As a pediatrician and parent, whenever I get asked about discipline and advice for techniques…of course, I’m honest and open and offer advice. I’m also honest in my feelings about spanking.
I think it is admirable that you are addressing this issue Melissa, because people feel very strongly about it. I used to swat the back of my daughter’s hand when she was being particularly defiant. It was one swat on one hand, but I really hated doing it to her. At the time I didn’t know how to better handle the situation. I started doing it when she was about 14 months old and I stopped by 18 months because by that point I believed that she was able to understand my words on their own, without the swat to act as a physical punctuation mark.
I was spanked as a child, but I don’t want to raise my daughter that way. My parents spanked us because that was the norm and they knew no other way. But ask them today and they will say they would have done it differently. Today we know of different techniques and effective methods of discipline and I plan on following some of these myself. I don’t want risk the possibility that she may come to believe the cliche “might is right” and I fear that is one of the many negative effects of spanking.
Thank you Dina. I thought long and hard before writing about this. And still, I’ve thought all week about how bad I feel for other moms perhaps feeling judged by my opinion. However, I stand firm. It’s long engrained in our previous culture that spanking is okay. If someone says, “It’s not okay to spank your child”, it can be interpreted as being “self-righteous”. If someone says, “It’s not okay to hit your wife/husband/neighbor/grandparent”, it’s considered an obvious statement because of course we don’t hit other people. I honestly believe we need to change the way we view children in this respect. They deserve the same protection and respect in this regard and I hope more and more parents reconsider and find other, more loving ways to set limits and boundaries. Thank you so much for sharing your experience and feelings on this subject
It never ceases to amaze me how people will find all kinds of justifications to get around admiting that they can’t control their emotions, yet they expect small children to be able to. “I never spank my child when I’m angry” (said the torturer). “Every child is different, and some just need that little slap to make them understand” (If we followed this logic, beating women would be totally rational, right? Not all of them, of course. Just the ones that really deserved it… Yes. Parenting can be challenging. But if one first learns to enjoy the blessing of having been trusted with raising a good human being from scratch, beating their fragil bodies, would never feel right.
I completely concur. Well said.
I totally understand your point on not spanking a child, and on some level, I totally agree. I think the age of the child has a lot to do with it for me personally. I feel that below 6 maybe even 7, there should not be spanking but older children I say yes. My reason is that for one spanking is not a solution , only a tool to use, when repetitive bad behavior exit that is of danger or total disreguard for others right or feelings. I feel that our justice system is harsh, and if my child thinks the justice system is going to give them some positive reinforcement of bad behaivior then they are sadly mistaken. Your time out will be for days, months,even years in conditions a dog should not live. I feel that we as parents must not sugar coat the actions of children who are old enough to know right from wrong, that in our justice system the punishment will be much worse than the crime and that the only difference in such things as assault or theft, is age. I feel the “Billy get down” repetitiveness is only showing children that yea, I’ll get in trouble, but the crime was fun and the punishment was no big deal. If my children being scared to do wrong because of fear of a spanking, then so be it. Now, don’t get me wrong, I do talk to them before and afterwards and express my love and expectations, and to this day I have never had a repeat offense. But like any tool, it doesn’t work if you don’t know how to use it. I do see this with a lot of parents (the majority) of parents, so I do see your point.
I wish I understood your logic, but I just do not. HUMAN BRAINS ARE NOT FULLY DEVELOPED UNTIL AGE 21-25! Inflicting pain to teach does the opposite: it shuts down the learning centers of the brain. Will is scare a child into compliance? Absolutely. Making the leap from a child who does not obey you (not my personal goal in child raising, but that’s a whole different topic) to an adult criminal who is facing a prison sentence boggles my mind and leaves me greiving and sad for the future of humanity. Truly.
Just recently, my two year old ran off into the parking lot and around the corner of our townhouse on a busy street. It scared me to death. After running through our neighborhood like a crazy woman, I finally found him hiding behind our back gate, laughing that he had fooled mommy and daddy. I tried getting on his level and telling him how scared I was and how dangerous it is for him to run away. He laughed and didn’t seem to understand just how dangerous it is. I have been adamant about not spanking. But in this situation, I wonder how I can send a strong message that he will understand. I am at a loss.