Breastfeeding broke my heart

Thanks for sharing your story, it’s really important to hear stories like this. I am a firm supporter of natural birth and breastfeeding, and the thing that gets me is that we can’t trust our health systems to make sure that the only people who can’t breastfeed (and the only people who don’t get least-intervention-possible births) are the people who actually can’t breastfeed. There are such a high number of people who just miss out on the right supports and information that when we see someone bottle feeding, we know that there is a high chance that they *could* have been successful, if only…. It really is awful that our frustration with “the system” gets taken out on mums like you who really are terrific and loving parents.

This is dated with a written date of 2/6/2012, but wasn’t this written in early/mid 2011? I remember reading this exact post last year (2011) when I was struggling with breastfeeding.

Thank you so much for this post, Melissa. I wish I had seen it when I was trying to nurse my son. He was born 6 weeks early and was in the NICU for 2 weeks before I could bring him home. I think we just got off on the wrong start.

I read all the benefits of breast milk and the practice of breast feeding, and I used to judge other mothers who didn’t breast feed. This is probably why I was so unbelievably hard on myself when I couldn’t do it. I pumped all the time, used nipple guards to make it easier for him to latch, went to lactation meetings, acupuncture, took all the herbs, logged every time I nursed and pumped, and still could not produce enough for a solid feeding.

After 5 months, I went out to lunch with another mom who has a baby a few months older than mine. She asked me if I was still nursing and I told her I was (or at least trying to). She said that once she stopped breast feeding, a huge weight was lifted off her shoulders. She knew of all my struggles and had some similar struggles. A few weeks later I skipped a few pumps and noticed that I did feel better. I stopped completely a week later. She was so right. I didn’t have a constant feeling of disappointment anymore. It was really refreshing. I had another friend tell me that she was in a mom’s group and the leader had to remind everyone that “formula is not poison. Give yourselves a break.” I love that. I know at the hospitals they need to encourage breast feeding but I feel like they could also let the patients know that it’s okay if they can’t. The babies need their love and support more than anything else.

At the height of my breastfeeding ability, I could hand-express (pumping never worked…) 1/4-1/2oz. At the hospital, when my precious perfect baby girl was hospitalized for jaundice the lactation consultant got an expert to come from the capital. She measured and asked if she could take pictures… hypoplastic breasts, insufficient mammary tissue, unique case, etc. I felt like I wasn’t a good enough mother for her, remembered all the people telling me how even adoptive mothers could breastfeed, and told my husband we should give her to someone who was a good enough mother. Of course he basically told me that was a load of hogwash, and as I look at my little girl saying “I love you mommy” 3 times this morning I know very well that bonding and love isn’t made by breastfeeding.

My doctor actually had the same issues and she was very supportive to me. I am grateful to the doctors out there who recognize… not everyone can breastfeed.

I wanted so badly to breast feed my son. I dreamed of it, longed for it. I had breastfeeding pillows. I read the breastfeeding books.
Birth did not go as smoothly as I wanted, with more interventions that I planned for. My son would not latch no matter what I did. I had to resort to a bottle, though I gave him pumped milk. I was pumping madly, and when my milk came in, I had too much, and was engorged. I, like others, made many trips to the doctor because of plugged and infected milk ducts. It was agonizing. I kept up my efforts getting my son to breastfeed, but at 3 months I gave up.
I pumped for 1 year. I always envied mothers who breastfed. I would hid in a bathroom stall to pump, embarrassed by the sound of the machine, wishing I could sit comfortably in a chair and cuddle my son. I hated feeling like a cow, with a machine attached to me. I hated taking that machine everywhere. I hated not holding my son while I pumped. And sometimes… I was angry at my son for refusing my perfectly good milk-supplying breast. I had SO much milk… enough to feed triplets at its peak supply. And yet he wouldn’t breastfeed. The rejection I felt was immense. I think it was part of this that delayed our bonding.

Actually, when I decided to give up pumping, there was guilt and relief. Guilt to quit, when I know he would still benefit, but relief to be free from the machine, to give him more of my time. relief to be free of the round-the-clock reminder of my small failure to breastfeed.

We all have issues, our own envies. You could not make so much milk… my heart shares that ache even though it was not the same problem I had. However, that your son would still nurse, and cuddle… that I never experienced, and I think I might have traded my vast supply for the sole experience of nursing.

The mother’s heart, yes?

correction: 8-12 times a day, or every 2 hours.

Wow. Tears are running down my face as I read your account, which is not unlike mine in some ways. My breasts never grew when I was pregnant, but my doc didn’t flag this as an issue. When my baby girl fussed and fussed for the first week, I thought it was colic until we took her to Emergency and discovered that I was underfeeding her because I wasn’t making enough milk, despite feeding her on demand and pumping and taking domperidone. I got rid of my doctor when she basically told me that I was messing up my supply by supplementing (the only way my baby was going to get full), and I had to go to a breastfeeding clinic and work with an LC/MD who helped bring my supply up to a whopping 3 oz per pump in the mornings (less throughout the day).
Now, at 3.5 months, my baby still needs to be supplemented but enjoys her bonding time with me through nursing in the mornings and as a pacifier/dessert to help put her to sleep. I think she’s there for the comfort more than for nourishment though. I long to be “one of those” who can just whip it out and satisfy their baby no matter where they are, but alas, I can only nurse with a pillow and in the privacy of home.
Though nobody outwardly judges me for supplementing, I most certainly feel the pressure (probably from myself) to do more, to try harder, to feed her naturally “because millions of women have been doing this for centuries.” I have to fight my feelings of inferiority and insufficiency as a mom on a daily basis, and it is only my little one curled against my body with a smile on her face that assures me that despite my low production, I am doing something right and she still loves me. But it is hard, and it hurts, and I am so glad to know that I’m not alone in feeling this way. Thank you for reminding me of that.

Your story brought me to tears. I went through the exact same hell of trying to — and wishing I could — breastfeed my children. My supply was pitiful, and a lactation consultant blamed it on insufficient glandular tissue. It was utterly heartbreaking and I still have a hard time with it, especially because my children don’t tolerate baby formula well at all. I have received more judgement for pulling out a bottle to feed my children than I’ve ever seen a nursing mother get for feeding her baby in public. I wish every day that things were different, but my youngest just turned a year old and both my kids are thriving so I know in my heart I’m a good mother who just happened to be unable to give them breastmilk. I worry those feelings of inadequacy and shame will come back when we have another baby. It is so difficult to reconcile something that you hear constantly should be “natural and easy” to do. So many people who don’t have all the facts just make blanket statements and pin me as a “lazy mom.” If they only really knew.

I had a breast reduction surgery when I was 18. I really didn’t know what to expect when I became pregnant. I really, really wanted to nurse my baby from the breast. I read all that I could find on Breast feeding, but there is virtually nothing on BFAR (breast feeding after reduction). My midwife recommended a book called Defining Your Own Success, by Diane West. This book helped me come to terms with the real possibility that I might not make enough milk, depending on how much tissue had been removed. But Whatever I could give was a valuable gift. It felt good to be comfortable with anything that might be. I wouldn’t know until baby arrived if I could BF. I looked around for formulas before hand, I guess coming to terms with that possibility. However, I WAS able to exclusively breast feed! I really feel for you and the other mothers who can’t make enough milk, or for other various reasons (medications, etc…) it is best not to BF. Thank you for you post, and having the courage to bear your raw feelings for us to see.

A million times over I want to thank you for this article! You have so adequately described everything I have experienced. Your words are what I have been wanting to say (sometimes yell) over the last 4 months of trying to nurse my daughter. It is heart breaking to try everything you know to do and still not be able to get the results you so desperately desire. And it seems everywhere I go every other mother can successfully nurse their babe. It is so nice to know I am truly not alone in this struggle. Before my daughter was born I went to breast is best classes, childbirth classes, spoke to my OB and other moms I knew that had nursed (some which eventually decided it was not for them and turned to formula), and I read any articles I could find on the topic. After I had my daughter I exclusively nursed until her 2 day check up when her weight had dropped below the 10% mark of her birth weight. I then supplemented for a day or two and once her weight was back up I went back to exclusively nursing. I could not understand why my baby was so fussy and never seemed satisfied. My husband once made the comment that, “she was always crying unless i was nursing” I went to see the lactation consultant several times and was always assured my baby was getting enough. I had to take her to be weighed weekly because she was not gaining weight. At this point I bought a Medela pump, started fenugreek, mothers milk tea, eating oatmeal, drinking Gatorade, hand compressions, power pumping, hot showers, trying not to stress, nursing around the clock, etc. I never saw any results after weeks of trying this regime. I then went to speak to my OB who prescribed Reglan. I tried taking it for several days but had to stop because it made me feel so jittery and like I was walking around in a tunnel. I knew that I could not be a good mommy while feling like that. As a last resort I scheduled an appointment with an MD whose specialty is dealing in lactation. I booked the appointment the day my daughter’s doctor recommended I go see her. When I booked the appointment I spoke to the nurse to explain to her all I had been doing. Her response was that I should have been there 13 weeks ago (my daughter was 14 weeks at the time). I would have been there earlier had I known about them. The appointment with the doctor was painful. I ended up in tears after she told me my daughter had gained a significant amount of weight and that the “old scale that said a baby should double their birth weight by 4-5 months was outdated and all those people were formula fed and now in their 50s, overweight and with health problems”. My baby is now 19 weeks and has not yet doubled her birth weight and at her 4 month check up she was only in the 50th percentile for height and weight. How could someone that has dedicated their life to helping mothers with supply issues be so callous? Just the fact that I was seeking her help and was still trying to breast feed should have shown her how badly I desired to make this work. Needless to say she could not come up with anything for me to try that I had not already done…a waste of money and threw me back into a state of shame. At this point, I am still nursing before I offer the bottle but I know soon the day will come when what little supply I have will be dried up. It still hurts and sometimes I cry over it but I have finally started to accept that there is nothing else I can do. Honestly, I wish I had seen a doctor, lactation consultant, or just someone that would have helped me instead of giving me the same lines about everyone being able to nurse. After doing my own research I now realize I have several of the symptoms of IGT. But for me it would have been validating to have a medical professional diagnosis me with IGT and assure me I had done everything I could. Your words and this article have given me a little of that assurance that I so desperately want. I am sorry this is so terribly long but it has been nice to put it out there and feel like the burden is somewhat lifted off my shoulders. Thank you for sharing your story!!

Thank you so much for this post and for the link you put on Peaceful Parenting in FB (that brought me here). Reading your post reminded me so much of myself during the early days of breastfeeding..and even now. For the first 3 days after my daughter was born, I was nursing her EVERY hour. Each nursing session lasted about 45 minutes, and after I was done nursing her, I had to pump. That was what the LC told me to do after seeing how little I was producing. Imagine how little rest I got as a result of all that nursing and pumping! My milk didn’t come in like most LCs and breastfeeding mothers claimed would happen. For the first 2 months, nursing sessions lasted 45 minutes, and I was nursing her every two hours! For the next 10 months, until she turned one, I was nursing her every 3 hours day and night, despite starting her on solids at 6 months.

I’m still breastfeeding my daughter who is now 20 months old. Now she nurses every 4 hours. She even wakes up in the middle of the night for feedings. I’ve always felt that I am not producing enough milk. I have NEVER been able to pump more than 3 oz per breast. Most of the time, I only get 1-2oz when I pump. My daughter has always been on the 3rd percentile in terms of weight. She was small for her gestational age, and was a tiny 36-weeker at birth. She’s of normal height though.

While reading your post, I wondered if I too have insufficient glandular tissue. I’ve been feeding her for 20 months yet she’s so tiny! At the rate I fed her in her first year, she should have been a BIG, FAT baby! But no, she was always tiny and she’s still only on the 20th percentile. She weighs only about 20lbs now. No issues in other areas of development. The worst part is, she hates eating. She only wants breastmilk and little else. She enjoys eating fruits though. I’ve tried reducing nursing frequency, but it hasn’t helped. My breasts still produce little and she still refuses to eat!

I read and heard so much about mothers pumping out excess milk and even donating. I can never do that because the amount I make is hardly sufficient for my baby. Even when I go for hours without feeding her, I wouldn’t be able to pump much milk afterwards. I’m so glad for your post. It has made me realize that perhaps I too have insufficient glandular tissue…Maybe not as severe, but still…

I’ve tried everything to increase my milk supply. Pumping, herbs, supplements, extra rest, changes in diet… Nothing worked! No one understood why I was feeding my baby so frequently and for so long each time. While other nursing mums lamented about having an oversupply and leaking breasts, I have always wished that my breasts would produce a tiny bit more. I bought breast pads before delivering my baby, but never had any use for them. My baby never had latching problems, yet I could not produce enough milk for her. My breasts always felt empty yet I soldiered on, believing in the mantra that “breast is best”.

I’m glad that I have been able to breastfeed her for 20 months and counting, but I’ve never slept though the night even once since she was born! I guess I’m just not producing enough, hence she has to nurse frequently to get whatever little milk I produce. Reading your post made me feel less lonely. It made me accept that some of us just aren’t able to produce much milk, and it’s absolutely not our fault. What really matters is that we truly care for our children and always strive to give them the best. It’s just sad that the “breast is best” mantra has made so many mothers feel guilty and inadequate.

Thank you for your post! <3

12 weeks after my preemie baby was born, she’s finally latching, but despite pumping a ridiculous amount of hours every day, even at the cost of my time with her, I still don’t produce enough milk. I supplement and it breaks my heart since I know I can’t maintain this pace until she’s a year as I’d originally hoped and dreamed.
I’m not IGT, but my LC told me I definitely did not produce enough glands and that, coupled with an overactive thyroid, has caused me to only pump 13 oz a day, at most, in 4-7 hours worth of pumping sessions.
I get so jealous when I hear about mother’s who pump an oz a minute (instead of an ounce every 15) AFTER they’ve given their baby a full feed. And I get so tired of people telling me I haven’t tried hard enough (trust me, I’ve tried everything to increase my supply) to give my baby the best.
Thank you for this article. It really hits close to home and it gives me hope that some day I can come to terms with my “failure” as a mother.

Hi. I’m a pediatrician too. I have a daughter who just turned 6 months old. I can pump only 3-5 oz/day even when I pump every 2 hours. I breastfeed after lunch, the whole afternoon then the whole night but i dont think she gets enough. I’m forced to give her 10-20 oz of formula a day. I feel betrayed by my body too! its so frustrating. I’ve done herbs, domperidone, the works.
Feeling so guilty….

This was my experience. Exactly. In fact, I’m sitting here crying while reading this because you expressed what my own words couldn’t say. Wouldn’t say. I feel like sharing this post with my family so they can understand, just a little. I am pregnant with my second, and I’ve read that, for many moms, their second breast feeding experience got better. Some have been able to exclusively breast feed the second. I have faith i’ll be able to. I’ll do everything I can!

My daughter is one year old, and she still loves to nurse to sleep, but only with the Medela SNS supplementing.

Thank you for unleashing the words my heart couldn’t say. It has freed me a little more to know I’m not alone.
Hugs.