I recently received a message from a friend and reader regarding bullies. She has some very legitimate concerns about a certain young bully in her neighborhood that is making life very stressful for her two young boys and the rest of the kids on her block.
He curses, calls names, and “accidentally” hurts the other children.
Her message brought me back to my own childhood and suddenly I was face to face with memories of my own bully. Except back then, I just called him “the mean kid who stabbed me in the back with his pencil” or “oh no, here comes J on his bike and he’s got rocks…again!”
It seems no one gets through childhood without being harassed at some point by a “mean kid”. And, as a pediatrician and mother, I really dislike labeling children. I despise the term bully, but the unfortunate and sad truth is that bullies exist and they exist in the form of your child’s pint sized peers.
While I would love to get to the heart of the issue, why do children become bullies? I’ll save that issue for another day. It’s an important and complex aspect of bullying. However, today, this reader wants to know what she can do for her own children; to empower and help them navigate their daily life of play without the constant stress and/or worry of crossing paths with this neighborhood bully.
My husband and I have already begun this unpleasant conversation with our 1st grader. Unfortunately, he’s known since his preschool days that some kids are “just not nice”. Actually, he’s known since he was a barely walking toddler that an older, stronger child might suddenly decide to shove him up against a wall because they were both going for the same toy; and that the supervising adults would say nothing.
Nothing.
Meanwhile, once I recovered from my shock and dismay, I went to my hurt child and explained how wrong it was for that older child to push him and that it was not okay and that I’m sorry he got hurt. In a really loud voice. Hoping the older child and his adults could hear. It was my first eye opening lesson that many parents don’t see a need to intervene and thus, miss imparting important messages on how we treat one another. I’m not talking helicopter parenting here, I’m talking necessary moderating when children are very young and are learning about social etiquette, empathy, and kindness.
But I digress; now back to helping our children cope with a bully. It really is about empowering our children instead of making them feel victimized. So here are some important concepts and tips to pass on to your children.
Empathy. It seems a bit counterintuitive to empathize with a bully, however, let your children in on a little secret…their bully is likely a very unhappy child without many friends. It’s actually quite sad. This doesn’t mean your child has to acquiesce and necessarily feel sorry for that child; but it will take some power away from the bully in your child’s mind. Instead of fear, your child will feel empathy and will be stronger for it.
Stand tall and move on. Sometimes a bully just won’t let up and sometimes all your child can do is remain calm, speak up (No! Don’t call me that!), and then walk away. Engaging with a persistent bully will only add fuel to the fire. Teach your child to go on about his business. It’s a concept I’ve been teaching my own son, “if you don’t run, he can’t chase you”. Give your child specific words to use like “we don’t want to play with you because you hurt us and/or you’re mean to us”. Help him say these words as a matter of fact and encourage him to play with like minded friends.
Humor. If the bully is teasing and calling names, having a sense of humor will help your child immensely. How can a bully stay mad if someone is laughing or cracking jokes?
Kindness. Encourage your child to cut the bully off at the pass. If the the child who is bullying approaches him and his friends, encourage him to say, “hi J, how are you?” This simple act of kindness and consideration may just throw him off and let his defenses down. It’s worth a try.
Stick together. The buddy system works. It’s always a good idea for friends to stick together and stand up for each other. Encourage your child and his friends to go places together and help each other if a bully starts to single someone out. Let your children know it’s always okay to tell you or another trusted adult if they need help in dealing with a bully. The more people that know and are willing to speak up, the less chance a bully has in gaining power over another child.
Fight back? This is a hard one for me. Of course I don’t condone violence or retaliation, but self-defense is another story. Just let your child know that you have his back if it ever came down to that. I honestly hope that it never does.
Navigating the playground politics is tricky to say the least but our children must know that we support them when it comes to coping with bullying. Bullying is not okay and it truly does take a village to stamp it out. Every child deserves to feel safe and free to play on the playground without the worry and stress of being bullied.
I would love to hear your tips on helping your children cope with bullying? What works and what have been your experiences?
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I remember my Ali going through this when she hit junior high. She was a band kid so of course she was not cool according to the girls at the bus stop. They would torment her, throw her instrument and when she would try to read her books to ignore them & it actually made it worse because it bothered them she was not giving in to their actions. So they then threw her books in the street. One day she finally came home and told me and as a parent my blood pressure quickly rose sky high and I went in attack mode I am not going to lie. I told her to get in the car to show me where they live I was going to have a talk with the parents. After crying and her begging me not to do this because as she put it, “It will only make things worse.” I finally sat in the car calmed myself down and had a one on one with her explaining this was not okay and these kids were abusing her. I explained to her she was beautiful and how proud I was of how strong she was to stick with band even if it was uncool to her peers. I told her she was strong for sticking to her dreams and not caring what others thought was cool. As I sat there in silence for seconds maybe minutes trying to talk myself out of the meeting of the parents I quickly realized as sad as it is kids usually act this was by imitation, they are what they see. They become their surroundings. Also realizing I was not guaranteed a positive outcome if I did confront the parents. So in a cruel world I told my daughter there are some very mean people in life, but there are so many more good people and to never lose faith, sight or determination. I believe we must teach our children to stand their ground and teach them how to handle it alone for as they get older we are not always going to be there. They must understand it is not them and these mean individuals have something either going on at home or something has happened to them to make them this way so they can actually feel empathy vs. anger for the person who is the bully. Bullies never go away it’s so sad they are there even into adulthood…sighhhh. All in all “Mean people suck!”…lol;)
So how did Ali handle it? She’s such a strong and beautiful girl
XO
She just went on as normal to her stop treated each day as new and assured me she could handle it and she did not want me to do anything. I believe she just came home that day needing to vent and cry on my shoulder and I have learned sometimes that is all my children will want from me, just to be there for them. She just sat across the street from the stop from where the bus picked them up. She continued to ignore them until they finally just got bored and gave up. Where is she today from that 6th grade bully experience? Still in band, in college, a music major and still doing what her heart calls her to do no matter what is cool in the eyes of her peers. I happen to think she is pretty darn cool though and an awesome role model to her little sisters~Amen!;)
This is such an important topic, Melissa with such excellent advice.
(Thank you.)
I’d love to hear your thoughts on “mean girls” and the best ways to handle that kind of situation as well sometime!
That would be a great topic to cover, Galit, thank you. There are so many different “types” of bullying that do need to be addressed specifically. Sadly, I’m already seeing this in my daughter’s preschool class! Who can play with who and comments on clothes. Luckily she goes to a preschool with a uniform…but still…they find ways!!
[…] week, I addressed a concerning issue from one of my readers about helping her children deal with a neighborhood bully. In discussing this very important topic, the heart of the issue cannot be overlooked…how does […]
Something must be done to stop this bullying! Ive seen children stopped schooling because of this very thing!