That moment is etched forever in my mind…and it’s anything but a happy and pleasant moment.
However, to well-meaning family members, that was a moment to be captured on film. Cute. A milestone to ooh and ahh over.
My baby was getting his first bottle.
And all I wanted to do was hide away, cry my eyes out, and curse at my bad misfortune of having dysfunctional breasts. I couldn’t even do what should come naturally for most mothers…feed my baby as nature intended.
I should be able to breastfeed.
It was devastating. Especially since I never saw it coming. Never thought the simple act of nourishing my child would be filled with obstacles, pain, guilt, and shame.
As I fed my newborn baby that bottle of formula, I was fighting back tears as he happily and quickly guzzled it down. He was grateful for it. Meanwhile all I could think was how I failed him. How, from here on out, because of IGT (insufficient glandular tissue), this would be his main form of nourishment.
The thoughts swirled around in my head and wouldn’t go away: breast is best, breastfed babies are smarter, better adjusted, less prone to ear infections, diabetes, SIDS, and have a decreased propensity toward obesity.
It killed me giving him that bottle of formula.
Instead of having a bright, fit, healthy, and attached baby…was I doomed for the exact opposite? By no choice of my own…but by pure and simple…damn bad luck.
It sucked.
So forgive me if I’m less than thrilled with the commentary circulating about the new AAP statement on breastfeeding in the March issue of Pediatrics.
Given the documented short- and long-term medical and neurodevelopmental advantages of breastfeeding, infant nutrition should be considered a public health issue and not only a lifestyle choice
I love this statement. I think it’s a very important message, one that all parents should hear and consider when the time comes to feed their infants. My sincere hope is that more and more moms will give breastfeeding a try before they make up their minds about it. I hope more healthcare providers, lactation consultants, and advocates will know and educate women on the common barriers to breastfeeding and be able to recognize and help women overcome some heartbreaking conditions associated with latch issues and low milk supply.
I love that breastfeeding is being touted as the norm, rather than the exception.
What I don’t love? That by declaring this a public health issue, others feel free to criticize/shame/guilt moms who feed their babies formula. Exactly what I had feared when I first read this statement. I worried the pendulum would swing too far in the other direction in some minds.
This is just a snippet of what I’ve read: formula should only be given by prescription and a formula fed infant will spread infections to other kids so these benefits to the general public need to be internalized for moms. Plus my kid would be paying over his lifetime for the higher healthcare costs of formula fed kids with the diabetes, cancers, and obesity.
Wow. Really? Clearly these women were fortunate enough to be blessed with a good breastfeeding experience and never had to endure the devastating reality that their child would just need that formula. To survive. To grow.
Breastfeeding is awesome on all fronts. And, after my heartbreaking experience, I truly believe that any amount you can give your child is beneficial. I had to believe that. I had to believe that what I could give them would be good enough. I do believe that now. Both my children were primarily formula fed, with breastmilk “appetizers” as I not so affectionately referred to our nursing sessions as. I’m happy to report that at 4 and 7 years old, they are bright, healthy, fit, attached, happy, and are rarely sick.
So my hope is that with this increased awareness and support for breastfeeding, we do just that…support mothers everywhere in their desire to breastfeed, without added pressure, guilt, or shame. It’s simply a myth that ALL mothers will be able to exclusively breastfeed, some (like me) simply need to supplement with formula.
It’s an odd culture we live in right now, where we know breast is best, yet nursing moms are often expected to hide away and feed their babies in private, lest they want to be considered rude, lewd, or wholly inappropriate. By the same token, bottle and/or formula feeding moms feel just as much guilt and/or shame when others view the way she feeds her baby as inferior or selfish.
I know, because I hated feeding my baby in public. I would have given anything to sit down in the middle of Target and nurse my babe because he just couldn’t wait until I got to the check-out aisle. It seems whether you breastfeed, bottle feed, formula feed, or some combination of the three, you’re bound to be judged by the masses.
And that’s sad.
Feeding our babies is deeply personal and our souls are intertwined with ensuring our babies are well-fed and healthy. What our babies need more than ever is our love, our sanity, and our nourishment…the best way we can provide it. And, in order to do so, moms everywhere need support and compassion whether she’s sporting a nursing bra or toting a diaper bag full of bottles.
Did you have some guilt associated with feeding your baby? Why and how did you overcome it? What do you think of the AAP declaring breastfeeding is more about being a public health issue as opposed to simply a lifestyle choice?
Great resources for breastfeeding success:
Information on IGT and low milk supply:
http://www.mobimotherhood.org/MM/article-lms.aspx
http://www.noteveryonecanbreastfeed.com/
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Standing up and giving you the slow clap. This is outstanding, Melissa. I’ve been thinking a lot about this since the new guidelines came out myself. I couldn’t have said it any better than you did.
Thank you Elizabeth. Thank you so much!
Heartbreaking, Meilssa. It was easy with my first, but severe reflux and poor supply with my second made it difficult. I was forced to switch much too soon. But he’s super smart and healthier than his sister, and every bit as close to me
I know…it’s so much more than just breast or bottle. We do need to be kinder to ourselves and with each other when it comes to this, don’t we?
Thank you for this post! I had the same experience breastfeeding my first child. Before giving birth, I was told by a lactation consultant at a breastfeeding class, “If someone tells you she didn’t make enough milk, she’s lying. There is always something you can do.” So obviously I was making something up when my baby wasn’t able to gain nourishment from my breast. I felt SO much pressure to breastfeed that I made my husband give her the bottles of formula while I cried and felt like a horrible excuse for a mother. But then I really came to love that she was able to grow just by me shaking up some powder with some water! Thank heavens there is formula!! I am pro-breastfeeding, but I am also pro-formula. And there is judgment from others with EVERY decision.
Cami: Shame on that LC. I also had a LC claim that the lazy moms just give excuses, but I found out myself that it’s not true.
I went through 2 lactation consultants before the one that recognized and diagnosed my condition. She saved my sanity and relieved some of my guilt. Like you, I had others telling me to just keep trying…the milk would come…except it didn’t and failure was all I felt. Like you, I’m grateful for formula. So grateful. Pro-breastfeeding? Absolutely. But I’m also pro-mom and protecting our sanity by letting us feed our babies in peace and love.
Bravo. I successfully breastfed my first son and was not successful with the 2nd. It broke my heart and I felt so much shame and guilt. I hated even taking his formula out of his bag in public. Pitting the 2 camps against each other and making a formula feeding mom feel like she’s not doing everything she can for her baby is just shameful. Thank you for this post.
You’re welcome Mary. I just couldn’t not say it. The AAP guidelines are important, the misinterpretation of them is infuriating to moms like us who have struggled and were left heartbroken.
A-M-E-N! I had trouble nursing my first (he had what the Dr. described as a “lazy jaw”). It still stings when I think about the verbal and non-verbal jabs I got when I gave him formula 8 years ago. Things were easier with his younger brother, who nursed until he was a year old. Two very different experiences – and they are both happy, healthy, smart, sweet boys who love their mom regardless of how they received nourishment as babies.
The big picture…this is what we need to keep in mind. Thank you. Your boys felt your love regardless of how you provided their nourishment.
I had a lot of difficulties breastfeeding my first. My son was born tongue-tied. We caught it two days after he was born, got his tongue clipped, and thought we had solved the problem. But we hadn’t. It took another two months before his tongue would be clipped properly by a “specialist.” (In reality, she was considered a long-shot-well-maybe-this-doctor-will-know-what-to-do, alternative medicine-type doctor…and I am forever grateful for her help.) But even after we finally solved the tongue-tie issue, I wasn’t able to breastfeed my son fully because of my inadequate milk supply. He got “appetizers,” as you say, but not much more.
It was such a devastating experience for me. I put SO MUCH pressure on myself to be that totally “natural” mom, so when breastfeeding didn’t work out, I felt such shame. And I was blind-sighted by the whole thing, because I never for a moment even considered the possibility that breastfeeding wouldn’t work out.
Looking back, I cannot believe the lengths I went to to give my son even the little bit of breast milk I did. It was torturous, but also insanely commendable. No one can say that I wasn’t doing everything I could to making breastfeeding work. Honestly, I really pushed myself to a breaking point. I wish I could go back in time and give myself a hug.
I just had a daughter about five months ago, and I was very worried I would have similar problems with breastfeeding. (Tongue ties do run in families, after all.) She was born slightly tongue-tied, but nothing as bad as my son’s. We had one session with a speech therapist when my daughter was about two-weeks old, and then she was able to nurse like a champ. Successfully breastfeeding her has been an incredibly healing experience for me.
Oh, thank you so much for sharing this story Lorilin. I too wish I could go back in time and give myself a break and a big giant hug. I, like you, was blindsided. I beat myself up over it and went to great lengths at the expense of sleep and sanity. I’m so glad to hear that you successfully nursed your daughter. I was hoping for that with my second…but sadly, no. Same thing. *sigh*
An amazingly honest and well written blog. I couldn’t agree more! Breast is best when it is and bottle is best when it is. There is so much ‘in house’ fighting between bottle feeding and breastfeeding mothers when really we should all be taking a stand to eliminate any form of bullying together.
We are all mums, just trying to do our best and every mum who feeds and loves her baby should be celebrated, respected and supported by her whole community! Bottle Babies moto is that ‘how you fill your babies tummy is not as important as how you fill their heart, mind and spirit’. Your baby will not remember how you gave birth to them or how you fed them or even what nappies you wrapped their bottom in. But they will remember the nights that you snuggled in bed with them and read a book or sang a song or just cuddled them close while they breathed in your familiar smell, listened to the rhythm of your heart beat and they way you make them feel safe and secure. Those are the things that are important.
Thankyou Melissa for sharing this with us all, and please know you are not alone. There are thousands of women with very familiar stories to tell. If you are looking for non-judgmental and inclusive support, no matter how your baby is or was fed, or you would like to show your support then please drop in and say hi to our fantastic community!
http://www.facebook.com/bottlebabies
Thank you Lisa!! I’ve been meaning to reach out to you for a week now…it’s been crazy. I went to your fabulous FB page…what a great support network for moms. I love it. I love your motto so much: “how you fill your babies tummy is not as important as how you fill their heart, mind and spirit’” I could not agree more.
A colleague of mine saw my post on your FB page. She too had the sadness of having to introduce the bottle without wanting to. She speaks highly of all the support she has received from your community. Thank you so much for sharing this post with your readers. I’ll be following you regularly over there. Thanks for all you do in supporting moms…we really just want to feed our babies in peace and with love…don’t we?
I really wish people wouldn’t judge because behind every parenting decision there is a story. I agree that breast is best but I just couldn’t produce milk when my first daughter was born. I don’t know why because the lactation consultant judged me so quickly for deciding to give my daughter a bottle that I just gave up trying to find out why. After trying, unsuccessfully, I decided that it was too much stress and that bottle feeding would make both of us happier. I decided to stick with bottles for my second daughter, even though there was a huge difference in my milk supply the second time around. Every mom needs to make the decision but sometimes our bodies make it for us.
Melissa, I am right there with you. I almost lost it just the other day when the March of Dimes tweeted the AAP’s position on breast feeding which included the line breast feeding “promotes a […] emotional connection between mother and baby.” Emotional connections happen irregardless of feeding type! When the powers that promote breast feeding try to use love and the mother-baby bond in their war against the bottle, that is where I draw the line. It’s stupid and WRONG and only serves to guilt bottle-feeding moms and dads.
Like you, I didn’t prodice any milk. My baby was born 13 weeks premature and I had to pump (and pump and pump) and would only get drops. I ended up signing a waiver to give my preemie donor breast milk (being a preemie parent, the “breast is best” message is even more pronounced… I was bombarded with information saying my child, who was already at greater risk of SIDS and infectious disease, would be at EVEN GREATER risk should she not get breast milk). At one month old, my daughter was a “healthy” 3 pounds and gaining weight; she had come off oxygen support and was doing well. The neonatologists told me they were switching her to formula. I literally broke down and cried in the NICU. I thought of all the odds of all the BAD THINGS shooting skyward because of formula. And you know what? Her doctor pulled me aside and said, it will be no problem. She will thrive, she will continue to be healthy, and formula is fine. And he was right. I cried more about lack of breast feeding than any other thing my poor daughter had to endure in the NICU. And that’s just ridiculous.
You’re absolutely right, emotional connections DO happen with bottle fed babies and that quote suggests that breast feeding promotes it more or better. SHAME on them. Isn’t the point to get people to TRY…not feel so guilty, like a failure when they’re unable!
Well said!
Great post, thank you for this.
My daughter couldn’t latch due to a neuromuscular disease. On top of that I was on high levels of a medications that, while only minor amounts, did go through my milk.
We tried bottle feeding her my milk once but she reacted to it. Even if I had gone off the medication, I wouldn’t have been able to pump, clean pump, feed, clean bottles. Every two hours. Ugh.
I feel tremendous guilt for not just doing it but the exhaustion was so great, I thought I’d die.
I still wish I would have tried hard.
Bravo! Well-said. I was one of those look down your nose, how could you give formula to your baby moms! I breast fed my first son for 25 months and my second son now 13 months did not receive the same and no fault of my own. I thought, no problem, I did it before. WRONG. It wasn’t until my baby was readmitted for sever dehydration and the LC told me, “You’re not producing” after another failed attempt at pumping. My blood ran cold and I was instantly struck with a feeling of complete failure, like I was killing my son. I did not produce, I pumped, had thyroid checked, took supplements/vitamins, tried to get Reglan, NO one would prescribe it to me, we even purchased breast milk from the Bronson breast milk bank until my supply would come up. After 6 weeks of pumping on a VERY regular schedule (set alarm and woke to it), I still didn’t produce nearly enough. I would save every drop to get a “mommy bottle”…it took 2 days to get 30-40 CC’s. I was broken, felt like a complete failure…here come the tears. How did I deal with the guilt? It’s still there, but I ran across your first blog about this topic and that certainly helped. I still feel awful. You know, my second son isn’t walking yet, and I have these stupid irrational feelings of, “that’s because you didn’t breastfeed.” No, I COULDN’T, not didn’t I would have given ANYTHING to. How DARE people look down on me for giving my baby the very thing that kept him thriving, FORMULA.
BTW: I am thankful for that LC who took ahold of me with tears in her eyes and said, “I know how bad you want this and I can see you trying, but you’re not producing.” She validated me, unlike others who said that lazy moms give excuses. It was then that I knew something was wrong. Any LC’s who may read this, please know you have SUCH an impact positive or negative on such a precious topic.
I nursed as much as I could while I was home on family leave but had to supplement the entire time. I also didn’t produce. After listening to my newborn scream for an hour because she was hungry, I gave her formula which she greedily ate and then she promptly fell asleep.
I didn’t feel guilty one bit. I don’t care what other people think. I gave my daughter what she needed and that’s being a good mom.
I never had one drop of breast milk. I was completely formula fed. I don’t have allergies. I’m not overweight. I was connected to my mother.
People forget how high infant mortality (and mother mortality) was when the only options were natural birth and nursing. Welcome to the 21 century, people, and mind your own business. We have choices now. My daughter is healthy, I am healthy and if she gets a cold and gives it to a breastfed kid that’s because kids are germ factories. That’s childhood.
My family recently moved from a bigger city to a small town where I have been introduced to a small group of mostly stay at home moms with kids under 3, many of which have the desire and ability to breastfeed their toddlers (which I think is great because that is what works for their families).
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I was diagnosed with breast cancer three years before my son was born. I was thrilled that I was even able to breast feed him a little bit but because of the surgery I was unable to make enough milk so I had to supplement with formula. I also experienced this strange severe sadness every time I nursed, which my lactation consultant said had something to do with the hormones released during “let down”. After 8 months of pumping at work, fighting this sadness and supplementing with formula, I stopped breastfeeding my extremely healthy, highly active, perfectly normal baby. I never questioned my decision – it felt right.
However, I will never forget the first time I pulled out his bottle of formula in front of the women in this small local group. The frowns, the loaded looks at one another and finally the “You feed your baby formula?” – like I was filling his bottle with a vodka martini. In the city with my mommy (and gay dad) group, I never thought twice about the formula, never felt like I was harming my son. You do what you have to do. The women in this local group never even asked me why I “chose” formula – I think they just assumed that I was lazy and putting my own needs before my baby’s. It was embarrassing, hurtful and frankly, annoying – they have no idea how hard it was for me get through breast cancer, conceive a child and then not be able to actually fully satisfy my child’s hunger with the very breasts that could potentially turn on me again some day. Thankfully one of the moms pulled me aside and apologized for the reaction of the group. I am glad that at least one person was open-minded enough to realize that sometimes when you get lemons – you have to make some lemonade (the lemons in this case being my breasts – not my son
I’m currently nursing my 6 month old and I’ve been very fortunate that he’s always been very good with eating. But I have had to give him some formula when he still seemed hungry and my freezer stash was running low. It took me almost a month to feel brave enough to do it. I felt so much guilt about it! But once I did it, I realized how much less stress I felt. I only give it to him if he needs it and he’s just fine!
I had wonderful experiences with nursing my children, especially my eldest, who nursed for over 2 years. (On the negative side, I did have to deal with those issues of nursing in public, disapproving family members, etc.) However, as both a mom and a Physician Assistant, I empathized with and encouraged (and offered medical advice to)a friend who, just as you, so longed to breastfeed and simply did not produce sufficient quantities of milk for her child. Your article is right on target!!
This article was great to read. I fully intended to breastfeed my son. Despite taking a class, consulting with several lactation consultants and pumping like crazy, I never produced enough milk to satisfy my son. Getting him to latch only to get nothing from me ended up in screaming for him and crying and feeling like a total failure for me. It was a devastating way to begin motherhood. Every time he would get a cold in his first year of life, I secretly berated myself and blamed it on formula.
Lactation consultants, breastfeeding class instructors and doctors need to educate parents on what to do if your milk supply doesn’t come in. Our teacher never mentioned that as a possibility “Trust me you will have enough to feed the whole neighborhood” is the comment I remember hearing. It leaves women who don’t get enough supply feeling defective. More needs to be taught about breastfeeding alternatives IF it does not go according to plan. Making these decisions about what to do in the midst of post delivery exhaustion, hormonal changes, and a hungry screaming baby is not ideal. Let’s know the options ahead of time!
I didn’t breastfeed my son. I tried, but it wouldn’t work. 21 days after he was born my grandmother, who I was very close to, passed away. Devastated, I stopped trying and gave him formula. Couldn’t deal with the stress of it. 3 years later, my daughter was born, latched from day one, and was breastfed exclusively until she was 10 months old. Do I feel guilty? no. Are my kids in good health? yes. Did I feel pressure and judgement from people? yes. Did I care about what they thought? not one bit. Thanks Melissa for your post. Amm408, great reply!
thank you, thank you!! so well said
“What our babies need more than ever is our love, our sanity, and our nourishment…the best way we can provide it…”
This is incredibly beautiful, and incredibly true.
And unfortunately, it is also a sentiment which is incredibly crushed by the commentary surrounding the new AAP recommendations. I had to re-read the new statement twice, as well as giving the 1997 and 2005 updates a good once-over, just to try and understand why the language was so harsh. What saddens me is that there wasn’t really and new information offered in the new AAP policy paper; there were no real-world suggestions that we should be doing more research on IGT or other physical impediments to breastfeeding (including D-MER and PPD which is exacerbated by breastfeeding, which many of my reader have contended with over the years); even the studies they cited were basically regurgitating the same results discovered by the studies used 5 or 10 years ago. If the AAP intended this statement to help women, I can’t see it doing so. By using the “lifestyle choice” language in both the first paragraph as well as the last, the emphasis seems to be on the people making that choice – not the ones supposedly coercing them into doing it. So while I hear the argument that the language was used to encourage employers to be more sensitive to pumping moms, and nurses/doctors to be less keen on formula as a cure-all to feeding problems, the statement came off as nothing more than a re-working of the old statement to be more strongly worded against the concept of formula as a “choice”. They are leaving out the middle ground of women who feel that the “choice” was one between sanity and emotional breakdown; between extreme physical pain and utter relief.
Anyway. I wrote about my thoughts on the statement over on my blog but I won’t link to it here as that’s kind of cheesy. 😉 But if you want to come by and let me know your thoughts, I’d love to hear them… Fearless Formula Feeder is the site…
Thanks so much for this brilliant and sensitive post. You rock.
(And by the way, sorry for all the egregious typos in my comment above…typing with a teething toddler on my lap…!)
Hey Melissa,
I wanted to share a brief bit of our experience to add another option as well. Until my daughter Gabriella was born I had nursed eight children without issue for the most part. I had a couple slow growers in the last couple but nothing compared to what we experience with Gabby. Short version the issue was a muscle problem that a LC who was a physician missed, blamed MY supply or lack there of. Well after one visit with our regular ped who hadn’t seen her at all she suggested an eval with an OT who was able to immediately dx’ her with her issue and start therapy. At that point I had been giving her formula for 2 mos but pumping and going through the agony of not being able to breastfeed her directly. Several times I almost threw in the towel and just went to forumala but I just couldnt. Well a wonderful friend offered to start pumping for her as well and that was the begining of Gabby getting donor breast milk. We found a network called Human milk 4 human babies on facebook and 4 months later Gabby is back to breast several times a day and gets all but one bottle a day from donated milk or me. I wanted to get donor milk info out because its available and the moms who do it are awesome! Were so thankful to them for their gifts of love.
Thank you so much for this post. I wish it had been there when I had my first baby, 3 1/2 years ago, and I am thrilled that it is out there now for all of the moms who are struggling with this. Both of my little ones (now 8 months & 3 1/2 years) were preemies, and I tried to breastfeed both of them. I tried working with lactation consultants: shields, SNS, pumping, teas, etc. For a number of reasons, I was simply unable to breastfeed. With my first I struggled with feelings of failure for nearly a year. I’d been indoctrinated to believe that anything less than feeding a baby at my breast would leave my child wanting. One of the NICU doctors even told me (after explaining my struggles) that my baby was going to get sick quite often because I was “choosing” not to breastfeed. Thankfully, being unable to nurse my second child was much easier to take (and any feelings of failure were fleeting)…seeing my incredibly bright, healthy, emotionally secure, happy, and silly 3 year old joyfully feed his baby sister a bottle certainly helped. Thank you for being a voice for those of us who have (and maybe are) experiencing this difficult situation.
Wow. I also have IGT and have struggled with this with all three of my babies the third of which is 3 months old. I cry a lot because I feel cheated out of being the mother I want to be and feed my baby the “natural” way. I even feel anger toward mothers who can exclusively nurse their babies. Thank you for putting yourself out there.