It happened on Monday.
Something I often counsel parents about and logically, I can see exactly how and why it happens.
I just wasn’t prepared for it to happen to me. In broad daylight. With what felt like a million eyes all on me.
I came face to face with a monster of a tantrum.
And it was coming from my child.
My almost 5 year old who just half an hour earlier leaped into my arms at kindergarten pick-up. All smiles. The same child whose teacher only has praises and compliments for.
We rocked out together on the way to meet the hubs and Big Brother for dinner. Party in the USA if you must know. It’s her new favorite song; and yes I did buy and download it from itunes.
Got my hands up, they’re playin’ my song
And now I’m gonna be okay…
Until she wasn’t okay and morphed from my playful, sweet girl to someone unrecognizable in a matter of minutes.
The sun, the heat, the end of a long day…who knows!?!
But in those moments right before dinner, my little one melted down into a mess of screams, tears, and accusations of how mean I was. For all the world to see…and no doubt, hear.
Now I’m no newbie to the likes of tantrums, but with my children at ages 4 (almost 5) and 7, it’s been awhile.
Geez, I wanted to crawl under a rock. I wanted to scoop her up and whisk her home.
But I proceeded with great caution. Reigning in my own rising temper, I got down to her eye level and as gently (and firmly) as I could, I told her it was time to leave.
My words didn’t matter. The storm had broken. There was no stopping the downpour.
So I walked. She cried. I finally picked her up and buckled her into her car seat.
Deep breaths. Deep breaths. I know it isn’t about me. I know she’s tired, hungry, and I just left a toy store empty handed for goodness sake.
What on earth was I thinking?
In that moment I was strangely thankful that I don’t have the paparazzi following me wherever I go…now I really feel for celebrity moms. I already felt the eyes of every passerby beating down on my back.
That’s the thing about tantrums…they aren’t relegated to toddlers and they pop up when you least expect them.
The crying and screaming escalated. I wanted to cry myself. I had no idea at that point how to help her through it. She wanted that toy. I was mean. She was mad.
I stayed silent wondering what my next move should be. Do we call off dinner? No happy hour sushi for this family?
She kept repeating how mean I was, how much she wanted that stuffed animal. I gathered up all the empathy I could muster, stuffed my pride, and repeated what she was saying to me. Yes, I understand. You’re mad. You think I’m mean because I didn’t buy that toy…
After a few more blood curdling screams, the monster tantrum started to fade. She seemed more sad at that moment than anything.
In the end, we still made it for happy hour sushi. We had a nice family dinner and Little Sister and I cuddled in our cozy booth.
Forgive and forget.
I didn’t hold her tantrum against her. She was mad, sad, tired, and hungry. And we all have a right to our feelings. I let her feel them (and say them). I didn’t like it. But I don’t necessarily have to. She’s not even 5 yet. She just started kindergarten and the days are long. She’s expected to sit still, listen, share, be kind, and “on” for most of her day.
What budding five year old wouldn’t have a meltdown or two?
So, the next time you’re faced with that monster tantrum just when you thought they were a thing of your toddler’s past…remember you aren’t the only one with a busy and demanding day. We suddenly expect so much independence and maturity of our 5 year olds. They’re still just children. (And believe me, I had to remind myself of this in the midst of that terrible tantrum.)
Muster up empathy even when you feel like you could scream. Allow the negative feelings to come out (they will pass much more quickly). Wait for the storm to pass, then move on and reconnect.
Little Sister and I both felt better after plenty of hugs and talking about our day.
Also?
Never take a tired and hungry 4 year old to the toy store to look around and pass time before dinner.
That’s just not smart.
Anyone else got a tantrum story?
More reading on tantrums:
Why your 5 year old is bringing back the tantrum and how you can help
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I was just asking myself why you were in the toy store? Definitely not a good idea to pass time…ever in our case. If you aren’t prepared to buy something I would not even step into a toy store.
Tantrums are horrible…but I do find the empathy works or sometimes having a conversation with one of their toys about the tantrum also has been successful.
Thanks for sharing…I know how you felt and have repeated the same experience as a grandmother.
Oh, where to begin! My (just turned) 5 year old started Kindergarten this year too. Tomorrow will be day five of her first full week and the meltdowns have been plentiful. As the tantrums and fights with her 3 year old little brother have been. Our biggest challenge was overcoming the “idea” of starting Kindergarten. My advice to any parent with a child that hasn’t already started is DON’T MAKE A BIG DEAL ABOUT IT!!! All summer, everyone we ran into – including family – kept asking, “Are you ready for *Kindergarten*”, Oh, you’re starting *Kindergarten*, You’re such a big girl”. This created so much anxiety in her, it’s made things very difficult. Despite the fact she had been to 1 1/2 years of preschool, in different schools, and excelled, the “idea” of Kindergarten was just something she couldn’t wrap her head around because everyone made such a big deal about it. I think she’s just now coming to realize it’s very similar to what she knows school to be but I sincerely regret letting Kindergarten become such a big deal. Yes, it’s a milestone, but don’t make it one they can’t surpass.
Indeed the long days make tantrums much more frequent and I can empathize with your situation. Every day at pick-up, my daughter has some request that either can’t or shouldn’t be granted. Can we get a milkshake? I want to have a friend over. I want to go to a friend’s house. Can we stop at the park? Don’t get me wrong, I’m all for milkshakes at the park with friends, but we can’t have something to do EVERY day after school. It’s been enough of a challenge getting home, making dinner and getting through the bedtime routine for a much earlier bedtime than the summer schedule. All I have to do is think about saying “no” and the yelling and screaming begin about how I’m such a horrible mother and she’s not my baby anymore and she wants to go live at a friends’ house and she’s not going to get out of the car until I take her there! This is immediately followed by some act of aggression toward her brother, as icing on the cake. That’s the part I’m having the most trouble with. I understand she’s tired, hungry, sad and mad and all those feeling are ok – but I can’t let her take it out on her brother. Of course he fights back and then I’m stuck in the middle of a knock down drag out between two kids with no rational brain left at all! I realize the actions toward her brother probably stem from feeling of resentment that he gets to stay home with me while she goes to school all day – although she’s never said anything, it only stands to reason.
So, if you have any advice on how to deal more effectively with those kind of tantrums, I’m all ears! Sorry to have rambled on so long. And don’t feel bad about the toy store incident – after all, she was a happy-go-lucky child when you went in. The only reason a similar situation hasn’t happened to me is my child has the tantrums upon getting in the car so we never have the chance to go out in public!
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I’m chuckling because I just did a web search about tantrums related to my nearly 5 year old daughter (going into preschool & not kindergarten due to cutoff dates) and her and her brother (2 1/2 yrs, and generally rather easy going) feeding off of each other, and read Michele’s post. Thanks for reminding me that yes, she is normal. If there are any suggestions directed towards Michele, I’d love to hear them as well.
WOW this really speaks to me. I’m a Kindergarten teacher AND have a daughter who has had a hard time adjusting to kindergarten. She spent the first week crying and getting up at 4:30 every morning. Now we just have terrible fits at home. Her temper is awful. My normal happy go lucky child just snaps so quickly. Her fits last a long time. She screams and them cries for long periods of time. She likes to “fight” and wants the confrontations during these periods. I have never seen this type of behavior from her before.